This is when most men would buy flowers or some expensive trinket - unless they go out with me which means its time for bad poetry or a cheesy song.
There were loud screams.
Then the man stepped out of his room with a bloody homage to his fidelity. His wife rushed him to hospital where he is recovering after surgery to reattach his penis.
I think the success of The Osbournes as a TV show is an indictment of the soullessness of mankind.
If you want to get a sensual thunderbolt then you have got to be cocked, locked and ready to rock, doc. I find that whole milk and lots of Vitamin D help.
Mankind: A quality of life upgrade is available to each and every one of you. It should give you a quality of life upgrade, which means no drugs, no alcohol, no fast food - unless, of course, it's a mallard.
There are hundreds of millions of gun owners in this country, and not one of them will have an accident today. The only misuse of guns comes in environments where there are drugs, alcohol, bad parents, and undisciplined children. Period.
Vegetarians are cool. All I eat are vegetarians - except for the occasional mountain lion steak.
Do you want to feel good, or do you want to do good?
You know you've found yourself saying it after you've seen a tortilla, a wall, a tree, a waffle, toast, a pancake or a passing cloud.
Well, gardener Martin Gregory was pulling up his asparagus fern plant when he saw the photo to the left.
Personally, I think re-potting should have occurred to Mr. Gregory earlier - like, before the entire face shapped container was filled with root.
Want your own, personal Jesus? Get a Jesus Pan!
And Have a Good Day!
*click the penis to change images
What happens when you build your biceps up to 28 inches? Let GregValentino, the "most hated man in bodybuilding" tell you. He could curl 300 pounds. Then his biceps popped (youtube).
TB: You can say all you want that you've got no synthol in there, but aren't you worried that one day you might have to get your arms amputated?
GV: Then I'd be a real freak, right?
TB: Would you be willing to go to the doctor and get this verified?
GV: Sure, if the right amount of money is put up. I'm not talking a thousand dollars either. Let's put up some money and then I'll do it. I have a hole in my right arm from a steroid abscess. An emergency room doctor went to lance it and he cut half the muscle with his scalpel. Dr. Nadler said I have a lot of scar tissue in there and the only way to repair it is to sort of spackle it with a plug. He's going to open me up and plug the hole. Muscular Development is going to cover it all.
TB: What if he opens you up and oil spills out everywhere?
GV: That ain't going to happen. Nadler has felt my arms. He knows they're real. Yes, they got some scar tissue. But that's it. I don't care who believes me. Why don't people say shit about the pros who are on stage? I'm not competing. Why am I such a threat? Isn't the pro onstage using synthol, escline, blood doping, doing all kinds of shit, aren't they the ones people should be going after? You got all kinds of shit going on on that pro stage: guys got implants in their calves and pecs.
They get their abs etched out through fat suction, yet you fools talk shit about me! They are competing! I ain't. They are cheating. I'm just living my life, chasin' bush. I know pros who got pec lifts for Christ's sake. I got fat nuts in my ball sack.
That's how many reviews I need to write .
That's how many rooms I'm set to paint.
That's how many angry ants covered my arm when I tried to dispense some cedar mulch over a new plant bed from a bag that had been sitting open for a few days. They were a little angry. There were many angry ant bites. Now I have many angry ant swellings on my arm which is itchy as hell.
That's how many hours I devoted to watching the first season of The Wire with my mom. She applauded after the scene from "Old Cases" in which Bunk and McNulty visit and old murder scene and communicate there findings to each other via many intonations of the word "fuck." Brilliant. And, it will be included in "Fuck Noir" as will a story by David Bowker he handed in over the weekend. It was well worth waiting for...
That's how many minutes I waited in the crashing humid, ninety degree heat laden with moisture before turning on the air conditioner became the most important thing I would do today.
Get this; Bush says he made a mistake! "I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner, you know. "Wanted, dead or alive"; that kind of talk. I think in certain parts of the world it was misinterpreted," he said. Hey, it's a start. Blair admits he fucked up, too. Together, the make a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
The Guardian has reported that more people voted for the American Idol than have voted in any presidential election, ever. Is anyone in marginally surprised by this?
The Rayburn building at the heart of the all those upset congress folks is in the center of another Washington D.C. event; shots have been fired and the building is closed. Note that there is a firing range in the basement of the building. Says a swifty at the scene:
"They want us to stay in our offices and I'm perfectly happy to do that but I don't feel endangered," said Gene Smith, chief of staff to Rep. Howard Berman, D-Calif. "They said they heard gunfire in the Rayburn garage but this is a huge building, I'm guessing it's a car backfiring or balloons popping."This guy has led a sheltered life. Gunfire or balloons popping? Hmmmm.....
UPDATE: It was an air hammer. An air hammer. Not balloons.
David Lee Roth is again saying his return to Van Halen in "an inevitability." "To me, it's not rocket surgery. It's very simple to put together. And as far as hurt feelings and water under the dam, like what's-her-name says to what's-her-name at the end of the movie 'Chicago' -- 'So what? It's showbiz!' So I definitely see it happening." I reach for the term asshat once again. Or how about dumbass? The word ass has to be included somewhere.
We carry our towels, white and fluffy, red and plush, teal and monogrammed (or any damn towel we can get our mitts on) to celebrate the life and works of one froodish dude, Douglas Adams* and the wondrous Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Why a towel? Well, obviously, if you can "hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is clearly a man to be reckoned with."
*also creator of the brilliant Dirk Gently and the Holistic Detective Agency
Anyway, Business Week has this fascinating article with the following opener:
"President George W. Bush has bestowed on his intelligence czar, John Negroponte, broad authority, in the name of national security, to excuse publicly traded companies from their usual accounting and securities-disclosure obligations. Notice of the development came in a brief entry in the Federal Register, dated May 5, 2006, that was opaque to the untrained eye."
The companies in question have to be working on Top Secret defense projects. Like those at Halliburton. Interesting, yes? This It is a power all presidents since Jimmy Carter have had. This is believed to be the first time this power has been granted. The timing is brilliant.
"The timing of Bush's move is intriguing. On the same day the President signed the memo, Porter Goss resigned as director of the Central Intelligence Agency amid criticism of ineffectiveness and poor morale at the agency. Only six days later, on May 11, USA Today reported that the National Security Agency had obtained millions of calling records of ordinary citizens provided by three major U.S. phone companies. Negroponte oversees both the CIA and NSA in his role as the administration's top intelligence official."
Of course, this gives me a lovely reason to post a cuteness buffer.
67-year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern town of Galati in Romania, man had his sleep disturbed by a noisy chicken. We all know what that's like. Frustrated and annoyed, he rushed out into his yard in his underwear ready to do battle.
Grabbed the chicken and he went in for the kill. Unfortunately for Mocanu, what he thought was the chicken's neck was his own penis. But wait, it gets worse.
"I confused it with the chicken's neck, Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati. “I cut it ... and the dog rushed and ate it."
On the lighter side, Mocanu may have a place to turn in his time of trouble.
Researcher Anthony Atala, MD, director of the Institute for Regenerative Medicine at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center, reported at this week’s annual meeting of the American Urological Association in Atlanta a break through of Trojann proportions.
He and his team have successfully grown a penis in their lab.
I have the attention span of a gnat.
I like chewing gum in a manner that produces sharp, semi-bubbles.
I tried apathy on for an hour and didn't like it.
I am static cling.
I can't wait.
It is said that there are as many recipes for this Korean dish as there are Koreans.
And it's popularity is growing. Soon, it will reach astral levels when it's packed into the provisions for astronauts.
"Koreans can't go anywhere without kimchi," said Byun Myung-woo, head of a team of scientists who developed a specially sterilized form of kimchi for astronauts.
The idea came about because taste and smell are greatly diminished in low-gravity conditions, giving astronauts a preference for strongly spiced foods. And astronauts often suffer from digestive problems.
"The kimchi will prevent constipation and enhance their digestive functions," Byun said.
Although many extole the health benefits, some say there is a darker side to this fermented pepper laden cabbage wonder meal.
But nothing can touch the love Koreans have for this food. Why, there's even a Kimchi Museum in Seoul!
Did you know that "in deep kimchi," is a euphemism for "in deep trouble?"
Look for a great kimchi recipe here.
* 1 head nappa cabbage
* 1/2 onion, thin sliced
* 1/4 carrot, thin julienne
* 1/4 radish, thin julienne
* 4 green onions, cut into 2 inches
* 2 tbsp minced garlic
* 1 tsp minced ginger
* 1/2 cup go choo ga roo (Korean chili powder)
* 2 tsp salt
* 1 tbsp sugar
* 1/2 cup sea salt (or any coarse salt)
* 1 cup water
* 1/4 cup jeot gal (Korean fish sauce)
* 1/3 cup water
* 1 tbsp flour
1. Quarter the nappa cabbage, wash and drain.
2. Mix 1/2 cup sea salt (or any coarse salt) and 1 cup water.
3. Put cabbages in a salted water and take out one at a time to get salt down.
4. In a container, add cabbages and pour salted water, set aside for at least 6-8 hours. (Overnight will be great.)
5. The cabbage should be soft enough to bend.
6. Wash, drain well.
7. In a small pan, add 1/3 cup water and 1 tbsp flour, mix well.
8. Put on a medium heat, stir with a whisk constantly until boils, turn off the heat, cool slightly.
9. To the flour mixture, add 1/2 cup go choo ga roo (Korean chili powder), 2 tsp salt, 1 tbsp sugar, 1/4 cup jeot gal (Korean fish sauce), 2 tbsp minced garlic, and 1 tsp minced ginger.
10. Mix in vegetables to the flour and chili powder mixture.
11. Take one cabbage, stuff in above mixture to an every layer. Try to fold in half
12. With 2 outer leaves, wrap the whole thing securely.
13. Put it in a air tight container.
14. Let it sit on a kitchen counter for overnight.
15. Put in a refrigerator for 2-3 days.
16. Serve with rice.
In two bearly related stories, a bear has been spotted in Germany for the first time since 1835. Authorities in the Bavarian Alps plan to find the bear, trap the bear, anaesthetise the bear, tag the bear and release the bear.
In the UK, PETA protestors are pissed about the Queen's guards wearing bear pelt hats.
Said PETA person Anita Singh: "People wanted to show how passionate they are about this cause. Sometimes drastic things call for drastic measures. The British government, which has outlawed fur farming, is perpetrating this. This wouldn't be allowed in Britain."
Fake fur has been suggested as an alternative but it has it's down sides.
Lieutenant Colonel Peter Dick-Peter said fake fur is far from fabulous.
"It looks like a 60's Beatle wig. It just doesn't look right and if the wind blows it sticks up. The rain soaks into the fibre and it ends up an extremely heavy piece of sodden material on somebody's head."
Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-La.) told investor Lori Mody. And they were. Mody was wired for sound.
Eighty-three pages covering fourteen months of investigation proves Democrats are just as greedy and just as dirty as Republicans. How greedy? $100,000 in $100 bills greedy. On film.
When the FBI raided Jefferson's home on August 3rd of last year, they found $90,000 in cash in the freezer, in $10,000 increments wrapped in aluminum foil and stuffed inside frozen-food containers. Budget Gourmet perhaps?
With the power of the affadavit on their side, agents raided Jefferson's Capitol Hill office Saturday night. Authorities said it was the first time the FBI had raided a sitting congressman's office. Jefferson's lawyer calls the charges "outrageous."
Volunteers were working diligently to clean up Britain's highest mountain, the 1,347-metre Ben Nevis in Scotland. As they neared the summit, bags full of ick, they discovered a pile of stones. Under the pile of stones - a piano.
"Our guys couldn't believe their eyes,"Hawkins said. "At first they thought it was just the wooden casing, but then they saw the whole cast-iron frame complete with strings. The only thing that was missing was the keyboard, and that's another mystery."
A cookie wrapper found underneath the piano had an expiry date of Dec. 12, 1986, suggesting the paino may have been there for 20 years.
Hawkins said he suspected the piano was carried up as part of a charity fundraising effort by a group who decided it was easier to bury it under a pile of stones, or cairn, than to carry it back down.
The piano was smashed to bits then carried down the pieces.
In other piano related news, piano tuner Benjamin Treuhaft has defied the US government and sent 237 pianos to Cuba. They were sent to replace Soviet era pianos ruined by humidity and termites.
"There was a horrible situation for pianos. The climate, the conditions, the blockade against commerce and parts," he said.
Treuhaft has been penalized for visiting Cuba in the past. He was fined $3,500 in the mid-1990's. He refused to pay.
But the Bush administration wags a mightier finger. In March of 2004, Treuhaft received a warning from the Treasury Department letting the intrepid piano man know that he faced criminal penalties of up to 10 years in prison and $1 million in fines if he went ahead with a plan to set up a copper bass string factory in Cuba.
Treuhaft does not care. He plans to call the factory the Helms-Treuhaft Piano Bass String Company, in reference to former Republican Senator Jesse Helms who sponsored a 1996 law strengthening the embargo.
"This is a holiday trip. I like to tune pianos on my holidays," Treuhaft said.
He believes pianos are not a threat to U.S. national security even if played in Cuba.
Neither are kittens.
Or a good, hearty stew.