Human Under Construction

2008-07-20

"I rather like the idea of ending my days drinking myself to death on a mountainside in Mexico." - Ballard

"Writing a novel is one of those modern rites of passage, I think, that lead us from an innocent world of contentment, drunkenness, and good humor, to a state of chronic edginess and the perpetual scanning of bank statements. By the eighteenth book, one has a sense of having bricked oneself into a niche, a roosting place for other people's pigeons. I wouldn't recommend it."

"I don't know why I ended up here, really... " Ballard comments, "Actually, the suburbs are far more sinister places than most city dwellers imagine. Their very blandness forces the imagination into new areas. I mean, one's got to get up in the morning thinking of a deviant act, merely to make certain of one's freedom. It needn't be much; kicking the dog will do."

Now, that old chestnut: Do you have any advice for young writers?

"A lifetime's experience urges me to utter a warning cry: do anything else, take someone's golden retriever for a walk, run away with a saxophone player. Perhaps what's wrong with being a writer is that one can't even say "good luck"- luck plays no part in the writing of a novel. No happy accidents as with the paint pot or chisel. I don't think you can say anything, really. I've always wanted to juggle and ride a unicycle, but I dare say if I ever asked the advice of an acrobat he would say, "All you do is get on and start pedaling.""

Interview with J.G. Ballard, Paris Review, 1984

Photo from Guardian montage on Writer's Rooms

Attack of the Killer Puppy!

2008-07-19

Bath Time

2008-07-18

Balloon Tax

The world's most expensive places to have sex rated by tax on the condom:

The Customer is Not Always Right

From Tech Hell

Me: “Can I help you?”

Caller: “My car won’t start.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “My car won’t start. It ran fine earlier but since I’ve visited your site it won’t turn over.”

Me: “Uh… is your computer attached to your car? Draining the battery?”

Caller: “No, the computer is in the house.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how visiting a web site, let alone ours, could affect the operation of your car.”

Caller: “I thought this was tech support?”

Me: “That’s correct. We are not car mechanics, however.”

Caller: “Look, I hear about web sites hacking into people’s lives all the time. I see no reason why they couldn’t hack cars or anything else they wanted.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Caller: “No! My car worked fine earlier! I went to your site and now it won’t start. Why are you hacking me?!”

Me: “We aren’t. You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

Caller: ”F*** YOU! GET OUT OF MY CAR, YOU–”

Me: *click*
To read more stories of customer idiocy, click here.

As Rats Laugh

2008-07-17

Kids Say the Damnedest Things

and:

and, unrelated:

2008-07-16

Give Us a Kiss

2008-07-15

Muppet = Celebrity

2008-07-13

Gifts for the Previously Ungiftable

Inflatable Bondage Chair

Magic Answer Me Jesus

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit (3 in one case)

Five-Pound Fat Replica Demonstration Model (can be paired with the Five Pound Lean Muscle Model)

Hand-Blown Glass Taco Ornament

Playmobil Security Check Point (may be paired with the Playmobil Safe Crackers)

Acupuncture Pig Model

Dr. Riters ErgoChair

Knitting With Dog Hair

Slingshot Flying Monkey

The Fart Pen

Monogrammed Toilet Paper

Tattoos for Babies

Brain Jello Mold

She-Crab Soup

Porta-Cut Whip Maker

How do you like your weiners?

2008-07-12

Dedication

2008-07-11

The Grass is Greener at the Other Golf Course

Lush and fertile fairways have been reduced to baked brown dust after the groundsman sprayed them with a chemical usually used to destroy grass growing through pavements and roads. Whoops.