Ha! Bill Owes Everyone Dinner!

"I will bet you the best dinner in the gaslight district of San Diego that military action will not last more than a week. Are you willing to take that wager?"
(Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 1/29/03)


"It won't take weeks. You know that, professor. Our military machine will crush Iraq in a matter of days and there's no question that it will."
(Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 2/10/03)


"There's no way. There's absolutely no way. They may bomb for a matter of weeks, try to soften them up as they did in Afghanistan. But once the United States and Britain unleash, it's maybe hours. They're going to fold like that."
(Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 2/10/03)

This is all quite ironic when taking today's airstike into consideration.

Fetching!

The "come hither" glance really adds to the enticement.*

*BTW, you can all blame Dianne for this one.

If I Seem A Little Distracted

I am. By five of the above.

I am happy to report, though, that I will leave my post as kitty cooer and mommy feeder to take the latest issue of CrimeSpree to be mailed all over the world.

This issue features T. Jefferson Parker on the cover, an interview with Scott Wolven by the irreplaceable Bryon Quertermous and a story (Load) by the same. Add to the mix a conversation between Francis Fyfield and cutie John Connolly, an interview with Matthew Reilly (did you know he loves to golf?), Simon Green and Henry Kisor, J.A. Konrath on 'Cozies or Hardboiled? How to tell the Difference', an article by the beloved Anthony Neil Smith and one by Julia Spencer-Fleming plus more stuff my weather addled brain has forgotten to mention and I believe this to be a well-packed magazine.

You're welcome for my pithy example of a run on sentence.

I am off in search of caffeine and truck keys. May I get home before the snow (up to six inches) hits.

I should mention

I saw a robin, harbinger of spring, yesterday.

I stopped the truck, rolled down the window and said, "Dude! What the hell are you doing here? It's going to snow like it's Siberia on Thursday. Ya dumbass!"

Said robin looked up briefly from pecking at the frozen ground for frozen worms and flipped me the bird.

"It's your ass, birdbrain!"

Just trying to help out, feathered fuckwit. The attitude on that bird. Geez!

The Banana That Got Away

Surprise, Indeed

The Frisky Mullet

Note the lack of leg hair. Coincidence? I think not!

Turn the Page

"I'm about ready to roll," said he 82-year-old Bettie Page in a Southern drawl, freshening her bright red lipstick. "But I'm going to go slow. I won't squiggle if I write slow."

CMG Worldwide, the company that markets her image, organized an event at its Sunset Boulevard penthouse offices that had Page's autographing as many prints as possible. With a film of her life debuting in April and sales of her image more popular that ever, it's fantastic to see Page actually earning money from her iconic image.

I don't need to guess why men love to look at her. As a woman, I see an unashamed woman, a beautiful woman, who is a survivor and the creator behind almost of the skimpy outfits you see her wear. And damn do I envy those legs!

"I made all of my bikinis and most of my lingerie," she said. "My favorite was my first bikini. It was green with a little rickrack all around it."

These days Page spends most days reading the Bible, listening to Christian music and country tunes, watching oaters on television and catching up on the latest diet plans and exercise regimes.

Click here to get Bettie magnets for your fridge! There are even stranger objects out there sporting her image.

Labor Day

Starting at 5 yesterday, a young female charge of this household began giving birth.

It wasn't me.

Young Sookie, a beautiful tabby taken off the streets a week ago, gave birth to five black, white and tan yappers who have kept up a stream of complaining "wwweeeeeeeee" sounds when ever they're seperated from mommy's nipple. After the fourth rapid birth, poor Sookie had a breech baby she was unable to pass and went in to the emergency vet for a c-section that cost about $1400. The baby in the canal was malformed and died. The baby stuck right after it lived after a night of suckling.

Mommy is tired. So tired I've had to force feed her. She's dragged herself away from the squalling, writhing mass of kittens a few times with one invariably still holding onto her.

At times, everyone is on a nipple suckling away. Mommy purrs then heads off to sleep. The quiet can last a whole twenty minutes sometimes. Then the "wwweeeeeee" begins again. They're tiny, smaller than a palmful, and they're already growling and fighting fiercely over feeding stations.

OK, This is Getting Ridiculous

From the company * that brought you black toilet paper comes a new product for all those passionate about their asswipe.

Red toilet paper.

"It is a red that makes a huge impact, like a Ferrari," blurted Renova international brand manager Jose Manuel Pinheiro.

A company statement said the new shade of toilet paper would "target the most hip points in town," adding that red "is the colour of our hearts, of passion, lust, fury, laughter, anger, love, fire."

The prime targets of the black paper handkerchiefs are "pop stars, fashion models, football players, film producers or Hollywood actors," which had me laughing my proverbial ass off.

Passion and toilet paper. Only in France.



*They also have a whole section titled Women Care that is strangely empty.

Animals In Your Face!

Sayin' It Like It Is

Ya gotta love T-Shirt Hell.

You're About to be Made

In celebration of the return of The Sopranos on Sunday night, let go and let the Mafia Name Generator redub you.

My name is:

Ol' Luisa Bitchtits

Oooo Oooo, That Smell

The rotting, stinky, leaky carcass of a 48ft sperm whale has been stranded in the Hebrides of Scotland. It is wedged ever so tightly in a cleft and is proving difficult to drag as the large boulders (or small mountains) are more than a trifle stationary. And it could prove rather expensive at over £5,000.

Experts, at what we're not sure, are set to fly to Harris to carry out a post-mortem examination of the body.

Angus Nicolson, the local authority's environmental chairman (and don't you have one, too?) said: "It is the council's responsibility to dispose of the carcass. We may have to blow it up if it is physically impossible to get close in to lift it."

Ew.

Name that Dance

Fuck. I'm laughing at Garfield.

Clean-up on Lane 1&2

Milwaukee County.

Annoyed motorists heading northbound on I-43 Thursday evening were already contending with the usual three lanes down to two insanity featuring asshole drivers trying to merge in at the very last second when something decidedly icky happened.

Around 5:30 p.m., a truck from the Shire Transport Company lost a tarp covering its load. This load then flew out of the truck and on to the pavement and any cars in the vicinity.

The load?

Pig entrails. The driver, on his way to Green Bay from Mt. Morris, Illinois, didn't even know he had 'lost his load' until authorities caught up with him nearly an hour later.

A hazmat team was called in to help clean up the mess -- a mess that kept two lanes of traffic closed for nearly four hours. They were able to clean it all up using a salt and oil dry combination.

Ew.

The Song in my Head Today...

[On the CB]

Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c'mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Pig Pen, fer shure, fer shure. By golly, it's clean clear to Flag Town, c'mon. Yeah, that's a big 10-4 there, Pig Pen, yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy. Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy...

Was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June

In a Kenworth pullin' logs

Cab-over Pete with a reefer on

And a Jimmy haulin' hogs

We is headin' for bear on I-one-oh

'Bout a mile outta Shaky Town

I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck.

"And I'm about to put the hammer down."

[Chorus]

'Cause we got a little convoy

Rockin' through the night.

Yeah, we got a little convoy,

Ain't she a beautiful sight?

Come on and join our convoy

Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.

We gonna roll this truckin' convoy

'Cross the U-S-A.

Convoy!

[On the CB]

Ah, breaker, Pig Pen, this here's the Duck. And, you wanna back off them hogs? Yeah, 10-4, 'bout five mile or so. Ten, roger. Them hogs is gettin' in-tense up here.

By the time we got into Tulsa Town,

We had eighty-five trucks in all.

But they's a roadblock up on the cloverleaf,

And them bears was wall-to-wall.

Yeah, them smokies is thick as bugs on a bumper;

They even had a bear in the air!

I says, "Callin' all trucks, this here's the Duck.

"We about to go a-huntin' bear."

[Chorus]

'Cause we got a great big convoy

Rockin' through the night.

Yeah, we got a great big convoy,

Ain't she a beautiful sight?

Come on and join our convoy

Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.

We gonna roll this truckin' convoy

'Cross the U-S-A.

Convoy!

[On the CB]

Ah, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that, Pig Pen? Negatory, Pig Pen; you're still too close. Yeah, them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses. Mercy sakes, you better back off another ten.

Well, we rolled up Interstate 44

Like a rocket sled on rails.

We tore up all of our swindle sheets,

And left 'em settin' on the scales.

By the time we hit that Chi-town,

Them bears was a-gettin' smart:

They'd brought up some reinforcements

From the Illinoise National Guard.

There's armored cars, and tanks, and jeeps,

And rigs of ev'ry size.

Yeah, them chicken coops was full'a bears

And choppers filled the skies.

Well, we shot the line and we went for broke

With a thousand screamin' trucks

An' eleven long-haired Friends a' Jesus

In a chartreuse micra-bus.

[On the CB]

Ah, Rubber Duck to Sodbuster, come over. Yeah, 10-4, Sodbuster? Lissen, you wanna put that micra-bus right behind that suicide jockey? Yeah, he's haulin' dynamite, and he needs all the help he can get.

Well, we laid a strip for the Jersey shore

And prepared to cross the line

I could see the bridge was lined with bears

But I didn't have a dog-goned dime.

I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck.

"We just ain't a-gonna pay no toll."

So we crashed the gate doing ninety-eight

I says "Let them truckers roll, 10-4."

[Chorus]

'Cause we got a mighty convoy

Rockin' through the night.

Yeah, we got a mighty convoy,

Ain't she a beautiful sight?

Come on and join our convoy

Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.

We gonna roll this truckin' convoy

'Cross the U-S-A.

Convoy! Ah, 10-4, Pig Pen, what's your twenty?

Convoy! OMAHA? Well, they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there fer shure. Well, mercy

Convoy! sakes, good buddy, we gonna back on outta here, so keep the bugs off your glass and the bears off your...

Convoy! tail. We'll catch you on the flip-flop. This here's the Rubber Duck on the side.

Convoy! We gone. 'Bye,'bye.

CW McCall

Hairy Lobsters; Superfreaks

Kiwa hirsuta. A species so distinct scientists have created a new taxonomic family for it.

Rubber Plants

"I wanted to do my part as a concerned law-abiding citizen by removing the beautiful blue rubbers from the parking lot, but I was unsure what to do with them because they represent a biohazard waste product that should be properly disposed of.

"So to help you and your hazardous waste team out, I stuck each of them with a stick and planted them on Driftwood Drive in front of the welcome sign to the Yacht Club. There they hang tonight, flying in the breeze as a proud symbol of our freedom and the great traditions of Cape Coral. Much like our beloved flag."

So says Robert Payne, who lives next to the Cape Coral Yacht Club's overflow parking lot.

Making Up is Dumb to Do

Donna Maddock, 22 and pictured at right, has been fined £200 plus £55 costs after pleading guilty to careless driving. She also lost 6 points of her liscense.

All for putting on make-up as she drove.

Said aspokeswoman for North Wales Police: "You need to be in control at all times and Miss Maddock's actions beggars belief."

Roger Vincent, a spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, branded Ms Maddock "irresponsible".

"It is frightening to think what could have happened as she was driving along without her hands on the wheel particularly as this is such an accident blackspot."