2005-01-11
Blackwell's Annual Snarkfest
This year's winners of a lot of free publicity whilst being denegrated for bad taste:
#1 Nicollette Sheridan "In barely-there bombs, she's a taste-free pain," Blackwell crowed. "Let's crown her the Tacky Temptress of Wisteria Lane!"
#2 Lindsay Lohan "Overhyped and underdressed," Blackwell stated. "What's happened to Lindsay? When it comes to fashion, she's in a schizophrenic frenzy!"
#3 Tie! Ashlee and Jessica Simpson "From gaudy...to grim...to downright frenetic...these two prove that bad taste is positively genetic!" Blackwell stated. Jessica, a repeat offender, moved, er, up to the number three slot from the fifth-place perch she earned last year.
#4 Courtney Love "Medusa stuck in a meltdown mode!"
#5 Paris Hilton "Paris' 'designer' is obviously on vacation--this is one Hilton that should be closed for renovation!" Blackwell crowed.
#6 Serena Williams
#7 Britney Spears "a clothes encounter of the catastrophic kind!"
#8 Paula Abdul "dresses with all the restraint of a revved-up Simon Cowell!"
#9 Meryl Streep
# 10. Anna Nicole Smith "looks like a rag doll trapped in a wind machine!"
You're Fired!
In fact, there is an International Bloggers’ Bill of Rights available to be signed and a list of company's that have fired people because of the contents of their blogs. This BoR's hopes to establish company policies about blogging that will clarify and prevent further firings.
Winners!
Because if I looked like my dog, I would be a skeleton.
We, the pissed off people
The fact that the grant money is earmarked for other security needs means little, apparently.
Mayor Anthony A. Williams estimated that the city's costs for the inauguration will total $17.3 million, most of it related to security. City officials said they can use an unspent $5.4 million from an annual federal fund that reimburses the District for costs incurred because of its status as the capital. But, they say that leaves $11.9 million not covered. Shrugs were heard throughout the District.
Crosses will be banned from this month's inaugural parade in Washington, D.C.
The Jan. 20 presidential inauguration is causing further controversy by banning crosses(along with bicycles, crates, coffins, cages and statues) from the inaugural parade. The Rev. Patrick Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coalition is outraged. "Why were crosses singled out over any other religious symbolthe Star of David, Islamic symbols?" Mahoney asked. "This is offensive. It's, in my view, religious bigotry."
And, the phrase "under God" in the president's oath is under attack from an atheist who has filed suit to stop any prayers from being said during the ceremony.
Michael Newdow, an atheist doctor and lawyer from Sacramento, California, who tried to have the phrase "under God" removed from the Pledge of Allegiance now wants to legally prevent President Bush from placing his hand on a Bible while being sworn in at his inauguration.
Newdow has filed a complaint and a motion for preliminary injunction in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia, seeking to remove prayer and all "Christian religious acts" from the Jan. 20 inauguration. One wonders what he'd have to say if a Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish or Muslim were taking office. Or, at least I wonder. Of course, I spend time pondering things like where the phrase 'keep your eyes peeled' came from and why rainbows always start with red.
The Constitution does not require the new president to place his hand on a Bible while repeating the oath. The tradition has been kept since George Washington with the exception of Theodore Roosevelt, who did not use a Bible when he took the oath after President William McKinley's 1901 assassination.
Newdow's suit is a little late and a little pointless but it's fun to join all the other lawsuits involved with the inauguration, isn't it? It's the American way.
2005-01-10
When it Sounds Good, it is Good
I come from a family that lived, breathed, exhaled and played music constantly. Music has colored almost every moment of my life that has a memory attached. My childhood overflowed with it. Fats Waller, Chopin, The Andrew Sisters all bring back memories full of sunlight, rain, smiles, pain and the sweetest understanding. It also explains what kind of freaks make up this family.
One of my first memories is of my mother singing Roger (I’ve Always Been Twenty Minutes Ahead of My Time) Miller’s ‘King of the Road’ and ‘You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd’. ‘Do-Wacka-Do’ meant Mom was in an exceptionally good mood. She would dance and sing behind the wheel of our keylime green station wagon on the way to the store, on the way to Aunt Mildred’s house, on vacation. If she was happy, she was singing and dancing.
Another very popular car song was Johnny Cash’s ‘I Walk the Line.’ It was then that I first noted the human habit of lowering chin to chest when the deepest notes are attempted. With every repeated verse, as Johnny’s voice went lower, Karen’s chin followed suit. By the last refrain the bottom half of her face was swallowed up in her shirt. But, damn, could she reach those low notes! Johnny would have no doubt given her a nod and a smile for her efforts. Even when she sang the New Christy Minstrels alternative lyrics. I still remember my Mom speeding along the freeway singing:
“I keep my pant's up with a piece of twine.
I keep my arms wide open all the time.
I keep myself quite willin' all the time.
Because you're mine, please pull the twine.”
As I kid I didn’t know what it meant, but I had a sense that it was naughty. When she laughed and said, “Don’t sing this in front of your father,” I nodded solemnly and then grinned. It was my first secret.
When Dianne and I were still small enough to be smothered by Uncle Doug’s St. Bernard every Christmas, the Jordan clan took a trip to Texas. As we drove over the state line my, Mom grabbed my hand and held it to the dashboard. She said, “Now you’re the first one on the family in Texas!” Wow, was I proud! The Stones ‘Ruby Tuesday’ played in the background and cemented that song as one of my favorites in a strange childhood.
Home wasalways filled with music. The New Christy Minstrels, Harry Belfonte (I thought he was beautiful), Odetta, The Kingston Trio, Simon and Garfunkel and the Beatles. There was one very special Paul McCartney and Wings song that my parents would play if all four of us were good. As you can imagine, this didn’t happen very often. There was an occasion when my parents came back from a night out to find the rug in the living room rolled up and seated on top of it the well-trussed babysitter. The four of were waltzing around on the bare wood floor, oblivious to everything but the music. No Wings music that night!
But, if we were good, Mom would pull out her 'Uncle Albert' 45" and play it over and over for us. Instant joy! That’s when the four us really began to dance!
Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey
by Paul McCartney
We're so sorry Uncle Albert
We're so sorry if we caused you any pain
We're so sorry Uncle Albert
But there's no one left at home
And I believe I'm gonna rain
We're so sorry but we haven't heard a thing all day
We're so Sorry Uncle Albert
But if anything should happen we'll be sure to give a ring
We're so sorry Uncle Albert
But we haven't done a bloody thing all day
We're so sorry Uncle Albert
But the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily called away
Hands across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hands across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Admiral Halsey notified me
He had to have a berth or he couldn't get to sea
I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie
(the butter wouldn't melt so I put it in the pie)
Hands across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hands across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Live a little be a gypsy, get around(get around)
Get your feet up off the ground
Live a little, get around
Live a little be a gypsy, get around(get around)
Get your feet up off the ground
Live a little, get around
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Ooo------------Ooo-------------
I asked my Mom years later if I was going to be named George if I’d been a boy. She raised a brow and looked at me like I was nuts. This still happens quite often. Time to expound.
“You know, you named Jon and Paul after John Lennon and Paul McCartney. So I’d be George and Dianne would be Ringo.” Perfect kid logic.
“No,” she laughed. “If you were a boy, you’d have been named Howard.”
I believe the look on my face at that point would best have been described as disgruntled. I am no Howard. One of many reasons I’m so thankful I was born female.
Sometimes my Dad got in on the singing in the truck action. He was no dancer but that man could cut his own mellow Armand kind of groove. The surefire instigator of a song burst was Willie Nelson. Willie has
been beloved by the Jordan family for decades and is still a unifying musical force. ‘Whiskey River’, ‘Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys’ and about a million songs are burned in the Jordan consciousness. The one that really rang my Dad’s bell was Willie’s cover of the Roy Rogers song, ‘Don’t Fence Me In’.
Don't Fence Me In
(chorus:)
Oh, give me land, lots of land
Under starry skies above,
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wild open
Country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself in the evening breeze-
Listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees,
Send me off forever, but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in.
Just turn me loose,
Let me straddle my old saddle
Underneath the western sky.
On my cayuse,
Let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise.
I want to ride to the ridge
Where the west commences,
Gaze at the moon till I lose my senses,
Can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences,
Don't fence me in.
Wildcat Kelly, back again in town,
Was sitting by his sweetheart's side,
And when his sweetheart said:
"Come on, let's settle down,
Wildcat raised his head and cried:
(chorus)
When he would sing this song, I knew my Dad had a slice of peace in his heart. His soul was light while Willie sang and that was something all too rare for him. I owe Willie a lot for that.
As we all got older, we began to branch off into four musical directions that didn’t really conjoin until our twenties. The few groups that crossed over were the Clash, Van Halen, Queen, Led Zepplin, David
Bowie, Kiss, the Ramones and Kate Bush. Wow, Kate looks lonely with all those guys.
We all listened to Bad Company on the clunky eight-track player as we played Frisbee. Pink Floyd ‘Relics’ got slammed in, as did Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’. We listened to FM Radio (WQFM and WLPX) as we built haunted houses in the basement and snuck beers on the patio. When the boys went out on weekends, Dianne and I stayed up to watch The Midnight Special and Don Kirschner’s Rock Concert. Mom and Dad left the cable box on and we got to see ‘The Story of O’ and ‘Emmanuelle II’, as well. Rather eye opening, to say the very least.
Jon was all about eighties synth in college. That has become a perenial obssesion. There's a smattering of guitar, of course. But XTC was always a mainstay.
Senses Working Overtime
Hey, hey,
The clouds are whey.
There’s straw for the donkeys,
And the innocents can all sleep safely,
All sleep safely.
My, my,
Sun is pie.
There’s fodder for the cannons,
And the guilty ones can all sleep safely,
All sleep safely.
And all the world is football-shaped
It’s just for me to kick in space
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in.
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to taste the difference
’tween a lemon and a lime
Pain and the pleasure
And the church bells softly chime.
Hey hey,
Night fights day.
There’s food for the thinkers,
And the innocents can all live slowly,
All live slowly.
My, my,
The sky will cry
Jewels for the thirsty,
And the guilty one’s can all die slowly ,
All die slowly.
And all the world is biscuit-shaped,
It’s just for me to feed my face,
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste,
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five,
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in.
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five,
Senses working overtime
Trying to taste the difference,
’tween a lemon and a lime,
Pain and the pleasure,
And the church bells softly chime,
And birds might fall from black skies,
And bullies might give you black eyes,
But to me it’s very, very beautiful ¡¦
(england’s glory!)
Beautiful ¡¦
(a striking beauty!)
And all the world is football-shaped,
It’s just for me to kick in space,
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste,
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five,
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to tell the difference
’tween the goods and grime
Turds and treasure
And there’s one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to taste the difference
’tween a lemon and a lime
Pain and the pleasure,
And the church bells softly chime.
Earlier, Ted Nugent was a Jon favorite. A great way to wake us in the morning when there things to be done and no parents to keep us from doing them. Much better than Mom’s choices to get us out of bed when things needed to be done will there were parents to make us do them. Disney’s ‘Electric Light Parade is one 45 that, when I come across it in, I would still like to smash to bits. Oh, the insidious sweetness of that burbly joyfest.
Frank Zappa was Jon’s Guru. Todd Rundgren his Hero. Elvis Costello and Joe Jackson his best buds.
When I asked him, he remembers ‘(Life is a Rock) But the Radio Rolled Me’ and ‘The Night Chicago Died’ as his childhood music memories.
(Life Is A Rock) But The Radio Rolled Me
B.B. Bumble and the Stingers,
Mott the Hoople, Ray Charles Singers,
Lonnie Mack and Twangin' Eddy,
Here's my ring we're going steady.
Take it easy, take me higher,
Liar liar, house on fire,
Locomotion, Poco passion,
Deeper purple, Satisfaction,
Baby baby, gotta gotta,
Gimme gimme, gettin' hotter.
Sammy's cookin', Leslie's Gore,
Ritchie Valens, end of story,
Maha Vishnu, Fujiyama,
Kama Sutra, Rama Lama,
Richard Perry, Spectre Barry,
Righteous, Archies, Nilsson Harry,
Shimmy shimmy, loco boppin',
Fats is back and finger poppin'.
Life is a rock but the radio rolled me:
Gotta turn it up louder,
So my DJ told me;
Life is a rock but the radio rolled me:
At the end of my rainbow
Lies a golden oldie.
FM, AM, hits are clickin',
While the clock is tockin', tickin'.
Friends and Romans, salutations,
Brenda and the Tabulations,
Carly Simon, I behold her,
Rolling Stony centerfolder,
Johnny Cash and Johnny Rivers,
Can't stop now, I've got the shivers.
Mungo Jerry, Peter Peter,
Paul and Paul and Mary Mary,
Dr John, the nightly tripper,
Doris Day and Jack the Ripper.
Got to go sir, got to swelter,
Leon Russell, gimme shelter,
Miracles in smoky places,
Slide guitarists, Fender basses,
Mushroom omelette, Bonnie Bramlett,
Wilson Pickett, stomp and kick it.
Life is a rock but the radio
Life is a rock but the radio
(Whoo!)
(Doo doo doo, doo doo doo)
Arthur Janoff, primal screamin',
Hawkins J. and Dale and Ronnie,
Peter Phil and Mack and Tray
And Denver John and Osmond Donny,
J.J. Cale and ZZ Top,
And L.L. Bean and Dee Dee Dinah,
David Bowie, Steely Dan,
And sing me proud, oh C.C. Rider.
Edgar Winter, Joanie Summers,
Ides of March and Johnny Thunder,
Eric Clapton, pedal wah-wah,
Stephen Foster, doo-dah doo-dah,
Good Vibrations, Help Me Rhonda,
Surfer Girl and Little Honda,
Tighter tighter, honey honey,
Sugar sugar, yummy yummy,
CBS and Warner Brothers,
RCA and all the others.
Life is a rock but the radio rolled me (Life is a rock):
Gotta turn it up louder (Life is a rock),
So my DJ told me (Life is a),
Woh-woh-woh woh-woh.
Life is a rock but the radio rolled me (Life is a rock),
At the end of my rainbow,
Lies a golden oldie.
(Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh-ooh)
[Spoken] Listen, they're playing our song...
(Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh-ooh)
(Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh-ooh)
Gonna take you higher.
(Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh-ooh)
Gonna take you higher...
Rock it, sock it, Alan Freed me,
Murray Kaufman tried to lead me,
Fish are swimmin', Boston Monkey,
Make it bad and play it funky.
B.B. Bumble and the Stingers,
Mott the Hoople, Ray Charles Singers,
Lonnie Mack and Twangin' Eddy,
Here's my ring we're going steady.
Take it easy, take me higher...
(Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh-ooh)
Gonna take you higher.
(Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh-ooh)
Gonna take you higher...
Jon and Paul tried to tape ‘The Night Chicago Died’ from the radio on this crappy little tape player/recorder and they never quite succeeded. They did some other stuff with that tape player/recorder that we won’t get into. Strange boys. The room Jon and Paul shared was decked out
in fluorescent light posters and fishnets full of weird stuff. I would creep in to borrow Electric Light Orchestra, Yes and Cheap Trick. Lord, even Rush’s 2112. Ultimately, Jon remained the most open-minded as we all grew.
Paul steeped himself in Iron Maiden, Blue Oyster Cult and Blondie. I know. He’s a weirdo, too. It’s a part of our genetic makeup. There was some Tom Petty and he was always a Bonnie Raitt fan. But, Paul was a hard ass. It was Paul’s way of telling the world to leave him the hell alone. For the most part, the world did.
I was a musical gad about. I am horrified to admit I was a Leo Sayer fan. At one point I knew how many chest hairs Peter Frampton had. And, I can admit on these pages to an enduring love of Talk Talk, Crowded House, Split Enz, very early R.E.M. and Supertramp. I still own CD's by all of them and I still listen to them. Even in the Quietest Moments. When I came home from yet another ‘I am so misunderstood’ day in high school, Supertramp was the balm that soothed my soul.
Even in The Quietest Moments
Roger Hodgson
Even in the quietest moments
I wish I knew what I had to do
And even though the sun is shining
Well I feel the rain --- here it comes again, dear
And even when you showed me
My heart was out of tune
For there’s a shadow of doubt that’s not letting me find you too soon
The music that you gave me
The language of my soul
Oh lord, I want to be with you.
Won’t you let me come in from the cold?
Don’t you let the sun fade away
Don’t you let the sun fade away
Don’t you let the sun be leaving
Won’t you come to me soon
And even though the stars are listening
And the ocean’s deep, I just go to sleep
And then I create a silent movie
You become the star, is that what you are, dear?
Your whisper tells a secret
Your laughter brings me joy
And a wonder of feeling I’m nature’s own little boy
But still the tears keep falling
They’re raining from the sky
Well there’s a lot of me got to go under before I get high
Don’t you let the sun disappear
Don’t you let the sun disappear
Don’t you let the sun be leaving
No, you can’t be leaving my life
Say that you won’t be leaving my life
Say that you won’t be leaving my life
Say won’t you please, stay won’t you please
Say won’t you please, stay won’t you please
Lord, won’t you come and get into my life
Lord, won’t you come and get into my life
Say won’t you please, stay won’t you please
Say won’t you please, stay won’t you please
Lord, don’t go
And even when the song is over
Where have I been --- was it just a dream?
And though your door is always open
Where do I begin --- may I please come in, dear?
Wow, what a fine example of all the pain, insecurity and angst I felt! I would head for the stereo, put on those huge, clunky headphones and leave the world for the comfort of music. The people that wrote those lyrics understood my pain and articulated it beautifully. I am not ashamed to admit that this song in particular would elicit tears on almost every occasion. Roger Hodgson was my hero. Until I found Brian May. He was my hero for a loooonnnnng time. ‘Sheer Heart Attack’ was and still is one of my all time favorite albums and May is my guitar god for building a guitar from an old cabinet alone. This change in music heroes demonstrated an inner change from tears to… well, let's just say that I wasn’t that much of a weeper anymore.
Long Away
Words and music by Brian May
You might believe in heaven
I would not care to say
For every star in heaven
There's a sad soul here today
Wake up in the morning with a good face
Stare at the moon all day
Lonely as a whisper on a star chase
Does anyone care anyway?
For all the prayers in heaven
So much of life's this way
Did we leave our way behind us?
Such a long long way behind us
Who knows when now who knows where
Where the light of day will find us?
Look for the day
Take heart my friend we love you
Though it seems like you're alone
A million light's above you
Smile down upon your home
Hurry put your troubles in a suitcase
Come let the new child play
Lonely as a whisper on a star chase
I'm leaving here, I'm long away
For all the stars in heaven
I would not live I could not live this way
Did we leave our way behind us?
Such a long long way behind us
Leave it for some hopeless lane
Such a long long way such a long long way
Such a long long way I'm looking for
Still looking for that day
I still think of this song every time I see the moon. Sigh….. what a cheeseball. I have to admit though… many men have sunk to the floor in grateful supplication when they heard I not only knew of Brian May but that my favorite Queen song was ‘Brighton Rock’.
Dianne was and, I guess, still is an odd, cool creature. She has been and always will be a huge Cheap Trick fan. She went through a Journey phase. But, her transitional years can be clarified by the mention of two major albums. Lou Reed – ‘Blue Mask’ and Patti Smith – ‘Easter’. Dianne says ‘Blue Mask’ was the seed of much bad poetry. I say ‘The Heroine’ is a painfully beautiful but kind of down song. A touch depressing. ‘Privilege (Set Me Free)’ was an anthem of internal strife and chaos we both understood deeply. That was a turn out the lights, light the candles and inscense and listen with your whole soul kind of song.
Privilege (Set Me Free)
Word and Music Patti Smith
I see it all before me:
the days of love and torment;
the nights of rock-and-roll.
I see it all before me.
Sometimes my spirit's empty;
don't have the will to go on.
I wish someone would send me
energy.
Give me something.
Give me something to give.
Oh, God, give me something:
a reason to live.
My body is aching.
Don't want sympathy.
Come on. Come and love me.
Come on. Set me free.
Set me free.
The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me through the path of righteousness for His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.
Hey, Lord, I'm waitin' for you.
Oh, God, I'm waitin' for you;
waitin' to open Your ninety-eight wounds
and be Thee, be Thee.
Lead me, oh, lead me.
Leave me something.
Leave me something to live.
Oh, God, give me something:
a reason to live.
I don't want no handout;
no, not sympathy.
Come on. Come and love me.
Come on. Set me free.
Set me free.
Come on. Set me free
Set me free . . .
Oh, I'm so young, so goddamn young.
Oh, I'm so young, so goddamn young.
Oh, I'm so young, so goddamn.
Set me free.
In the presence of my enemies,
Thou anointest my head with oil.
My cup runneth over.
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Ah, damn, goddamn, goddamn, goddamn.
Here I am.
She moved on to Tom Waits (a living lyric legend) when she was in a good mood. When she was in a nasty mood and the intention was to keep everyone from befouling her airspace with their presence, the turntable spun Nurse With Wound and Christian Death. Now, you must realize, Dianne and I shared a room. Howard Jones and The Crusties don’t always mix. Well, I loved the Crusties. Dianne loathed Howard Jones. What can I say, I am a total geek. I’ve learned to embrace my geekiness. But bless Dianne for giving me some modicum of taste. The two of us went to parties in our teen years where we were chased out by the police and ended up being chased by an entire crew of police (about 50) the night our favorite club, Yano's, was closed. The cops said it was over capacity. They showed up wearing mirrored sunglass (it was night) and smashing billyclubs into their palms. My first real riot. My first real shout match with a cop. He told me, as a teen, that I didn't have any rights. This was after I watched his compatriots beat the shit out of a groups of kids. Ya know, Wendy O. William's styles. Don't think that didn't shape a large portion of my life.
While all of this turbulent music swam past in the Jordan household, my Mom caught and held on to some for herself. Chiefly, Billy Idol and the Cramps. But, one song stands out in my memory. Mom was in the tub, catching a few z’s, when a song came on the radio blasting the house with some T-Rex riffs. My Mom heard this song, jumped out of the tub, grabbed a towel and yelled throw a slightly open door,
“Find out who sings this song! I love this!”
It was the Hollies.
Long Cool Woman
(clarke / cook / greenaway)
Saturday night I was downtown
Working for the FBI
Sitting in a nest of bad men
Whisky bottles piling high
Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the da man
When I heard this woman singing a song
A pair of 45’s made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5’9, beautiful tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
’cos that long cool woman had it all
I saw her headin’ to the table
Well a tall walking big black cat
When charlie said I hope that you’re able boy
Well I’m telling you she knows where it’s at
Well suddenly we heard the sirens
And everybody started to run
A jumping out of doors and tables
Well I heard somebody shooting a gun
Well the da was pumping my left hand
And then she was a-holding my right
Well I told her don’t get scared
’cos you’re gonna be spared
Well I’ve gotta be forgiven
If I wanna spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5’9 beautiful tall
Well, with just one look I was a bad mess
’cos that long cool woman had it all
Had it all
My Mom searched high and low for a copy of that song. This was well before MP3’s and it seemed her search would be fruitless. But who should come through for us but our friends at K-Tel? On a compilation record featuring the 'original hits by the original artists' she found the song she’d searched so long for.
Soon, she was bopping down the road listening to ‘White Wedding’, ‘Human Fly’, ‘Love is a Stranger’ and, still, ‘King of the Road’. When I went to visit my brother Paul recently, I went to put a CD on and found a treasure trove of music I’d forgotten. Music I didn’t know he loved. Whiskeytown? Luscious Jackson? Butthole Surfers? Is this really Paul?
Jon is still quite happy with everything he’s ever listened to and notes few regrets in his record collection. He has all of the records Paul and I gladly gave up. His collection broadened considerably when Ruth added her stash to the mix. But, ultimately, the most eclectic collection belongs to Dianne. Everything from Middle Eastern belly dancing music to Sly and the Family Stone to Kronos Quartet to Led Zepplin to Brother to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s and Neil Young.
I don’t own as much music as everyone else. But, there is so much music in my head lending a constant sound track to everything that goes on in my life I don’t need a vast collection. I am the human jukebox. My latest selection includes My Morning Jacket, The High Llamas, Emmy Lou Harris, P.J. Harvey, The Pogues, Keane and 16 Horsepower.
When Johnny Cash and Warren Zevon, a part of every Jordan soul lost some light. Those men still had so much music left in them and so much to give. When they died I felt like yelling, “Hey, I’m not done yet!” There is so much we’ll never get to hear and absorb and we all have so much left to learn.
As I watched interviews gone by with Mr. Cash, I didn’t cry, although tears welled in my eyes. He turned away from the things that would have destroyed him and found life and love. Mr. Zevon defied his death sentence long enough to make new music with old friends and see twin grandchildren born. They were beautiful men and their passing hurts. But the music they made remains to heal everyone left behind.
Myth Conceptions
Everyday, hapless human beings are inundated with information, media blitzes, off hand comments and bad advice. We’ve been told that certain things are so by friends that mean well. They heard about it somewhere and lovingly passed it on. We all hear ever-changing opinions espoused by the press in their march towards being the most up to date, only to have the information change the next week. We hear Surgeon Generals, Presidents, Celebrities, Salespeople and our Moms tells us things with a look of earnestness that suggests they're, at least, are convinced. I am here to tell you that sometimes they are wrong.
Myth#1: We Are a Paperless Society
That’'s the way it was supposed to be. Once files, folders and other information fodder were transferred to computers, we would become a paperless society.
At work, every day, I get stacks of paper put on my desk. When I process this paperwork, I have to make 3 copies for other people. When people where I work get emails, they print them and save them in an e-folder. When we receive faxes, there is a cover letter we usually toss. When we do the faxing, we get a report that says whether or not the fax went through. This is usually tossed. Once an hour, the fax spits out a report of all of its faxes. It'’s proud, it'’s done a lot of work, and I don’'t blame it for wanting to show off a little. We take the report and toss it. If a customer is feeling particularly antsy about a deal that'’s about to go through, they fax and email us the same thing over and over and over. It all gets tossed. When someone calls and one of us isn'’t in, the message gets written on paper. When the message is read, the person is called and the message is tossed. There are long, head nodding, drool inducing meetings after which reams of information replacing last week’s information are handed out. Last weeks information gets tossed.
I did temp work for a file storage company at one point. There were two utterly gigantic buildings, four floors high, containing row after row of files that had to be legally stored for three years. Once a year, a year’s worth of files for whole companies would be tossed. Everyday, forklifts would bring in the new files that needed to be cross-matched into the computer system and stored.
When I got a computer at home, within a week I had to buy a filing cabinet. It is full of research, emails, on-line shopping receipts, cool stuff, game cheats, recipes and scads of other things that I lived without in calm happiness before I got a computer.
When my mom joined the computer age, she suddenly needed a filing cabinet. And, it seems neither of us have the proclivity for tossing paper at home that the work environment fosters. We keep everything. From filing cabinets we'’ve moved onto binders. These can be pulled out so that all of that terribly useful information is close at hand and in an indexed format. You never know when you'’ll need to reference the average wing speed velocity of the African Swallow that instant! And I'’m ready!
People love paper. Having a ‘hard copy’ in front of them makes them feel what they hold in their hands is more official. Just try converting hard-core book buyers to e-books.
Conclusion: Paperless society my big white booty.
Myth#2: MTV is Music Television
It was. It ain’'t no more. Not exactly a newsflash but darn it, I’'m irked. They should really change the name of the channel. SCDCSTV a.k.a. Scantily Clad Drunk College Students TV. Or perhaps WBBTV a.k.a. Whiny Boy Bands TV. Possibly TSSHTTV a.k.a. Twenty Somethings Stuck in a House Together TV. OCRRTV a.k.a. Osbournes Commercials and Re-Runs TV. Or, simply, TTV a.k.a. Teen TV. That’s all it'’s really about.
Do you remember way back in the eighties when MTV played music, talked about music, and spoke to musicians? Turn on VH1 when they have an '“I Love the Eighties/Seventies/nineties/Anytime But Now'” show on. You'’ll see bits of music related items from time to time. And lots of really big hair. Didn'’t VH1 play music once, too?
We’'ve moved through the game show phase. We are stuck in perpetual reality show hell now. God, I’'m glad I'’m not in my twenties anymore!
When I plugged the phrase ‘MTV’ into a search engine, a singles site came up that categorized applicants by their love or hate relationship with the cable giant. That is a sad statement about the power of a cheesy cable channel on our national consciousness.
Conclusion: Um, weird notion but, if you want music there are always CD’'s. Music didn'’t always have pretty moving pictures and boobs.
Myth#3: George W is a serious guy and he means serious business!
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
Conclusion: This man is a laugh factory! The sheer comic genius is astounding. My favorite thing is the leaning on the podium and being earnest routine. That just cracks me up! Almost as good as Clinton’'s definition of ‘sexual relations’.
Myth#4: Computer Techs Know How to Fix Computers
What happens every time my computer freezes or crashes and I call the help desk?
If you can get a hold of a live human being, this is what you’ll be told:
'“Have you tried re-booting?”'
I try re-booting and re-booting as my frustrations increases to fist shaking proportions until some hapless co-worker comes by, pats me on the shoulder and says, “'It’'s time.”'
I nod sadly and pick up the phone. Re-booting is a way of life for me; a Zen-like experience that helps me to transcend sanity and elevate me to true, blatant crabbiness.
Here's the Jen vs. Tech convo:
“'Have you tried re-booting?”'
“'About a gazillion times,'” I say tearfully. Right.
There is a heavy sigh at the other end of the phone and a whispered, “'Yeah, another one of those!'”
Then, to help them on their quest to help me, “'What were you doing when the computer abandoned you?'” (They know I have technical issues.)
“'Well,'” I say worriedly, “'I was sending an email and it just... stopped.'”
“'Oooohhhh…'” Is the response, with a tone of accusation thrown in to really drive home my ultimate responsibility for this tragedy.' “Sounds like we'’ll have to send someone up.”'
“'Oh, Thank God!'” I weep tears I have been holding back as I load the dart gun and am it at the techie dart board at the far end of my cubicle.
'“Where are you?'” If they are asking from a philosophical standpoint, we’re both in for a long narrative. Fortunately for all of us, that is not the case.
“'I’'m on the second floor of the Customer Fulfillment Department. Pillar E12.'” I realize then that I have become one of the human bingo cards that make up corporate America.
“'We'’ll have someone up today.'”
“'When today?' A reasonable question, no?”
'“Today.”' An asinine answer, no?
“Too dazed and cowered by their obvious technical prowess to complain, I hang up the phone and hit my head on the desk a few times. Seven hours later and twenty minutes later, when I am set to leave work after a day of filing, purging files, re-filing, dusting, re-arranging the stuff on my desk and imbibing three pots of coffee after walking around asking if anyone has any filing they need me to do, Dan the Computer Guy shows up. After booting my computer, it takes all of about five minutes for him to fix the problem. He'’s a chatty guy and spews forth a running dialogue about his dog, his daughter’s first birthday and the NBA draft while I watch over his shoulder trying to figure out how the hell he does what he does so I can do it later. When he'’s done doing what he does, he wishes me a good day, sounds like he means it, and then he'’s swallowed up in the cubicle maze that is Customer Fulfillment.
Conclusion: Computer Techs do know how to fix computers. But, they have really, really mean people answering the phone! Obviously, your narrator needed to vent. Thank you for listening. I feel much better.
Myth#5: Beauty Myths or “But, That’s What My Mom/Best Friend/A Woman at Work Told Me”
They lied to you. They probably didn’'t know they were lying to you. My mom had told me some whoppers with utter sincerity. Of course, my mom loves to mess with my head. My pain and confusion brings her joy. Anyway, for ages women have told each other legends of loveliness thinking they were helping each other. Quite the opposite. Some of myths are amusing while some are just stupid.
Myth: “Cut your hair during a full moon so it grows stronger.” Unless you're really good friends with the Moon Goddess, Diana, and she has a vested interest in your hair, this will not work.
Myth: “Pluck one gray hair and two will grow back.” It may seem that the evil gray hair comes back two-fold, but it is not true. At times the hair can split and give that illusion, but it is just that. An illusion. The Universe is not out to get you. I swear!
Myth: “You can shrink the pores on your face.” Pores will naturally enlarge as you get older due to the downward pull of gravity (especially in the cheek area). Keeping the skin clean will help keep your pores from enlarging. ‘Til Willie Wonka’s Wonkinator becomes fact, they will not shrink.
Myth: “If you shave your legs or bikini line, the hair will grow in blacker/heavier.” I’'ve been hearing this one since I was a wee, innocent pre-teen. And, it is not true. It will not grow back thicker. It will not grow back stronger. It will not grow back faster. It will not grow back better than it was before. It is not bionic hair.
Shaving and cutting a hair does not change its basic genetic make-up. It can seem darker and thicker as it creeps up from underneath your skin, but that, too, is an illusion.
Myth: “Dry skin causes wrinkles.” Dry skin can cause a snowfall of skin. A chaffed feeling from un-exfoliated dry skin. But, the reality is that sun damage and genetics cause wrinkles. Not dryness. And, to complicate dry skin matters further, there is a difference between dry skin and dehydrated skin. True-dry skin = lack of oil. Dehydrated skin = lack of water. You'’ll know dehydrated skin if I call it winter skin. Skin that feels tight and crabby.
Myth: “Your scalp being too dry causes dandruff.” Another nope. Fungus, yeast, rash, shampoo build up, product build up, psoriasis, seborrheic dermatitis and eczema cause flaking and dandruff.
Myth: “You can prevent split ends by using leave-in conditioner and deep treatments.” You can prevent split ends by not driving with the window open while you 80 mph down the freeway. You can prevent split ends by never blow drying your hair, never exposing it to the sun or chemicals and never over brushing it. You can also prevent split ends by constantly shaving your head bald.
Myth: “Your hair will grow faster/thicker if you cut it more often.” Nope. Hair grows at an average rate of half an inch per month. Because each hair shaft is slightly thicker at its base compared to its tip, hair can temporarily appear thicker for about a week after it has been significantly cut. But, cutting hair has absolutely no effect on each strand's thickness or on the number of hairs that will germinate from follicles.
Myth: "No pain, no gain." An exercise fable that extols exercise at a very high intensity or for long hours to get results. Research shows, however, that even low to moderate intensity routines have valuable health benefits. A good general recommendation is to do cardiovascular exercise three to five days a week for 20 to 45 minutes per session at 65 to 80 percent of your maximum heart rate (220 minus your age). This is a level where you are working but aren't gasping for air in fear of imminent collapse.
Myth: “A frequent mistake among women is that lifting weights will turn them into She Hulk. Bodybuilders have spent hours at the gym; some use steroids and most follow stringent diets to realize their bulked up dreams. Compared to men, women have less of the hormone testosterone, which is a major factor in developing large muscles. Strength training approximately two to four times a week, doing a variety of exercises for the major muscle groups, will help lead to a lean and toned appearance. The increase of muscle will help your body to use fat more efficiently and you will lose weight, not blow up like a muscle-bound balloon.
Myth: “If you stop working out, muscle will turn into fat.” Most folks are under the impression that if they stop working out, their muscle will turn into fat. Muscle and fat are two distinct tissues. One can't be converted from one type to the other type. I promise. There is no alchemy taking place inside your body. If you stop exercising, muscle tissue will shrink, so you may feel flabbier. And, when muscles get smaller, they do not need as many calories, so your metabolism slows. With a slower metabolism, if you eat the same amount of calories, you will gain body fat. There is no evil metamorphosis as the gods punish you for laziness.
Myth: “Hair color will give you more white hair.” No, nope, uh-uh. Hair coloration cannot give you more white hair because it does not penetrate your scalp. The whitening of the hair is caused by the inability of the melanocytes to produce melanin. Melanocytes are inside your scalp. They never meet the hair coloring, let alone have a disagreement of such magnitude.
Myth: “Coloring Hair During Pregnancy is Harmful.” Not true, baby blue. Although some doctors disagree amongst themselves, most believe that coloring the hair during pregnancy will not be dangerous to the baby. When in doubt always get your physician’s permission to color your hair during pregnancy. Most experts believe that the key danger with hair coloring is not the application of the product to the scalp but the inhalation of the strong chemical odor.
Myth: “Smoking Causes Gray Hair.” This, my friends, is true. According to J. G. Mosley of the Leigh Infirmary in Lancashire, England in an article in Science News (January 11, 1997) smokers are four times more likely to have gray hair than nonsmokers. Even worse, smoking has been conclusively linked to accelerated hair loss.
Myth: “Wearing Tight Braids, Ponytails or Buns Causes Baldness” This is accurate. Traction alopecia is a very real hair loss condition. It may result from wearing tight ponytails, cornrows or buns over an extended period of time. Avoid this potential problem by opting for looser styles that minimize scalp tension.
Myth: “Vinegar should be used as an after shampoo rinse for shine.” Besides allowing one to smell like poached eggs, the acidity of both of these products was used to help remove soap residue from the hair after washing. They did left the hair shiny and squeaky-clean. However, modern, detergent based, shampoo leaves no soap scum on the hair and, again, with the popularity of hair color and permanent waves, the use of a rinse with this amount of acidity is not recommended.
Myth: “Shaving your legs will cause heavier, darker hair to grow.” Total Myth. Shaving will not make hair grow thicker or darker. We have a certain number of hairs growing on our bodies and this does not change by shaving. Change of color sometimes may occur, but is a natural process whether the hair has been shaved or not.
Myth: “The gene for male pattern baldness comes only from the mother.” The truth is that the gene may be passed to a child from either parent, not just the mother. It isn'’t just our fault, boys!
Myth: “Spit in your bath water three times and you'’ll slow down the aging process.” This is yucky and patently untrue.
Myth#6: Food Facts and Fables or “Don’t Eat Blue Food”
Myth: “Brown eggs are more nutritious than white eggs.” The color of an egg depends on the breed of the chicken that laid the egg and has no association with the nutritional content.
Myth: “Organically grown vegetables are more nutritious than vegetables grown with chemical fertilizers.” Plants absorb the building blocks (nitrogenous compounds, minerals, water etc.) from the soil and synthesize vitamins and other nutrients. If the soil is rich enough to support plants then it is immaterial whether the nutrients are of organic origin or chemical. Therefore, vegetables grown with chemical fertilizers are just as nutritious.
Myth: “Monosodium glutamate, used as a flavor enhance can cause headaches.” My dad is convinced of this no matter what I tell him. Studies have revealed that monosodium glutamate does not cause headaches. Even the World Health Organization has declared monosodium glutamate to be safe. You will never convince my Father of this fact.
Myth: “Food eaten late at night is more fattening.” Most of us believe eating after a certain time in the evening makes the body store more fat because were not burning it off with activity. I was right there with the don'’t eat after a certain time of night crowd. Studies show that a large meal eaten late at night does not make the body store more fat. Instead, it'’s the total amount eaten in a 24-hour period that's significant. Now, it is true that people who skip meals during the day, and then eat massive amounts in the evening are more likely to be overweight than those who eat regularly throughout the day. This is most likely because eating regular meals helps people regulate their appetite and overall food intake. And I think we can all agree that eating massive amounts of anything, at anytime, unless you’re Beldar Conehead, is a bad idea.
Myth: “Brown bread has more fiber than white bread” Once again, color doesn’'t matter. Brown color does not mean a bread is high in fiber. It’'s the bread’s ingredients that make the difference. If your loaf contains whole wheat or other whole grains, then it probably has fiber. The brown color is likely from caramel coloring found in the somewhere in the ingredient list. Bakers are a bunch of carb ridden liars.
Myth: “Frozen and canned vegetables don'’t have the same nutritional value as fresh vegetables” The truth of the matter is that, depending on the handling of the produce, there is little difference. B and C vitamins leech into the water that the canned vegetables are processed in. Usually, people throw that water away. Taking a long slurp of your veggie water is a tonic. I had a friend that did this on a regular basis. I thought he was nuts. Well, I still think he is but he’'s a healthy nut. Physically speaking.
Now, canned or frozen produce may have added sugar or salt, which should be taken into consideration. Sugar and salt should be avoided unless you have a practicing sense of moderation. Raw veggies are best, but any vegetable, in any form, is better than none. Whether iceberg lettuce in salad (nutritionally weaker than darker greens) or cooked carrots from a can, the bottom line is if you’re eating vegetables, you’re making your body happy.
Myth: “Vitamins provide energy.” Calories from fat, carbohydrates, and protein impart energy. Vitamins don't have calories; thusly they don’'t impart you energy. This food fable most likely stems from what B vitamins really do for you. Each of the eight B vitamins plays a critical role in the chemical reactions that release energy from foods. And, of course, it turns ones urine a lovely bright yellow shade. This played a large part in part in some of Andy Warhol’s later paintings cleverly called “Piss Paintings”. This is not a myth-understanding.
Myth: “Fasting flushes out impurities and toxins.” No evidence supports the claim. Sorry all you fasting fanatics. Your body was designed to process food. This includes elimination of naturally occurring toxins such as ammonia that results from the breakdown of protein.
For most people, one-day fasts are neither healthful nor harmful. But longer fasts jeopardize your health. Risks include dehydration, dangerously low blood pressure, muscle and organ tissue breakdown, and irregularity of your heartbeat. Never fast if you have heart disease, insulin-dependent diabetes, or kidney or liver problems. Fasting is not for the faint of heart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I realized when I myth took this quest that there were a lot of myths to wade through. As I am now knee deep in legends, mom-lore and funny family fable I bid you adieu until I’m up to the neck.Monday is Mullet Day
Well, it's similiar to the sick fascination I had as a child when I wrapped rubber bands around my fingers until the ends turned purple and felt cold to the touch. Yeah, just like that.
Well, without further a 'do:
2005-01-09
India's untouchables forced out of relief camps
The AP has released a story about Keshvanpalayam, India's untouchables, having suffered as greatly from the tsunami as everyone around them, being forced out of relief camps by higher caste survivors. They have also been denied aid supplies.
"Kuppuswamy Ramachandran, 32, a Dalit or untouchable in India's rigid caste hierarchy, said he and his family were told to leave a relief camp in worst-hit Nagapattinam district where 50 more families were housed.
"The higher caste fishing community did not allow us to sleep in a marriage hall where they are put up because we belong to the lowest caste," Ramachandran said.
"After three days we were moved out to a school but now the school is going to reopen within three days and the teachers drove us out," he said.
"Where will I take my family and children? The school had no lights, toilets or drinking water," available for the displaced. At Keshvanpalayam, the Dalits had only flattened homes to show while survivors elsewhere enjoyed relief supplies such as food, medicines, sleeping mats and kerosene.
No government official or aid has flowed into the village which houses 83 Dalit families more than 30 kilometres (20 miles) from Nagapattinam town.
Chandra Jayaram, 35, who lost her husband to the tsunamis, said her family has not received promised government compensation of 100,000 rupees (2,174 dollars).
"At the relief camps we are treated differently due to our social status. We are not given relief supplies. The fishing community told us not to stay with them. The government says we will not be given anything as we are not affected much," Jayaram said.
S. Karuppiah, field coordinator with the Human Rights Forum for Dalit Liberation, said in some of the villages the dead bodies of untouchables were removed with reluctance.
"The Dalit villages are in most places proving to be the preferred choice of the fishing community to bury the dead. If the Dalits ask for relief materials the government says they can only give the leftovers," Karuppiah said.
"The government is turning a blind eye," he said. "When Dalits bury the dead they are not given gloves or medicines but only alcohol to forget the rotten stench." Another activist, Mahakrishnan Marimuthu, who heads the non-governmental Education and Handicraft Training Trust, said tsunamis dealt a double blow to the caste."
Nonprofit Consumers Union has a new guide to contraception that the seven top types of condoms. The best bags studied did not burst despite vigorous testing.
The top brand, able to take the most punishment, was the Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated Latex, according to the report.
Other top-performers include the Durex Performax Lubricated, Lifestyles Classic Collection Ultra Sensitive Lubricated and TheyFit Lubricated.
A melon-colored model distributed by Planned Parenthood performed the worst, bursting during a test in which the latex condoms were filled with air.
BBQ Done Java Style
Talk Nerdy to Me
| 11. | (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? F Relationship failed. |
| 10. | Now that Half Life 2 is out, I need to refocus my priorities. |
| 9. | You have been unsubscribed from my dating list. Please click this link to confirm. |
| 8. | I need a lover who understands that 20 hours a day on the Internet is normal. |
| 7. | I don't think we should date any more, but we can still be on each other's buddy lists. |
| 6. | I'd like a true beauty so I don't have to spend so much time photoshopping your ugly face out of our photos. |
| 5. | It's like in X-Men number 135, where Cyclops and Jean Grey (as The Phoenix)... |
| 4. | Let's face it. You love Intel, and I'm an AMD man. It's not going to work out. |
| 3. | What do you mean your EULA says that once I've removed the shrink wrap I can't return it? |
| 2. | After you e-mailed me your full-body shot, I realized I was looking
for someone more feminine |
| 1. | So long and thanks for all the fish. |
Check out the rest of the site for Feng Shui motherboards and Geek Horoscopes.
Relief
I've stopped watching coverage. Seeing people swept away or weeping at the news that someone they love has died is more than I can take. The courage of those that are rebuilding from the literal pieces of their lives leaves me in awe. If I lost so much, I don't know if I'd want to survive. I'm not sure if I could be that brave and strong. But these people protect the little they have and work to help others.
This situation has displayed the best and the worst that humans can be. I hope that, for once, the best part of us will win.
Beauty and the Beast - Slate Style
Why are fat sitcom husbands paired with great-looking wives?
And in ads as well!
Oh, and if you go to that link, ignore the Dr. Phil weight loss ad on the bottom. He's high on my list of faux celebrities making money off of confused Americans. And believe me, there are a lot of us, um... them!
Bill Tracking 2005
It's a Beautiful Day
The Bush administration paid $240,000 of the taxpayers money to commentator Armstrong Williams "to regularly comment on NCLB during the course of his broadcasts," and to interview Education Secretary Rod Paige for TV and radio spots that aired during the show in 2004.
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's former finance director, David Rosen, has been indicted on four counts of filing false reports with the Federal Election Commission.
A popular self-taught meterologist, who is legally blind and provides his weather forecasts from home, will return to the airwaves in western Massachusetts after a public outcry over his firing.
Some 30,000 pounds of dog food is on its way to the Middle East to feed a unit of starving Iraqi canines, after an e-mail sent by a local Army Reserve captain elicited offers to help from across the nation.
A nurse faked having cancer and took thousands of dollars that her co-workers raised for her treatment, and stole 54 tablets of the painkiller OxyContin, police said.
And I officially don't care that Jen and Brad broke up.
2005-01-07
‘Oh God, they let me publish that shit?’
"You know, as an artist, it's not my job to fit in; its not my job to belong. I'm not a social worker; I'm not a therapist. It's my job to beat the shit out of the world. I'm not here to make people feel good."
- Sherman Alexie
(interview with Robert Capriccioso from Identity Theory who did the best interview with Alexie I've read)
RC: Do you cringe when you see your own work?
SA: Oh, yeah, all of it; poems, stories, everything. It's going, 'Oh God, they let me publish that shit?'
RC: You have huge fans now; how has this success changed you?
SA: The best thing? When I'm in a store and there's a book I want, I can always buy it. I never have to think about whether or not I can afford the book. I can buy a book a day, two books a day, three books a day, if I want. You talk about luxury, privilege? For me that's privilege, I don't give a shit about driving a great car, living in a mansion. I can buy three books a day.
RC: You recognize that you are famous now, you have a lot of fans, but that will never mean you are a mainstream artist?
SA: Oh no! I'm not Jennifer Lopez.
RC: Will you ever be Jennifer Lopez?
SA: If I keep eating fry bread, maybe. (big laugh) Maybe my ass will get that big. But I doubt it.
Before I just lift the whole thing, please just go read it.
Giggle Fit
My Head at the Dead story:
Mid-summer, Alpine Valley, beautiful blue skies, beautiful tie-dye wearing freaky people, me and my boy posse at a Dead show when I was still young enough to blame all of my bad behavior on that fact alone.
This was my second time tripping and it hit like a ton of nerf bricks. After downing a few liters of water, I headed for the bathrooms for a little 'meditation.'
When I stepped out of the stall the bathroom suddenly became a room the size of, oh, a large stadium. Row after row after row after row after row after row after row after row after row after row after row after row after row of stalls greeted me and my acidic mind. I stood slack jawed then began to panic. I think I may have whimpered.
Out of nowhere, a beautiful (everyone was beautiful that day, except my friend Ross who was very - red) woman stood before me and took my hand. Smiling, she led me past rows infinitum to a door. Opening the door, I stepped through to the sound of music and the warmth of the sun. I turned to say thank you to find the woman slipping back into my former purgatory, no doubt coming to the aid of another hapless idiot.
Greeter Sacked over Bag Photo
Wooten was accused of greeting customers with a computer-generated photo of himself in which he appeared to be naked except for a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag. He then told customers that Wal-Mart was cutting costs and the sack was the company's new uniform. I've the pic but damned if I'm too grossed out to post it. It you really want me to, I will. But only if you really want me to. I mean really.
A supervisor where Wooten had worked for seven years told him to keep the sack to himself after customers complained. Five days later he was fired after displaying the photo again.
Wooten's application for unemployment compensation was then summarily rejected by an administrative law judge. The judge said "a reasonable person would know the act of showing a naked body wearing a Wal-Mart sack would not be good for the employer's business."
Wooten claims not see the harm in the photo. A friend spliced a picture of Wooten's head onto a shot of another man's body and when Wooten saw it, "I pretty near died laughing."
No If Andy's Butt
In the spot for Airborne, a natural cold remedy, the 84-year-old star is in a sauna when someone behind him coughs. He overreacts, jumps up, screams and heads for the door. In his rush, his towel drops, baring his buns for about two seconds.
Rider McDowell, co-owner of Airborne, says it's not exactly titillating stuff. "There's nothing sexual about the ad," McDowell says. "It's tantamount to showing a baby's bottom."
Rooney, who was planning a Super Bowl party, says in a statement he's angry. He wanted to be the butt of this joke: "What we're selling here is something I really believe in, which is an awareness of the germs we're all exposed to. There's nothing sensual about the brief exposure of my backside, and it's not gratuitous. ... It's a fun spot, and the public deserves to see it."
Um... I'm kinda glad I don't have to see it.
Neiman Marcus's Sparkly Spuds
Presenting our exclusive limited-edition Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, hand-encrusted with sparkling Swarovski® crystals and signed by Jay Strongwater.
• All of the accessories have gotten the crystal treatment, too, from her sensible handbag down to his jaunty pug ears.
• It takes more than 40 hours to cover Mr. P with more than 23,000 Swarovski® crystals in 14 different colors.
• Each stands 8 1/2"H x 8"W x 5"D and arrives in a gift box.
$8,000 each. They're both on backorder with the Mrs. ship date listed as inavailable.
The Smoking 'Fro
The 54-year-old fitness guru (5' 7", 155 pounds) laid the smackdown on one Chris Farney, a 23-year-old Mesa man (6' 1" and 255 pounds) who happens to cage wrestle in his spare time. According to the below Phoenix Police Department report, when Farney spotted Simmons (whose real first name is Milton) walking through the Sky Harbor International Airport, he said, "Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's." Farney told cops he was referring to an old Simmons workout tape. The diminutive star responded by walking over to the strapping Farney and saying, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues." He then slapped Farney's face. The motorcycle salesman, who was not injured, called cops, who cited an "emotional" and repentant Simmons for assault.
The Smoking Phone
From the Smoking Gun or Dianne's Cyber Playground
TOILET BRUSH THAT WARNS, “DO NOT USE FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE”
A flushable toilet brush that warns users, “Do not use for personal hygiene” has been identified as the nation’s wackiest warning label in an annual contest sponsored by a consumer watchdog group.
The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in it’s eighth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products.
Winners were chosen from hundreds of labels
Over the past twelve months, M-LAW has received hundreds of labels –- all from products made by American manufacturers -- from people living in many different countries. The winning labels were selected by listeners of the Dick Purtan morning show on Detroit radio station, WOMC-FM from a list of finalists selected by M-LAW. The toilet brush label was found by Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ontario. He receives $500 and a copy of the national bestselling book, “The Death of Common Sense,” by Philip K. Howard.
OTHER WINNERS.
The $250 second place award went to Matt Johnson of Naperville, Illinois for a label on a popular scooter for children that warns: “This product moves when used.”
Third place and $100 went to Ann Marie Taylor of Camden, South Carolina who found the following warning on a digital thermometer that can be used to take a person’s temperature several different ways: “Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”
Fourth place was a label on an electric hand blender promoted for use in “blending, whipping, chopping and dicing,” that warns: “Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.” Sent in by Ken Stein of Berkeley, California.
In fifth place was a label on a nine- by three-inch bag of air used as packing material. It carries this warning: “Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device.”Sent in by Christen Millard of Westerville, Ohio.
Personally, I think the thermometer is the best one.
The Name Game
It's not unusual for small lakes in out-of-the-way places to have different names because of variations in county, state or other official records, but there are no such indications in this case, said Ken Brown, a land surveyor with the state Department of Natural Resources.
"That means someone is playing a joke, I think," Brown said in all sincerity.
2005-01-06
Raising a Fuerer over Wine
The so-called "Fuehrerwein'' bottles, part of vintner Alessandro Lunardelli's "historic line,'' features 14 different labels portraying Hitler with slogans like "Sieg Heil'' and other Nazis.
The line also includes labels with portraits of other infamous characters of history, such as Italy's former fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, former Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin and former French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte.
Ride on the Peace Train - Just not into U.S.A.
Yusuf Islam was removed from a London-to-Washington flight in September because of suspected links to terrorists - a claim he has strongly denied.
In November, he was awarded the "Man for Peace" prize in Rome by former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who praised him for charity work and standing by his convictions despite personal hardships.
Mr Islam says he has received "more apologies than you can count" from Americans embarrassed after their Government deported him.
"So, I'm quite satisfied with the spirit of most people and probably it was a mistake. But let's hope it will be solved soon. The lawyers are looking into it," he said.
Mr Islam says the binding powers of religions are essential in a post-9/11 world.
"Probably one of the biggest imperatives at this time would be for a greater understanding of the Islamic faith because of the tensions which have built up over the years due to the absence of any accurate information of where true beliefs unite humanity rather than divide," he said.
"I broke through many barriers in order to get through to Islam, and looking back I can see that there are problems in perception.
"But once you reach the great shores of wisdom there are so many beautiful approaches to the one uniting message of religions, which is peace and loving your brother, who you love as yourself."
Mr Islam, who cut his last pop album in 1978, says he is ready to write more songs to promote peace.
"Music is also a great cure and a great healer and I think the time has come probably to re-invest some more time in exploring my creative ideas and that's what I'm doing right now," he said.
"I've got a little tape recorder in my top pocket and I keep it with me. Ideas are flowing."
In 1990 and again in July 2000, he was detained upon arrival and deported from Israel.
Guitar Face
Happy Hippo
The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsumani waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.
"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told AFP.
"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatised. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added.
Owen, a one year-old baby Hippotamus gets close to his adopted 'mother', a giant male Aldabran tortoise at Kenya's Haller Park, January 6, 2004. The 120-year old giant tortoise living in the Kenyan sanctuary has become inseparable from the baby hippo rescued by game wardens, sanctuary officials said on Thursday. (Peter Greste/Reuters)
"The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.
"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.
In 2002, a barren Kenyan lioness made several attempts to play mother to baby antelopes, one of which ended with a rival lion making a meal out of the calf, and the others when rangers separated the animals.
And they don't eat pears, either?
Geez!
A penis by any other name...
| Your Penis Name is: Bavarian Beefstick
|
My porn star name:
| Your Porn Star Name is: Sweetest Sin
|
My stripper name:
| Your Stripper Name is: Delicious
|
2005-01-05
Soon the Cock will Crow
The lunar cycle begins relatively late this year (on Feb. 9) which means it will not contain "lichun," the auspicious day that marks the start of spring. This earns this coming Year of the Rooster the dubious distinction of being a "widow year," or unlucky for wedlock.
Chinese media have reported that marriage registrations are soaring around the country as people scramble to get hitched in the last days of the Year of the Monkey.
Phantom Post
From the Point of No Return's Review of
Paul Stanely as the Phantom of the Opera stint
in 1999
I was prepared to be disappointed with Paul Stanley's Phantom, but he actually impressed me quite a bit in some parts. Vocally, he was quite good. His acting wasn't bad either, though it seemed to me that he was just trying too hard. Erik is supposed to look effortless, and that's one word I would not use to describe Paul's Phantom. His final lair scene was probably the weakest point, but I still cried...because it was the final show? I don't know.
Paul said a few words at the very end. He thanked Toronto and thanked Pantages for making many peoples dreams come true, including his. He also stated he was the last person hired to do the Phantom and is the last person to leave the stage which was quite an honor. They closed with the entire cast and employees of the Pantages Theatre on stage singing "Music of the Night". And then was closed off with a firecracker display and a spray of confetti with balloons
Dukes of Duh
Stars say they're having fun, but they won't talk about the plot.
"If you want to talk about plot, talk to Jay," Johnny Knoxville, dressed as his Luke Duke character and leaning on the General Lee, said last week, referring to director Jay Chandrasekhar ("Super Troopers," "Club Dread"). "We don't know what the hell is going on."
"We're just having a good time," added Seann William Scott, who is portraying Luke's cousin Bo.
"Yeah, 'Punch this guy,' that's the kind of direction we get," Knoxville said.
Inspired by Pork
Gah! Two dare to speedo, the other hides under furs as the fourth attempts to leave the album altogether.
Furr. Not good enough to be Kiss. But bad enough to want to be Kiss.
Not fond of covers that feature women that look as though they're about to throw a shoe at me and send me to bed without supper.
She's also a bad hair model.
Bought by hundreds of boys in the eighties that didn't care what the music sounded like.
Really no need for me to say anything, is there?
Paddy, Paddy, Paddy. Looking a little too smirky for my taste as he sits in a pair of oversized jeans with his life companion Jeeves.
Heino?
Note the hair, the sunglasses as hairband accessory and the shirt formerly worn by conjoined twins in Iowa.
Lee Prince: Male Prostitute
10 worst album covers of all time
I'll reveal his #10 to get you kids going.
#10- 12 Top Hits (featuring the finest in top hit entertainment)
Have you ever been to one of those parties where everyone sits expectantly and watches two people dance around like retards in a retard shop? Right. No one has, because those parties don't happen. Maybe it was a simpler time when songs like “Poor Little Fool” and “Splish Splash” had some kind of mind controlling power over teenagers. It caused them to pull their pants up too high and wear the worst socks ever made. No wonder there was such condemnation of Rock and Roll in the fifties. Look at what it did to their stupid kids. Granted, this one isn’t terribly offensive, but they get worse.
Inmate sentenced over cheese sandwiches
Douglas Eugene Wilson, 45, pleaded guilty Monday to possession of contraband and was sentenced by District Judge Thomas Kane.
Prosecutors said Wilson had the sandwiches while in jail awaiting trial on the murder charge and he tried to give them to other inmates, which is a violation of jail rules. A sheriff's deputy testified at a hearing in May that they warned Wilson not to pass food to other inmate then shocked him with a stun gun when he ignored them. Wilson was tackled and handcuffed after he reportedly charged a deputy. Second-degree assault and attempted second-degree assault charges against Wilson were dropped in exchange for the contraband guilty plea. "Why are the taxpayers paying the judiciary to hold this hearing on some contraband sandwiches?" he said in a telephone interview with the Gazette of Colorado Springs. "Taxpayers want to know where their money is going -- there it is." Wilson was convicted last month of first-degree murder in the strangling death of Liza Chavez, 37.
Hi, I'm Richard Gere, and I'm speaking for the entire world.
|
|
Personally, I think Gere is an asswipe and he couldn't persuade me to step out of a burning building.
2005-01-04
Grade your Caffeine I.Q.
If you think you know this best pal, think again.
And, as T.R. Reid, the author of the piece says, "Slurped in black coffee or sipped in green tea, gulped down in a soda or knocked back in a headache pill, caffeine is the world's most popular psychoactive drug." I am not in a position to argue.
There is forum dedicated to methods of brewing the perfect pot of coffee and links that explain how Coffee/Caffeine works to the impact of caffeine on health.
First musical purhcase
The first music I spent my own money on:
The Band's Last Waltz on eight-track. I was knee high to a grass blade at the time.
Duane Swierczynski's:
It was the first album I ever purchased.
It was 1981; I was nine years old; sue me.
My mom's first album, purchased in 1954:
Flood the Zone
Industry insiders are aghast at new CNN chief Jonathan Klein's appalling lack of sensitivity to the tsunami disaster in his ongoing media tour today.
Klein told USATODAY that CNN was "able to flood the zone immediately."
"It's jarring," said one news executive. "This guy's obsessed with associating himself with the coverage of this tragedy and he royally sticks his foot in his mouth his first time out of the gate -- could there be a worse choice of words to use after 150,000 people just died in an epic flood of waves?"
I'm thinking, "A huge wave of coverage has hit the island" or "The other news agencies are all washed up" might have been a bit worse. But not much.
Put 'em Up!
The Onion: Who could you take in a fight?
Micky Dolenz: You mean, bring with me to a fight?
O: No, who could you beat up?
MD: [Laughs.] Uh, specifically a name?
O: Yeah, a person in particular. Who do you think you could take?
MD: Well, probably just about anybody, 'cause I'm armed.
Billy Connolly: Who could I take down? Oh, Robin Williams.
O: Robin Williams?
BC: Oh, easy, yeah. I nearly had him last night. They pulled me off him. I nearly socked him on an' away off. Little bastard and his fucking woolly hat. Who does he think he is? As a matter of fact, if he wasn't flying me to L.A. today in his plane, I would have done it. [Connolly and Williams were appearing together at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. —ed.] I would have fucking had him. If it was my plane, I would have belted him. I just don't happen to have a plane.
Matthew Sweet: [Laughs.] Gee, that's a hard one to answer. I don't know exactly what the angle is. Who could I take in a fight? Anyone I was angry enough at to really want to. But I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Seth Green: [Laughs.] Um, Warwick Davis. He's the guy in Willow, and he played Wicket the Ewok. I'll kick his fuckin' ass. I'll throw him down a fuckin' flight of stairs. I'll grab him by the ankles and shake him out on a fuckin' concrete stairs like an Oriental rug. [Laughs.] I used to think I could take Gary Coleman until he beat up that lady.O: He's like a security guard or something, so he's probably got training.
SG: Right, and I saw that chick. She was big, and he kicked her ass. So now I'm not as sure. I used to think he was the one. [Pauses, laughs.] Warwick Davis is such a good answer, man. [Laughs.] I'll fight the fuck out of Warwick Davis.
Alice Cooper: Um, you'd be surprised. Me, probably not anybody. But Alice is not afraid of anybody. I would take Alice into a biker bar and let him walk in and stare around, and I don't think anyone would hassle him. Myself, I was a track runner. I was a good miler and two-miler. I could outrun just about anybody. [Laughs.] But I think one of the reasons I created Alice was to do my fighting for me. And I'm pretty sure I could take Donny Osmond.
George Carlin: Uh, let's see... Probably Lauren Bacall.
Big Heads
And now, without further preamble, I give you: BIG HEADS!
2005-01-03
Nerd Quotient
This or That
Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire----- Kelly is my man. A manly dancer that made it through singing in the rain with full blown pneumonia while nurturing the alcohol laden Debbie Reynolds. A hero of the tap shoe.
Sean Connery or Roger Moore----- This is really not something we have to debate, right? Connery was a sexy, strong, action oriented Bond. I wanted to slug Moore to get that urbane smirk off his face. I could see the women falling into bed with Connery. Moore? No fucking way. Get it? No fuc... fine. Be that way.
Superman or Batman----- Again, no real debate. The goody two shoes alien or the rich psycho that turned personal tragedy into the best noir comic out there. Of course, we not taking into account television versions. But movie versions counter act that. So my formula holds true.
2005-01-02
dong resin vs. Altoids cinnamon chewing gum
Note to Self: Everything I've Been Taught is Wrong
This from the Telegraph's James Langton:
With its towering dinosaurs and a model of the Grand Canyon, America's newest tourist attraction might look like the ideal destination for fans of the film Jurassic Park. The new multi-million-dollar Museum of Creation, which will open this spring in Kentucky, will, however, be aimed not at film buffs, but at the growing ranks of fundamentalist Christians in the United States. It aims to promote the view that man was created in his present shape by God, as the Bible states, rather than by a Darwinian process of evolution, as scientists insist.The centrepiece of the museum is a series of huge model dinosaurs, built by the former head of design at Universal Studios, which are portrayed as existing alongside man, contrary to received scientific opinion that they lived millions of years apart.
Other exhibits include images of Adam and Eve, a model of Noah's Ark and a planetarium demonstrating how God made the Earth in six days.
The museum, which has cost a mighty $25 million (£13 million) will be the world's first significant natural history collection devoted to creationist theory. It has been set up by Ken Ham, an Australian evangelist, who runs Answers in Genesis, one of America's most prominent creationist organisations. He said that his aim was to use tourism, and the theme park's striking exhibits, to convert more people to the view that the world and its creatures, including dinosaurs, were created by God 6,000 years ago.
Carbon dating be damned, I guess the Flintstones were an accurate portrayal of man's early self. Wait! Does this mean Gazoo was real? Cool!
This is not the only museum of this type. You'll find them in Ohio, a few in California, Florida, Tennessee, Colorado, Georgia, Turkey, Germany, the UK, Washington, South Dakota and one in Texas of all places. Go figure...
Origami 2005
Actual result: have mastered the boulder.
Brain... hurts.
Tomorrow: Origami Sled!
Cheered by prospect of Origami Weasel.
For your Listening Pleasure
Yes, Kick Ass Rokenrol from Siberia!
I saw them for the first time last year and they have one of the best damn stage shows you'll ever see. Walk into the venue of the night, depressed, feet dragging, eyes red with weeping at the horrors of the world and those boys will soon have you belly dancing, singing and waving your arms spastically in the air.
As they will tell you, they're better than sex.
I was in an asinine mood when I saw them and when Igor approached and asked how I was, I said in my snarkiest assgirl tone that their show was terrible and I wanted my money back. He whipped five bucks out of his pocket (tight, red pants sans cameltoe) and apologized. "Maybe the next song will help," he said, concerned and damn sincere. From 2001's Freakshow, they played Sex in Paradise. I was deeply converted and quite repentant. 
has become a perennial Jen favorite.
Know now and except it later, the Red Elvises: Their infectious rock will get in your blood, lower your inhibitions, kick the shit out of your darker then Trent mood and force you to dance. Listen and love the boys from Siberia.
What do you wanna do with your life?
There is a huge difference between just writing and being read. I've written enough to fill a hard drive and have unread writing harkening back to floppy disk (not so far back that the floppies are actually floppy). Must let go. Must breath. Freedom beckons after the send button is clicked. Be free, be free...
I've lived by a simple rule of doing what I fear and doing that before the easy things. So, submit I must.
Next, the dishes.
And there is a website dedicated to what people want to do next.
Everything from potty training a child (luck to you on that one), learning how to remember people's names and falling in love to shaking hands with
(watch out, he can be a bit moody), get over a fear of flying and go to Burning Man
Unless it involves stalking me, make your dreams happen, people. Use the power of fear to make it happen, if need be. If your people really love you, they may disagree, they may not understand, but they'll support you nonetheless. If not, we'll band together and form a conglomerate that will make their lives a living hell as success upon success is heaped upon you while they wallow in 'I-was-wrongness'. Then, you can forgive them as they cleave to you, weeping at your feet.
That's my plan. Care to join me?
2004-12-31
This is for 2004
stingy? no more!
The United States has increased aid promised to $350 million.
"The United States is pledging $350 million to help tsunami victims, a tenfold increase over its first wave of aid, President Bush announced Friday.
"Initial findings of American assessment teams on the ground indicate that the need for financial and other assistance will steadily increase in the days and weeks ahead," Bush said Friday in a statement released in Crawford, Texas, where he is staying at his ranch.
"Our contributions will continue to be revised as the full effects of this terrible tragedy become clearer," he said. "Our thoughts and prayers are with all those affected by this epic disaster."
Bush also is sending Secretary of State Colin Powell to Indian Ocean coastal areas ravaged by earthquake and tsunami to assess what more the United States needs to do. The president's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, will travel with him.
The newly announced aid came after some critics claimed that the initial U.S. contribution of $35 million was meager considering the vast wealth of the nation.
France has promised $57 million, Britain has pledged $95 million, Sweden is sending $75.5 million and Spain is offering $68 million, although that pledge is partly in loans."From somewherequiet:
President Bush defended American generosity Wednesday, even as his administration figures out how to pay for more help beyond the $35 million it has already promised to tsunami victims in Asia.In his first remarks since the weekend disaster that so far has killed more than 125,000, Bush -- like some in his administration previously -- took umbrage at a U.N. official's suggestion that the world's richest nations were "stingy," and indicated much more is expected to be spent to help the victims.
"Well, I felt like the person who made that statement was very misguided and ill-informed," Bush said from his Texas ranch. "We're a very generous, kindhearted nation, and, you know, what you're beginning to see is a typical response from America."
Let's visit the facts so far to understand why we shouldn't be outraged by being called stingy:
Death Toll:
80,000+ (this number will double)
Countries Affected:
23
How Much Faster the Earth is Spinning Because of The Quake:
One Second
How Much the Bush '05 Inaguration Will Cost:
40 Million Dollars
How Much We Pledged in Tsunami Relief As A Country:
35 Million Dollars
Stingy? Nah.
And this from the Scotsman:
Bush 'Undermining UN with Aid Coalition'
By Jamie Lyons, PA Political Correspondent
United States President George Bush was tonight accused of trying to undermine the United Nations by setting up a rival coalition to coordinate relief following the Asian tsunami disaster.
But former International Development Secretary Clare Short said that role should be left to the UN.
“I think this initiative from America to set up four countries claiming to coordinate sounds like yet another attempt to undermine the UN when it is the best system we have got and the one that needs building up,” she said.
“Only really the UN can do that job,” she told BBC Radio Four’s PM programme.
“It is the only body that has the moral authority. But it can only do it well if it is backed up by the authority of the great powers.”
Ms Short said the coalition countries did not have good records on responding to international disasters.
She said the US was “very bad at coordinating with anyone” and India had its own problems to deal with.
“I don’t know what that is about but it sounds very much, I am afraid, like the US trying to have a separate operation and not work with the rest of the world through the UN system,” she added.
New Year's Blah
Catherina Scalia, 38, and Rose Skorge, 34, were arrested Wednesday afternoon after they "offered and agreed to engage in sexual conduct with others in return for a fee" at their hot dog stand. Scalia offered to expose her breasts to an undercover officer who was buying a hot dog and Skorge offered him oral sex in exchange for money, Deputy Inspector Rick Capece. The women also gave the officer a card for a stripper business.
Across America, brawls are going Tyson as ears and fingers are bitten off and, in some cases, swallowed. People are encouraged to leave guns at home when they celebrate.
The airlines are fucked because no one wants to work for free on New Years. And because they're so top heavy.
The dollar sinks in value everyday in odd accordance with world opinion of America.
The word 'peace' is being bandied about in the Sudan. I have a surface believe when I see it but there is hope.
In my daily sweep of internet news sites, U.S. papers complain about Bush-bashing whilst everyone else in the world is trying to garner as much aid as possible for the victims of the tsunami. Priorities people.
Anna Nicole tain't gettin' no dough from her hubbies estate. Damn lawyer can't get her any money or keep her sober for televised events.
This coming year will bring Don Quixote's 400-year anniversary.
The Guardian has a clever run down of 2004 called Go Figure.
Alexander is pulled from movie theaters and declared a flop akin to that of Waterworld.
I need a nap.
Links to banned ads of 2004.
I'm taking a nap.
Before and After
Hair today, worn tomorrow
Carmel resident Victoria Pettigrewcame up with VIP Fibers, a company in Morgan Hill.Be it dog hair cat hair, rabbit fur, goat hair, alpaca fleeces, llama fleeces, and other exotic fibers, they'll make it into yarn and even knit the sweater or afgan of your choice. Pettigrew started the company about three years ago after her 16-year-old Lhasa Apso, Karly, died. Pettigrew created a scarf from some of the hair she had saved from brushing Karly. Having the scarf gave her comfort when she missed Karly, and Pettigrew thought other pet owners might feel the same.
"I have a personal understanding of how it feels to lose a beloved pet, and we strive to treat every fiber entrusted to us as if the pet was 'visiting.' We work very hard and with the greatest care to send the pet back home as soon as possible and in loving condition," she said.
A majority of VIP Fibers' business is with dog hair, though the company has transformed hair from cats, sheep, alpaca, bison, rabbits, hamsters, cows and even horses. Customers come from across the United States, Canada and overseas, including England and Indonesia.
Pettigrew devotes a section of her Web site to discussing the merits of spinning pet hair into yarn. Yarn spun from dog hair, in particular, has been considered good luck in the past, and Pettigrew writes that it's 80 percent warmer than sheep's wool.
You'll pay a few hundred dollars, but who can argue the worth of having one's beloved pet keeping one warm well after the pet is in the cold, cold ground?
2004-12-30
Mornin'!
The hard water has condemned another coffee maker to a half hour to brew brown water.
Winter and a faulty garage door have brought in mice for the cats to play with and for me to find in corpse form in unsavory stiffness as the sun attempts to rise.
A new experience, and one in keeping with the season, is pouring eggnog over the cereal. Not tasty.
Is it no wonder I prefer a nocturnal life?
List of Lists
The lists include the Bad Science Awards, Top Cryptozoology Stories, 10 Moments In Bad Journalism and Top 10 Web Diversions.
Plan on parking for a few days and taking in the year the way it should be taken in: on your ass.
2004-12-29
Secrets Of Erotica...Revealed!
Secrets Of Erotica...Revealed!
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
Yes, in this one-time-only post, I, Michael O'Mahony, bestselling author of such self-help books as "But It Looks Nothing Like A Fucking Flower!": How To Write Descriptive Prose About The Female Genitalia, and Why Everyone Laughs When You Call It Admiral Winky, have gathered my considerable knowledge of writing dirty stories into one, easy-to-read package so that you, my readers, can go away and write the kind of erotica that will ruin underwear all over the world.
Before we start, please feel free to browse my recent forays into filth and depravity; A Conspiracy Of One, Collect Call To An Unknown Lover, Tomorrow, Five Minutes Alone, Rain, and Fitz And Me.
All done with those? Still want to be a master/mistress of the erotic arts? Marvellous. If words be the food of love, read on...
Be Able To Write In The First Place
If you can't string simple words together in a coherent fashion, you will never be an erotic writer. Brutal but true. While erotica is a much-maligned genre that is rarely taken seriously by the mainstream, it still requires a certain degree of talent to become respected and read in the field, even if your hardcore audience does consist of men in dirty raincoats who buy books with glossy covers that depict impossibly beautiful women pouting seductively whilst writhing amongst silk bedsheets.
Understand Your Genre And Your Audience
There are many different varieties of erotica, and not all of them are literary. On the internet for example, The Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository (Adult Site) contains a veritable blizzard of strange, horrible, and poorly written tales in categories ranging from Non-Consensual Gay Sex to Mind Control (I wish I was kidding). ASSTR is basically a portal to the largest collection of erotic stories on the internet. I haven't read them all. I doubt I've read 1% of them. But I have seen enough and know enough to be sure that of these thousands and thousands of dirty stories, about twelve are actually any good. The reason I want you to go there is not so that you'll have a fine old time reading some awesome fiction, but to give you an understanding of just how huge and varied this genre is. If somebody somewhere has fantasised about it, you're bound to find a story that features it.
Chosen A Category? Spiffy. Now Let's Get To The Actual Writing.
Now you've chosen a Category (and those that chose vampires, vacuum cleaners, a video game character, or Mind Control can find the exit in the top right hand corner), you need to think about how you're going to write your story and what it's going to be about. In my own work, there is a huge difference between Fitz And Me (a lengthy tale with three-dimensional characters that actually attempts to tell a story and tap into the reader's emotions as well as their pants), and Rain (in which two anonymous characters engage in clumsy, passionate sex against a backdrop of rain in an empty, nameless city). The contrast, to me, is obvious. Whereas the latter story's erotic content is its centrepiece and meaning, the former uses erotic elements as a means to an end, in this case the telling of a doomed love story. These are two different approaches that attempt to make the reader feel similar emotions (though the overwhelming e-mail response to Rain suggested that it invoked a feeling of nostalgia and lost love).
So...decide what your story will be about, how long or short (approximately) it will be, and what it is you want to give your readers. If your answer to that last question was "an orgasm", then that's absolutely fine. I now plan to show you how to do this with style.
How To Write Sex
There is no right way to bring the glare of your descriptive prose to bear on sexual interaction of any kind. But there are many, many wrong ways. In my experience, and assuming the writer has talent in the first place, there is a tendency to go in one of two directions.
"Pamela screamed in ecstasy as I splattered her smiling face and jiggling tits with my thick, creamy man-custard."
This kind of thing is most commonly found in works written by males that spend too much time reading the letters page of Reader's Wives and surfing internet porn sites. Crazy as it seems, I have read work exactly like this. Erotica can be funny, but nobody wants the audience to laugh when they're not supposed to.
"Camilla gasped and clapped her hands to her heaving bosom as Robert unveiled his throbbing manhood and then reached to rend her blouse asunder."
You are a woman. You read too much Mills And Boon. Your writing would lose a battle of erotic content to a cheese sandwich. Danielle Steele sucks, and if your work reads like a sub-par attempt to copy her, then you may as well give up now.
While those two examples are still fresh in your minds, I'd like to deal, for a moment, with language. 'Man-custard', unless you're writing in character and such a colourful turn of phrase comes (no pun intended) naturally, is not an acceptable euphemism for semen. Admittedly, 'semen' is not exactly an erotic word in the first place, but surely you can do better than that. I pretty much always use 'come'. Yes, that's 'c','o','m','e'. There is no such word as 'cum'. If you attempt to use it in your erotic fiction, I will have you killed.
Acceptable Euphemisms For Penis: Cock, Dick, Prick...or any descriptive variations on the theme...it's not too difficult to write descriptive prose about the penis and its activities. There certainly isn't a need for any of the following: Bacon Bazooka, Bald Avenger, Beef Missile, Bitch Stick, Captain Howdy, Charlie Russell The One-Eyed Muscle, Dr. Cyclops, Fun Truncheon, Gash Mallet, Godzilla, Jive Sausage, Little Jesus, Meat Thermometer, Mini-Me, Mr. Giggles, Muff Mole, Optimus Prime, Piss Whistle, Pump-Action Yoghurt Rifle, Purple Avenger, Slit-Eyed Demon, Soul Pole, Spurt Reynolds, Twelve-Inch Train Of Pain...or any variation thereof.
Acceptable Euphimisms For Vagina: This one's tougher. The only really useful one is 'cunt', and some folk are deeply offended by that particular word. I rather like it myself. 'Pussy' is also widely used, but I've always thought it sounded a bit lame. Then again, it's possible it has simply been ruined for me by too many years of hardcore pornography. Either way, a good writer can see the image in his or her head and write about it without ever resorting to using any of these: Bearded Clam, Beef Jacket, Birth Cannon, Bitchcake, Camp Coochie, Cock Holster, Finger Warmer, Flesh Wallet, Four-Lipped Man-Eater, Front Butt, Fuck Hole, Garage Of Love, Gleaming Mound Of Venus, Growler, Gutted Hamster, Hairy Chequebook, Meat Curtains, Momma's Silk Purse, Ninja Slipper, Old Toothless, Panty Rabbit, Pink Palace, Snake Charmer, Wizard's Sleeve, Wookie....etc. etc.
Rely on your natural talent for writing good, sound prose, no matter how obscure the similes you may find yourself drawing on. Good erotic fiction understands the rules so that it can break them.
You Are Now Ready To Write Erotica
That's it...the end of this short but educational trip into the realm of the erotic. Go forth, my students. Go forth and write of warm skin, glistening flesh, and throbbing shafts. Fill the world with love and spectacular prose, not man-custard and beef missiles. Your readers will thank you, and so will I.
Important Safety Advice; Field Tested; Part II
Yuck Factor 2004
14. My left foot
13. Genre Isolationism
12. Horny hand puppets
11. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
10. Any talk show host described as 'perky' i.e. "Perky TV host Kelly Ripa,34, knows the secret of balancing the demands of family and fun - margaritas!"
9. 'He's Just not into You'. The restraining order should have been the first clue, people.
8. Dr. Phil McGraw, who has new deal with producers of his daytime talk show cleverly called "Dr. Phil."
7. Weekly World News; especially columnist Vicki York and such articles as: How To 'flip' A Platonic Friend - and turn her into a sex machine! and Teach Your Gal's Dog To Fetch Beer. we like humor that doesn't hit us over the head like: Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up and Archaeological Dig Uncovers
6. All of the home-redo, swap rooms, look at what the 'crazy designer lady with no credentials did to my house' shows.
5. Reality show celebrities.
4. Cat puke - cold or warm, they're equally yuck.
3. Super couples
2. The political 'are so, are so'/'am not, am not' crap pervading the news
1. Paris Hilton. Frankly, even people banning her is getting boring. So 'not hot'.
Important Safety Advice; Field Tested
How to Fix Mom's Computer
A few problems reported:
Deleted spyware with Ad-Aware
True story: my mother-in-law heard a Barenaked Ladies song on the radio that she liked, so she Googled "bare naked ladies." There was more porn than music in the search results. She clicked around.
"Suddenly this weird web search bar showed up in my browser," she told me. "And after that, I couldn't use the computer at all. Any time I went to it, the disk drive made lots of noise and the whole computer was so slow, I couldn't get it to do anything."
Switched default web browser to Firefox
Mozilla's Firefox is easier to use and more secure a web browser than Microsoft Internet Explorer, so the next order of business was to switch my mother-in-law to Firefox. I downloaded Firefox, installed it, and imported all of IE's preferences and bookmarks. When Firefox asked if it should be the default web browser, I clicked "Yes." (I want all clicked links from here on out to launch Firefox and not IE.) This browser switch has to be seamless for my mother-in-law, who doesn't and shouldn't have to think about what browser she's using.
Trimmed down startup programs
Windows took a long time to load on the computer because a bunch of software was set to start automatically. To remove these programs from starting with Windows, I went to the Start button, chose "Run" and typed "MSCONFIG" (no quotes.)
I adore Firefox and have installed it on my mom's system as well as getting rid of the horrific amount of spyware and adware she had lurking on her hard drive. Her system went from snail to rabbit in the space of two hours and I was a momentary hero.
AP Reports Tsunami Killed Very Few Animals
YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka - Wildlife officials in Sri Lanka expressed surprise Wednesday that they found no evidence of large-scale animal deaths from the weekend's massive tsunami — indicating that animals may have sensed the wave coming and fled to higher ground.
An Associated Press photographer who flew over Sri Lanka's Yala National Park in an air force helicopter saw abundant wildlife, including elephants, buffalo, deer, and not a single animal corpse.
Floodwaters from the tsunami swept into the park, uprooting trees and toppling cars onto their roofs — one red car even ended up on top of a huge tree — but the animals apparently were not harmed and may have sought out high ground, said Gehan de Silva Wijeyeratne, whose Jetwing Eco Holidays ran a hotel in the park.
"This is very interesting. I am finding bodies of humans, but I have yet to see a dead animal," said Wijeyeratne, whose hotel in the park was totally destroyed in Sunday's tidal surge.
"Maybe what we think is true, that animals have a sixth sense," Wijeyeratne said.
Yala, Sri Lanka's largest wildlife reserve, is home to 200 Asian Elephants, crocodile, wild boar, water buffalo and gray langur monkeys. The park also has Asia's highest concentration of leopards. The Yala reserve covers an area of 391 square miles, but only 56 square miles are open to tourists.
The human death toll in Sri Lanka surpassed 21,000. Forty foreigners were among 200 people in Yala who were killed.
2004-12-28
Truck Drivin' Dog Day Afternoon
Possibly bored, Henson's playful pooch jumped over and knocked the truck into gear. With little choice in the matter, the truck charged into the building. Clerk Josh Hopper heard the crash and looked up from the transaction.
"His truck was in the window," Hopper said. "I thought, 'Oh no.' Everybody was fine. His front left tire just made it onto the brick wall."
"The guy said he was standing there, looked up, and saw his dog driving his truck through the building," said a copper on the scene.
No one was hurt and no humans or animals were cited.
Banks is back...
is a complete bastard. Watch your double glazes, Ray m'boy! I've got the Docs on and they're lookin' fer English arse!
P.S. You're right, Newton, despite his name, rocks the noir casbah.
Ghettopoly to be Destoyed
Sontag dies at 71
The author of 17 books translated into 32 languages, she vaulted to public attention and critical acclaim with the 1964 publication of "Notes on Camp," written for Partisan Review and included in "Against Interpretation," her first collection of essays, published two years later.
Sontag died at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City.
Sontag wrote about subjects as diverse as pornography and photography, the aesthetics of silence and the aesthetics of fascism, Bunraku puppet theater and the choreography of Balanchine, as well as portraits of such writers and intellectuals as Antonin Artaud, Walter Benjamin, Roland Barthes and Elias Canetti.
"A novel worth reading," she replied, "is an education of the heart. It enlarges your sense of human possibility, of what human nature is, of what happens in the world. It’s a creator of inwardness." She was the cartographer of her own literary explorations. Henry James once remarked, "Nothing is my last word on anything." For Sontag, as for James, there was always more to be said, more to be felt.
She is survived by her son, David, and a sister, Judith Cohen.
I want Neil Gaimen to adopt me
.jpg)
Helping those that Hurt
2004-12-27
How to use a hand puppet to meet, attract, and date tons of single women...
Here's how he does it:
- First, you will need a hand puppet. You can buy them at your major toy stores such as Toys 'R Us.
- Bring your hand puppet with you to a nightclub where there are lots of single ladies.
- When you see a girl that you're attracted to, approach her and tap her on the shoulder lightly with your puppet and when she turns around raise your hand puppet towards her face and say something like this with your puppet, "Hi, beautiful, would you like to dance with me?" Move your puppet up and down with your hand as you are saying your script just as if the puppet was really talking. And be sure to talk in a real silly voice.
- What happens next? She's going to die laughing and think that you are so funny. Plus, you will make a very favorable impression on her because women love a guy with a sense of humor. And, of course, she will most likely dance with you.
Have you Kama Sutra and Eat It, Too!
Not sure what to think of the Ejaculating Eclair.
Yoga for elephants
Easy enough to picture an elephant, of course. 
Easy enough for most to picture yoga. 
I've got firm images of Babar in place. 
Anyone that loves or has loved Babar must see the seemingly stiff pachyderm do the plough.
Thank you Ruth...
Happy Christmas, Merry Holiday and please stop playing those damned songs now!
The annual raptor visit occurred early and this year, for the first time, it wasn't a hawk but a peregrine falcon.
Now New Year's thing is looming and I can tell you I hate only Valentine's Day more. Curling up with a good book, music in the background as I sip a hot cup of tea sounds lovely. No TV. No clock watching.
But that won't happen.
I'll be amongst humans and made to be sociable and happy. Damn. There is a rumor that young Bryon will make an appearence. If he survives the full on Jordan experience with his sanity intact, we have a hideous Jordan ritual that features him in the middle of a circle as we all dance around him and sing, "One of us, one of us." After, he gets a tattoo on his ass, he's made to drink from a cauldron and he must sacrifice an Elmo doll. Bryon, you'd best get fucked up.
2004-12-22
Lyonne Low
The "American Pie" star was arrested Friday night at her Manhattan home after she allegedly made menacing remarks to a neighbor's pet.
Sources claimed that Lyonne burst into her neighbor's third-floor apartment around 11 p.m. and grabbed and threatened the dog. The unlucky canine was not injured in the bizarre attack, but other tenants in the building called the police, who showed up to arrest Lyonne.
During her alleged rage fest, the indie-film regular also reportedly ripped a mirror off the wall of the apartment and screamed threats at her neighbor.
It was not clear what sparked Lyonne's attack. As of Tuesday night, she had made no comment on her arrest.
It's not the first time Lyonne has wound up in trouble with the law. In 2001, she was busted for drunken driving in Miami Beach after she crashed her car into a sign and fled the scene of the accident.
Tong Recipient Painfully Silent
Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan police say the victim, a 25-year-old man, awoke Saturday morning with a metal object protruding from his body.
The victim, who police say was using cocaine at the time, told police he does not remember much of what happened.
He told doctors he was drinking and using cocaine at his mobile home Friday night when he saw two women outside his home and invited them in.
The victim's cousin took him to Memorial Health University Medical Center Saturday after he complained of pain. Doctors surgically removed an object identified as "one half of a pair of food tongs," and turned it over to police.
No information was available on the man's condition, according to a hospital spokesman.
The two women are wanted on aggravated sexual battery charges, but police say they aren't having much luck finding them.
"We have no descriptions of the women, being that (the victim) is not cooperating with the police," police spokesman Sgt. Mike Wilson said. "And there's little we can do to urge cooperation."
Somebody Spiked the Milk!
Of course, giving beer to cattle could give a new meaning to cow-tipping.
Is Happy Holidays an Anti-Christian Sentiment?
A few gems:
The kvetching is especially loud this year, with a spate of stories chronicling the outrage over a particularly insidious form of anti-Christian bigotry: the Satanic phrase "happy holidays."
But "Happy Holidays" is just a skirmish in the Axis of Atheism's total war to annihilate Christmas. When the Target chain opted not to make a special exemption for the Salvation Army from its general ban on solicitation, it was tarred as not merely Scrooge-like, but anti-Christian, and deserving of a boycott. Newsweek is ineptly slagged for running an extremely mild piece to the effect that some scholars doubt whether various aspects of the biblical Christmas story could be historically accurate. Even the neutral-sounding phrase "winter break" for the vacation weeks students of various religions are given evokes the specter of the lion pits. If your media diet is largely constrained to Fox News and The Washington Times, it may seem that Bill O'Reilly stands all but alone in having a good word for the holiday amid an "anti-Christmas jihad."
Doubtless the faithful face many burdens, but it's probably worth recalling, for perspective's sake, the (almost certainly accurately) conventional wisdom that an open atheist could not be elected to national political office. George Bush the First may not have been quite as voluble about his faith as his prodigal son, but nevertheless he was dissuaded by neither realpolitik nor etiquette from telling one reporter: "I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots."
Camel Toe Report
Hunk a Hunk a Burnin' Love
Rose McGowan ("Charmed") will play Ann-Margret, the actress who co-starred with Presley in the 1964 film "Viva Las Vegas."
A little Rose on Jonathan action will probably not hurt the numbers.
Let your Tongue do the Walking
2004-12-21
I Don't Understand
The anonymous man in his 20s had a breast reduction operation to remove saggy "man's boobs" after losing a lot of weight.The Ministry of Defence paid a total of £37,838 for cosmetic surgery treatments last year, including nose jobs and tummy tucks.
The Navy insisted the operations were carried out in military hospitals for "serious clinical reasons".
Students of Britain's largest exam board, Edexcel, is offering a chance to study how to fit a bra. A certificate of excellence is offered for those that, well, excell. Michelle Wallace, head of development at Debenhams, said: "We want our staff to have a more rounded knowledge of the subject." One questions how firmly her tongue was placed in her cheek at the time of the statement.
The policemen from Quindio said they were afraid of handling and opening the dolls in case they were really magic and something bad things could happen to them.
A police spokesman told Terra Noticias Populares: "I know that there is no such thing as witches but if they exist, then they really exist." The quesy police said that they seized the dolls from a street stall in order to protect the local people's morals.Sir Elton John sees snow-covered Alpine mountains and is reminds him of wilder drug-fuelled days as a young musician.
"When I fly over the snow-covered Alps, all I think about is the 'snow' that I once took," he told German magazine Neon, explaining that the word snow is often used as a synonym for cocaine. The 57-year-old pop star said he took "a lot" of cocaine when he was younger. "Somebody once calculated that I spent 70 million dollars every 20 months in the 80s. What for? Amongst other things cocaine." A new definition of 'a lot' as far as I'm concerned.
Holy Huge Haul, Batman!
"Experts said Monday's raid on the Northern Bank cash center was the biggest robbery since 1987, when thieves made off with about $65 million in cash and other valuables from the Knightsbridge Safe Deposit Center in west London.
The tactics in Belfast - particularly the use of hostage-taking as a way to infiltrate a high-security target - suggested a level of sophistication and experience most commonly found within Northern Ireland's rival outlawed groups, particularly the Irish Republican Army.
"This isn't a gang of Belfast criminals who just got together. It's more than that. This looks like a military operation with obvious connotations," said John O'Connor, a former commander of Scotland Yard's elite detective unit in London."
'Tis the Season to be Crabby
Holiday shoppers got into a knock down fight over a parking space in West Hartford, Conn. Police said the confrontation developed just after 3:30 p.m. in the crowded lot of the Corbins Corner Shopping Center, home to Best Buy, Toys "R" Us and other retailers.When a parking space opened up, two cars turned up to fill it.
A woman riding in one of the cars tossed an orange peel at the other vehicle. Angry words erupted and three people jumped out of the cars and, within moments, Officer Kevin McCarthy said, "all three went to the ground."
"It turned into a little free-for-all," McCarthy said.
No one was hurt, but Luz Alicea, 43, Jasmin Kurtz, 16, both of Hartford, and Julia Baldini, 22, of Suffield, were all charged with breach of peace.
In Oxnard, California, police were dispatched when a large Santa Claus statue had a series shots fired at it.
Officers found five bullet holes marring the jolly face of old St. Nick. Five 9 mm casings were lying on the street nearby, police said.
Mike Barber, Santa's caretaker, said the gunshots shattered the lenses on Santa's glasses and broke the frames. He and a friend used screws, glue and wire to patch the frames back together.
UPDATE: Via Aldo 'Deadline, what Dealine?' Calcagno.
Drivers traveling between Oxnard and Camarillo on Highway 101 can catch a glimpse of a 20-foot Santa that Mike Barber brought to Ventura County last year. He is a 27-year Nyeland Acres resident, president of Garden Acres Mutual Water Co. and keeper of the Kriss Kringle. For the past two Saturdays, Barber has encouraged kids to visit the jolly, plaster Santa by hosting a Christmas toy drive on site. For three hours, kids and parents could spill their wish list to a volunteer dressed as St. Nick and drop off presents that will be handed to needy kids throughout the county. The event this past Saturday was marred by vandalism earlier that morning -- somebody had shot Santa five times in the face. It was the first vandalism incident in Santa's two years here, and the culprit had not been caught as of Sunday. The story of how this Santa came to Nyeland Acres is a Christmas tale of rebirth. For 50 years, he rested on a candy store rooftop on Santa Claus Lane near Carpinteria. When the shop got a new owner and its roof grew unstable, Santa seemed destined for the wrecking ball. That was, until Barber offered to transplant the oversize Christmas symbol to an empty, Ventura Boulevard lot owned by the water company. Now, thanks to Barber, Santa has been given new life as a tourist attraction. And thanks to the recent toy drive, Santa is handing out presents this Christmas.
A Christmas tree shortage in Hawaii has the price of a tree jumping from about $70 to more than $200 dollars.
This Ought to Drown Some of that Christmas Cheer
WASHINGTON - In only four of the nation's 3,066 counties can someone working full-time and earning federal minimum wage afford to pay rent and utilities on a one-bedroom apartment, an advocacy group on low-income housing reported Monday.
A two-bedroom rental is even more of a burden - the typical worker must earn at least $15.37 an hour to pay rent and utilities, the National Low Income Housing Coalition said in its annual ``Out of Reach'' report. That's nearly three times the federal minimum wage of $5.15 an hour.
``You get pushed into a situation where some necessities don't get paid for'' because more salary must be devoted to housing, said Sheila Crowley, the coalition's executive director. ``For people on low-wage fixed incomes, that's a chronic way of life.''
Fast Chat: Wonkette
What's the relationship between bloggers and mainstream journalists?
They're locked in this mutually pleasurable sort of Tracy-Hepburn relationship, but it's not as entertaining to everyone else as it is to them. Watching Tracy and Hepburn is fun for the audience. Watching bloggers and mainstream journalists go at it—for one thing, you know they're not going to fall in love at the end.
Do bloggers end up as mainstream journalists?
Yes. One way to define a blog is resume building. I advise anyone who wants a job in mainstream journalism to start a blog and write about mainstream journalism.
What did you think of the bloggers' role in the Dan Rather affair?
I think they did a disservice to the debate because they made the debate about the documents and not about the president of the United States. There was another half to that story that had to do with verifiable events of what Bush may have been up to.
Oh, Brother!
Re-printed for Dianne of the Bad Day Clan
Last Thursday, I walked around work smiling and gloriously energetic. I received a raised brow question from my co-workers. The question implied was, “You’re cheerier and perkier then usual. What gives, woman?”
I answered.
“I have tomorrow off.” This alone instilled a mood of envy in the room. I was escaping cubicles, computers and customers for a day. In the middle of summer. On a Friday. Oh, the envy…
“What are you going to do?” Hmmm, char some meat on a grill, shop or maybe lay about like a lump of human clay waiting for inspiration to make something of me?
"I’m going to see Brother at Rainbow Summer. Twice.” Now the room had an audible form of envy I’ve rarely had reason to encounter. I was on the verge of giggling as I answered questions and received requests. Pictures and cd’s, when are they playing next and do you think it would be strange if we all called in sick tomorrow?
When I drove home from work that afternoon, the rain came down so hard that with the windshield wipers set on hyper-speed all they managed to do was give the lightning a heightened strobe effect. As I drove farther south, it got clearer and I started looking for a rainbow. I found it in the east and that sealed my fate as a grinning fool.
The next morning, I was instantly awake when the sun started to shine into my room. I hurriedly packed, not bothering to add books to my duffel bag because I wouldn’t crack a spine all weekend. Except my own. I was uncommonly worry free.
Leaving the Jordan casa late morning with plenty of time to spare, Ruth and I made our way across what was the 6th Street viaduct. I was happy because I was no longer being attacked by mama gulls protecting their broods as I cross the regal bridge. Ruth was happy because she was walking, not working. Under the sun, not incandescent bulbs. We were free and cheery and we were about to enter the joy zone.
As we approached the tree lined stage area, children ran around chasing butterflies and grown-ups ran around chasing each other. Bliss took residence in this small part of Milwaukee and it laid out the welcome mat.
As the noon hour approached, the blossom-like Dianne joined us and half the city. This crowd personified the word eclectic. There were suits on their lunch hour (I suspected they’d be late getting back), soccer moms, long hairs, no hairs, rich, poor and all shades of green in between. All sat in keen anticipation.
Why?
Let me get to the point.
Happiness is not a state of mind, something you find turning the right corner on the right street or finding the right person, job, car, or object of your choice. Happiness is a decision you make. No matter what you’ve been through, someone in the world has gone through worse and come through it with compassion. They’ve decided to be happy because they’re still alive in the chaos. They’re still striving in the muck of the day to day.
This band has survived a car crash that nearly took their lives, thrive in an existence of constant touring and make brilliant magical music that can lift the haze from a heavy heart. Their performance on the day of the World Trade Towers attack has gone down in local Milwaukee lore as a unifying and healing performance amidst deep sorrow. People held each other with the music keeping them whole and hopeful. This band is welcomed as brothers of everyone, everywhere, as often as possible.
And when they walk onstage, happiness is a forgone conclusion.
Let me lift a quote from their website, as they explain it better than I can.
"Whether on disc or live, our motivation is simple: to create the biggest bloody buzz possible between our music and our audience," says Hamish Richardson, who with sibling, Angus, shares frontman duties for Brother. "We just let the music speak for itself and trust our audiences to surrender themselves."
First on stage is the newest member Philly-born Derek 'Dez' Stewart on keyboards, harmonica, sampling mayhem and a twist of rap. Drummer T Xiques enters from stage left and quietly takes to the drums; belying the force of the music hurricane he is about to produce. Hamish Richardson soon romances the stage; playing alternatively the didgeridoo, bagpipes and guitar as brother Angus roots the band with bass, bagpipes and acoustic. Rounding them out is the strings chameleon, Rick Kurek, lavishing love with his cello and electric guitars. I should say all of these instruments were not played by everyone, at the same time. But, at times, I think that all onstage were like multi-armed Shiva’s bent on creation.
It took not even a full minute for them to hit a groove and for the audience to follow along. As the international bards of musical integration played, the crowd swayed, smiled and danced along. Looking to my left there was a middle-aged woman in full business attire, cutting a groove Madonna would envy. To my right were two fellow work castaways singing along with every word. Behind me was an older couple holding hands and keeping the beat with their feet. In front of me was a boy of about three or four dancing on his mama’s lap. Everyone was beaming.
After the first show, Ruth, Dianne and I bought cd’s and waited in line to have them signed. The group was surrounded. They were given drawings by children and gratitude from everyone. I, of course, made a complete ass of myself as they signed my cd’s. They were smiling and gracious and amused.
We left, knowing we’d be back in a few hours for the night show. We made sure we got there two hours earlier to ensure good seats. We were not the only ones. This group instills deep devotion in their fans.
When the band climbed onstage once again, the feeling in the air was electric. They asked very nicely if people would like to come to the front of the stage and let go… you know, dance! We made our way down there like a pack of puppies that just heard the kibble bowl being filled. I got off my butt and danced for the first time in years. At one point, the band brought a couple onstage. It took little encouragement for the gentleman to got down on bended knee and propose to the very surprised and assenting lady. The wonderful men onstage had sanctioned our release from shyness, passivity and solitude. We were surrounded by about a thousand of our closest friends as we danced and jumped and sang. The band put all they had into their music and then gave it to us. It was a beautiful gift.
I’ll lift another quote from Hamish Richardson to enlighten. "Brother first-timers often approach the band, fist to their chest and say: I really felt it here. Nothing defines our music better than that."
I felt it there. I made my way through the throng afterwards to express my heart-felt gratitude. I got a hug for my efforts. These are giving, generous and genuine people.
Two days afterward, I play their music, and I still feel it. In my calves, which are sore as hell after dancing and jumping like a kid for hours. And I’ve decided to be happy.
It is here that I mention that a woman in front of me took two rolls of film of this man's(Hamish Richardson) ass. I'm there for the music. I have a strong idea what she's there for.
2004-12-20
Keep on Linkin' in the Free World!
People will sign anything.
This really conveys the need to read before you sign.
Ursula K. Le Guin isn't terribly pleased with the Sci/Fi channels depiction of her Earthsea books. Well, neither am I! The books held most dear since childhood are all askew, full of a quite a few sex scenes I don't remember (and I re-read this series once every few years) and Ged is... let Le Guin tell you: "My protagonist is Ged, a boy with red-brown skin. In the film, he's a petulant white kid."
This is a major issue for Le Guin. "Most of the characters in my fantasy and far-future science fiction books are not white. They're mixed; they're rainbow. In my first big science fiction novel, The Left Hand of Darkness, the only person from Earth is a black man, and everybody else in the book is Inuit (or Tibetan) brown. In the two fantasy novels the miniseries is "based on," everybody is brown or copper-red or black, except the Kargish people in the East and their descendants in the Archipelago, who are white, with fair or dark hair. The central character Tenar, a Karg, is a white brunette. Ged, an Archipelagan, is red-brown. His friend, Vetch, is black. In the miniseries, Tenar is played by Smallville's Kristin Kreuk, the only person in the miniseries who looks at all Asian. Ged and Vetch are white."
"So far no reader of color has told me I ought to butt out, or that I got the ethnicity wrong. When they do, I'll listen. As an anthropologist's daughter, I am intensely conscious of the risk of cultural or ethnic imperialism—a white writer speaking for nonwhite people, co-opting their voice, an act of extreme arrogance. In a totally invented fantasy world, or in a far-future science fiction setting, in the rainbow world we can imagine, this risk is mitigated. That's the beauty of science fiction and fantasy—freedom of invention."
Now naproxen causes heart attack and stroke risk. When I asked my dad, an arthritis sufferer extrodinaire, what he thought about the potential for all of these drugs being taken off the market he said he'd rather risk the heart attack to cut down on the pain. And he didn't think the FDA would ask him before more medicine goes the way of Vioxx.
A recently released memo states that interrogations in Iraq went beyond FBI standards. While the memo apparently doesn't mention who authorized the torture, two government officials who spoke on condition of anonymity (of course) said the methods were approved. By whom? The man blissfully unaware of afore mentioned standards, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. And he chose to remain a cabinet member. Alanis, once again, that is ironic.
UPDATE: The ACLU has issued a statement that indicates that newly obtained FBI records call the Defense Department's Methods "Torture," and say that there is a "cover-up." NEW YORK -- A document released for the first time today by the American Civil Liberties Union suggests that President Bush issued an Executive Order authorizing the use of inhumane interrogation methods against detainees in Iraq. Also released by the ACLU today are a slew of other records including a December 2003 FBI e-mail that characterizes methods used by the Defense Department as "torture" and a June 2004 "Urgent Report" to the Director of the FBI that raises concerns that abuse of detainees is being covered up.
We grow 'em dumb in Milwaukee. A man robbing a bank wrote the robbery note on the back of a parole form that had his name and address clearly printed on it.
Visit the Museum of Obsure Patents. The patent of the week? A Laser-operated security mailbox.
A German golden retriever lived up to its name after it chased a mugger and returned a handbag to his female victim.The dog and his owner were out walking in Berg-am-Laim when the 51-year-old woman had her handbag snatched and began shouting for help. The passer-by sent dog Sizko off after the mugger, who quickly dropped the handbag when he felt the dog snapping at his heels.
Controversial former chess champion Bobby Fischer, who fled to Japan to avoid U.S. visa-violation charges, is smarting from a recent Time magazine description of him as something less than a babe magnet. He defended his virility to a Mainichi Daily News reporter in October by pointing out that he wears "size 14 wide shoes. Just keep that in mind when (they) say I'm not a dreamboat." After recounting an episode at a hot spring nude bath in Japan in which two fellow customers seemed in awe of his "size," Fischer then accused Americans of having persuaded Japanese authorities to lock him up in a facility close to a nuclear plant so that the U.S. government can "make me impotent."
What is a conservative, really? For the definitive answer, look here.
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"
--Ronald Reagan
--Barry Goldwater
Sometimes it's hard to be a Santa
2004-12-19
The Gallery of Fried Stuff
One Enchanted Evening
The whole place, from floor to ceiling, is beginning to look completely like Christmas. Every nook and cranny and every room, with the exception of the office, is bedecked. And the consumate cook, Ruth, wanted to guarantee that every nook and cranny of everyone's tummies had the same treatment. The dining room table featured a spread worthy of royalty. Ruth is magically able to sate the tastes of all of the odd Jordan tastes, from furnace faces to vegan. I'm forced to admit that I growled when people approached a few plates. I was feeling a tad proprietory about a few dishes (the spinach balls!). I don't apologize for my rudeness.
Jon was actually full. In fact, he stated that he may have actually eaten too much! Can you believe it?
Dianne, Ruth and I left during the spider scene. Very girly of us, isn't it?
2004-12-16
This is News?
PARIS (AFP) - The deep-fried Mars bar, a nutritionist's nightmare, surfaced in Scotland about a decade ago and is now an established part of the Scottish culinary scene, according to a letter published in The Lancet.
Dipped in batter and then cooked in hot oil, the Mars bar is now on sale in more than a fifth of Scotland's 627 fish-and-chip shops, it says.
The average sale is 23 bars per shop per week, but some shops say they sell up to 200 a week.
The deep-fried Mars bar first surfaced in news reports in 1995, reputedly originating in the eastern city of Aberdeen.
Promoters of Scottish tourism -- aghast at this damage to their efforts to highlight Scotland's history, culture and landscape -- joined with middle-class foodies in deriding the DFMB as media hype.
But this is untrue, say authors David Morrison and Mark Pettigrew of the Greater Glasgow NHS Board, who contend the snack is "deep and crisp and eaten."
"Scotland's deep-fried Mars bar is not just an urban myth," they say.
Health experts have condemned the deep-fried Mars bar as an artery-clogging catastrophe.
Scotland is already ranked as the country with the highest rate of chronic heart disease in Western Europe, a position that owes to cigarettes, alcohol, a poor diet and a love of sugary foods.
Critics should take heart, though. (get it? take heart?)
The Mediterranean diet is penetrating into Scotland, "albeit in the form of deep-fried pizza," say Morrison and Pettigrew.
Pizza is one of several items that customers have asked shops to deep-fry, along with bananas, pineapple rings and creme eggs, a highly sweet confectionery.
I see Jon heading to Scotland in the very near future.
Back from the Brink.. Again!
With an outdated motherboard, an oooollllldddddd Pentium II chip and a need for DSL, my dear friend Mathilda may end up becoming a part of the garden this spring in my 'Post-apocalyptic' themed area.
In my celebration, I've opened a Leinenkugel Big Butt beer and given the foster cats large piles of catnip. Joy abounds.
Location, Location, Location
"People forget why millions of Germans were fooled by Hitler ... but I painted a picture of him with his dog because he was once this figure in the past," said Gaudnek, an American who was born in Germany.
Gaudnek's art is on show at his small private gallery 15 miles from the Dachau concentration camp memorial in southern Germany where 32,000 people were murdered by the Nazis during the Holocaust.
It Just Doesn't Matter.
With Birds I'll Share a Seed Strewn Patio
I've had Achilles Tendonitis for a while and noticed that not only was it not healing but I'd developed large lumps on tendon. It's scar tissue. I've re-injured the tendon so many times and so frequently, it doesn't heal. So it's R.I.C.E. and, if the doctor gets his way, cortizone shots followed by an immobolizing cast. Not a fan of immobility at any junction, I find winter to be a particularly bad time to be casted.
If anyone has crutches and a spare computer, send them my way. I will kow tow in your direction twice a day for at least a week.
Operating System Not Found
Mathilda is.... old.
She's running on an ancient motherboard and (gasp!) a Pentium II chip. Yes, that old.
Her valiant efforts to stay with me are noted and I am grateful. But I know she and I are at the end of a long run. I've written a lot of stories and most of a book with her. I've edited with her. And now I've blogged with her. If her motherboard were not configured so irksomely, I would just keep rebuilding her. But she is not terribly 'compatible' with updating. She's an old-fashioned girl and wants to remain so. I, on the other hand, am enchanted by future possibilities. I'm tempted to keep her shell and rebuild from scratch within the empty tower. I love her that much...
2004-12-15
Botanical Bigotry
A FLORAL foul-up has left a city street lined with swastika shapes in a week of major Jewish celebrations.
Gardeners hired by Melbourne City Council intended to arrange the purple and white pot plants into neat geometric shapes.
Jewish community representatives were appalled last night by the timing of the blunder.
City venues including Federation Square are hosting hundreds of Jews this week to celebrate the eight-day Hanukkah festival.
The council sent hired green thumbs to rearrange the six offending garden beds last night, about an hour after Herald Sun inquiries.
"The arrangements, even if done inadvertently, are in appalling taste," Lord Mayor John So said. "I have asked that they be changed immediately."
Vandals were initially believed to have rearranged the plants as a racist slur. But closer investigation showed gardeners had inadvertently used the pattern.
Jewish-born councillor Carl Jetter at first said he was appalled by the arrangements, which he thought were vandalism.
"It's sad and it's unnecessary. It makes us, as an international destination, more uncomfortable," he said.
"I disagree with and don't want to see any racist activity in our city."
2004-12-14
Avatar Defined for Young Dianne
BTW, young Dianne is my sis and when we're in our eighties I will still refer to her as young Dianne. Annoying, isn't it?
Main Entry: av·a·tar
Pronunciation: 'a-v&-"tär
Function: noun
Etymology: Sanskrit avatAra descent, from avatarati he descends, from ava- away + tarati he crosses over -- more at UKASE, THROUGH
1 : the incarnation of a Hindu deity (as Vishnu)
2 a : an incarnation in human form b : an embodiment (as of a concept or philosophy) often in a person
3 : a variant phase or version of a continuing basic entity
Also referred to extensively in gaming, renaissance faires and Japanese anime.
Found in Translation
Tokyo - Every Christmas, Seiji Makino used to dread facing up to his three children whose questions about Santa Claus would leave him blank.
But this year Makino and other Japanese who want to be able to bellow out a perfect "Ho, ho, ho" are getting help in the form of professional training by the country's only "certified" Santa Claus.
"I saw in a kids' magazine that cookies and a cup of hot chocolate were placed under the Christmas tree but I didn't know why," said Makino, 38. 
Now Makino knows the answer: because kids welcome Santa with a snack for his delivering the presents.
His learning process required him to dress up in a red and white costume and stocking cap and to put on a white beard as he joined 40 other people - mostly Father Christmases but also a few Mother Christmases - in two hours of nuts and bolts training in the ways of Santa.
In a country famed for its perfectionist work ethic, the Santa students have a teacher with top credentials: Paradise Yamamoto, the only Japanese with a degree from the International Association of Authorized Santa Clauses based in Greenland.
Plump with rosy cheeks, Yamamoto is better known as one of Japan's top mambo musicians, but became authorised as Santa Claus after passing a competitive test in Greenland.
It's a wonderful life...
Joy!
I love Glen Baxter! I sent out Glen Baxter Christmas cards last year, joyfully consumed many books and I stumble across his website this sleepless night/morning and find myself delighted. That is more than content and slightly less than ecstatic for those of you keeping track. How many websites that you browse through have a portion of the site dedicated to beaver animation?
The Best Christmas Present Ever
Piscataway, N.J. — Researchers at Rutgers University have developed a trio of drugs they believe can destroy HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, according to a published report.
The drugs, called DAPYs, mimic the virus by changing shape, which enables them to interfere with the way HIV attacks the immune system.
Tests conducted in conjunction with Johnson and Johnson have shown the drug to be easily absorbed with minimal side effects. It also can be taken in one pill, in contrast to the drug cocktails currently taken by many AIDS patients.
“This could be it,” Stephen Smith, the head of the department of infectious diseases at Saint Michael's Medical Center in Newark, said. “We're all looking for the next class of drugs.”
A research team led by Rutgers chemist Eddy Arnold pre-published details of the most promising of the three drugs, known as R278474, last month in the electronic edition of the Journal of Medicinal Chemistry. Full details will be published in the journal in early 2005.
Dr. Arnold, 47, has worked at dismantling the AIDS virus over the last 20 years. He uses X-ray crystallography, a technique to determine the structure of molecules, the smallest particles that can retain all the characteristics of an element or compound.
The research has targeted reverse transcriptase, a submiscroscopic protein composed of two coiled chains of amino acids. It is considered HIV's key protein.
“Reverse transcriptase is very important in the biology of AIDS,” Dr. Smith said. “If you can really inhibit reverse transcriptase, you can stop AIDS.”
The optimism about R278474 stems from its potential to interfere with an enzyme that the virus needs to copy and insert itself into a human cell.
“We're onto something very, very special,” Dr. Arnold said.
2004-12-13
Why is it...
China 'Detains' More Dissidents
EIJING, Dec. 13 - The Chinese police on Monday afternoon detained three leading intellectuals who have been critical of the government, apparently stepping up a campaign to silence public dissent.
Yu Jie and Liu Xiaobo, literary figures, and Zhang Zuhua, a political theorist, were detained in raids at their homes. Mr. Yu is suspected of "participating in activities harmful to the state," said his wife, Liu Min.
The detentions were the latest in a string of arrests and official harassment of journalists, writers and scholars who have spoken out against government policies or written articles or essays that officials have deemed damaging.
Jiao Guobiao, a journalism professor at Beijing University, wrote a scathing criticism of the Propaganda Department earlier this year. He was recently stripped of his teaching responsibilities. Wang Guangze, an editor at the state-run 21st Century Business Herald, was fired. He'd just returned from a speaking in the
In September, the authorities also arrested Zhao Yan, a well-known local journalist who worked as an employee of the New York Times bureau in Beijing, on charges of providing state secrets to foreigners. Some of Mr. Zhao's friends say they believe that State Security officials are seeking to tie Mr. Zhao to an article published in The Times that reported an offer by Mr. Jiang to retire two weeks before the leadership change was announced.
"The steps the authorities have taken are not by coincidence," said an editor at a major state-run newspaper who asked not to be identified. "This is a new era, but right now we're moving backward."
Since President Hu Jintao replaced Jiang Zemin as 
The crackdown could signal an effort by Mr. Hu to dispel hopes - already greatly diminished - that he would usher in a period of relative political relaxation when he consolidated power. Instead, there are signs that he is seeking to manage state affairs in a more hands-on and less permissive style than that associated with Mr. Jiang, who in his later years focused on carrying out broad economic changes while allowing a degree of media openness.
In somewhat related news, IBM set to go ahead with the sale of its personal computer business to the Lenovo Group, China's biggest computer manufacturer.
To Sum Up a Day...
Former dictator Pinochet is going to stand trial for kidnapping nine dissidents and killing one of them.
There are quite a few blogging bits on the web today including The Alpha Bloggers and nominations for various blog awards can be voted on now. The Washington Post has an article on better blogging and there is a suggested Google Alphabet. Shanti Bradford wants everyone to link to her. Michael Moore has started a blog.
There is an annual meteor shower that will make an appearance this evening. I shall brave the bitter vold in order to take very bad photos. UPDATE: I went outside, suitably bundled up, and there was complete and utter cloud cover. I stood for about ten minutes, waiting to see if it would break. No. It did not. It began to snow just a wee bit as if to say, "Fie on you, you occasional astronomer!" I went inside, pouted for half a minute and got over it.
Ursula Le Guin's EARTHSEA is going to appear on SciFi and I honestly am afeared of how bad they will trash my favorite childhood series.
Star Jone's tops PETA's Worst Dressed List. A man had a 2 1-8 inch nail shot into his chest as friend handed him a nail gun.
And, a rare copy of the Scarlet Letter is up for sale.
A Feast Fit for Giants
How much tapioca can a herd of wild elephants eat?
As much as they want to.
A tapioca delivery truck had blown a tire Sunday night, and the driver, Somkuan Sirisat, went for help. But when he returned, he found five or six elephants at his truck, devouring its contents, according to local television station ITV.
"When I came back, I saw them all surrounding my truck," he said. "I was too afraid to go toward the truck." The elephants were caught on tape milling around the truck, one of them using its trunks to shake off a tarp it had removed from the vehicle. Police said the incident happened in the Ta Takiab district of Chachoengsao province, 20 miles east of Bangkok. Footage also showed signs in the area that warn drivers to be careful of wild elephants and not to feed them. Another sign read, "Beware of foraging wild elephants at night."
Bad Sex Award!
Judges said the book's sex scenes were "ghastly ... inept ..(and) unrealistic."
The Bad Sex prize, in its 12th year, is intended to "draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel," its judges say.
What an odd task... and what is the criteria? What expressions must these judges make whilst judging! And do they take notes? And lastly, on a personal level, I would much rather be crude than perfunctory or (gasp!) inept.
More Than One Star Shining in Bethlehem
By Chris Millar And Bo Wilson, Evening Standard
13 December 2004 The controversial waxwork Nativity scene depicting David and Victoria Beckham as Joseph and Mary has been wrecked in an attack.
Wax models of the stars, worth £50,000 each, suffered "extensive damage" when a young man attacked the display at Madame Tussauds. The exhibit, which caused uproar after church leaders called it blasphemous, has now been removed only days after it was unveiled.
The attacker waited until other visitors had left the area and charged at the figures, kicking and punching them in a frenzied attack. The face on the Victoria model was damaged most but her husband's was also severely crushed before the man fled into the street.
The other seven waxworks in the display, which include Hugh Grant, Samuel L Jackson and Graham Norton as shepherds and Kylie Minogue as an angel on all fours, were not damaged.
The scene, which also featured Tony Blair, the Duke of Edinburgh and President George Bush as the three wise men, was condemned by church leaders when unveiled last Thursday.
The Beckhams were also said to be furious and said they had not given permission for their waxworks to be used in such a way.
It is now thought the Nativity scene will be replaced by another display featuring the England football captain and his wife.
The attack has some similarities to the decapitation of a statue of Baroness Thatcher in 2002.
Thanks to the apparently bored Dianne for this bit 'o fun.2004-12-12
I Had One. Didn't you?
"This finding is fascinating in that it goes against so many theories of middle childhood, such as those proposed by Sigmund Freud and Jean Piaget. Having an imaginary companion is normal for school-age children," said Stephanie Carlson, a UW assistant psychology professor.
Marjorie Taylor, a psychology professor at the University of Oregon, and Carlson are the lead authors of the study published in the current issue of the journal Developmental PsychologyImaginary companions described by the children came in a fantastic variety of guises, including invisible boys and girls, a squirrel, a panther, a dog, a seven-inch-tall elephant and a "100-year-old" G.I. Joe doll. While 52% of the imaginary companions that preschoolers played with were based on props such as special toys, 67% of those created by school-age children were invisible, according to Carlson.
The study also showed that:* While preschool girls were more likely to have an imaginary companion, by age 7 boys were just as likely as girls to have one.
* 27 percent of the children described an imaginary friend that their parents did not know about.
* 57 percent of the imaginary companions of school-age youngsters were humans and 41 percent were animals. One companion was a human capable of transforming herself into any animal the child wanted.
* Not all imaginary companions are friendly. A number were quite uncontrollable and some were a nuisance.
I had my own imaginary friend, Jennifer Fields, from about the age of 5 until 7, when we moved away from where I decided she lived. She was invisible to everyone but me and I liked it that way. In a house full of people, it was good to have something that was all mine. Physically I based her on a painting, Girl with Watering Can, by Pierre-Auguste Renoir. 
I sang songs with her (we spent a lot of time on the swing set out back, singing to the moon) and she held my hand when I had nightmares. And that makes me normal.
When we moved, I was overcome with a fear of bigfoot that stayed with me until my twenties. I'll save that for another time. 
I'm not sure what that makes me.
Chastity for Christmas
Is Target on target?
Canada imports foreign strippers
Canada has several programs aimed at recruiting foreign workers with specialties sorely needed in the country. Here are some of the workers that were imported last year:
Construction workers: 19,000
Nannies: 5,000
University professors: 1,560
Exotic dancers:661
Um... don't they remember the visa revoking hullabaloo just over a week ago? Canada blows so hot and cold. Fickle country!
Brush your Teeth!
Camp Concentration
CAMP CONCENTRATION by Thomas M. Disch
Disch is a sci-fi favorite of many and one that literary snobs have been known into include in the inner circle of genre decimating brilliance. If one were bored and meticulous, one might find touches of mystery, supernatural, sci fi, fantasy and sociological thriller in his works. He's also a prolific critic and book reviewer for periodicals such as The Times Literary Supplement, The New York Times, Washington Post Book World, Playboy, The Atlantic, The Nation, Hudson Review, and Poetry. In his spare time, he publishes an incessant stream of short fiction in genre and literary magazines. As "Tom" Disch he's produced over 500 poems that offer much in the way of wit and delightful formalism; not to mention the acclaim brought by his children's books like The Brave Little Toaster and A Child's Garden of Grammar. I found him to be a damn good read.
CAMP CONCENTRATION has the reader diving right into the life of Louis Sacchette, a poet imprisoned for draft resistance in a war an alternate history taking place in the early '70's, United States. America has declared war on everybody and is willing to won at any cost. Sacchette has been slipped a pen and paper by a sympathetic guard and begins a journal of his now three month experience in prison. He writes, "This is my journal. I can be candid here. Candidly, I am miserable."
His cellmates, a Mafia petit bourgeois and a constantly bickering male couple, are like Chinese water torture. His life, plucked from that of a mediocre published poet to dissident, is a slow and endless misery. Until he's taken to Camp Archimedes.
Here, Sacchette meets up with an old school mate and begins his slow decent into pathogenic hell. For Camp Archimedes is government run and its prisoners are guinea pigs for the latest government experiment. Prisoners are given a drug derived from syphilis spirochete. Their intelligence increases dramatically, and they find a new life in scientific experiment and philosophical discussion. But the drug has a nasty side effect. Death. Most prisoners live only 9 months after injection.
And it is Sacchetti's unfortunate position to be the observer of the suffering, exasperation and death of these men at the hands of a government that puts world domination over the worth of human life.
This book broke a reading dry spell unlike any I've suffered from before. Disch is fully in character with his first person journal narration. This P.O.V. is perfect. It puts the reader in Sacchetti's mind as all is slowly revealed yet distances the reader enough to intellectually observe the goings on as Sacchetti does. With all of it's intentional pretention a la Sacchetti, and with Disch's engaging and allegorical prose, in the end I experienced the book as a thriller. It wasn't until I turned the last page that all was revealed and a day later I am still processing it.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
