"I'm going to be a little late..."

He Hasn't Seen His Feet in Years

A Mullet in the Sun

There's No Egg in There, Kid!

Further Horrifying Kitten Cuteness

Lessons Learned

House guests have headed home and life returns to a semblance of normal at the Jordan casa. I've learned some important things in the past week about having kids in the house:

1. The door will be opened and closed with enthusiasm at least twenty times an hour when the weather is nice.

2. Re-learn the habit of locking the bathroom door. Really. This is an important one.

3. Come to terms with the frequent use of the word why in all questions with "Why?" being the only word in the question consistently.

4. Chalk is better when it's wet.

5. When the sun comes up, so shall ye be up.

6. Life moves on.

Befuddled Mullet

Gone Away

I want him to stay.
I beg him to stay.

His soul is at the window,
Hanging on by fingertips.

Coaxed inside,
He lays in the bed.
It will get better, I say.
He doesn’t believe me.

I’m there after dusk.
He is there,
in the bed,
Awake, and angry and anxious.
What the hell, he asks.
A month gone from home,
Leaves gone green to dead.
What the hell.

I am there
in the morning haze.
He lays in the bed.
I ask him to smile.
He does.
He says her name.
He holds my hand.
OK.

I am there,
Standing in sun.
He lays in the bed.
He holds my hand tight,
Because I ask him to.
I look in his eyes.
I see him in there.
He can’t get out.

I am there,
in hallway light.
He lays in the bed.
His body is filled with fever.
Taking a cloth to his head,
I see his eyes,
Filled with questions, sorrow.
I hold his hand.

I am there,
but not there.
He lays in the bed.
His eyes are open,
But they don’t see me there.
He doesn’t know me,
Anymore.
I hold his hand.

Today when I see him,
Laying in the bed,
I will tell him to leave.
It’s OK,
It’s time for him
To find peace.

He is gone.

I hold his hand to
My wet cheek
And kiss him goodbye.



For my Dad, who is a part of the light that made us all.

Inanity!

Oh, there are sooooo many places to go if you're bored or avoiding a mundane task.

The newest little weirdo site: celebrities eating dot com! A tidbit from that site below.



In other news, a man was detained from his flight by British anti-terrorism authorities because he was singing! Was he really that bad? Did they fear for the sanity of his cabinmates? Were they taking him to a secret location where William Hung is waiting to have a sing-off? And, oddly, this is not the first time the Clash have been involved in a situation like this.

Stubbing your toes on a frequent basis as you head to the bathroom at night? Stub no more!

Learn how to make swell cocktails from Peeps!

Bad song in my head today, thanks to the hold music at my doctors office: ABC's (God, remember them?) Be Near Me. A crap song of infinite proportions. The lyrics are so abyssmal, I expect this song to be covered any second now.

The message is perfectly simple
The meaning is clear
Don't ever stray too far
And don't dissappear
Ever had the feeling, almost broke in two?
Never had that feeling like you do, You do?
All my dreams came true last night
All my hopes and fears
All my dreams came true once more
In tears, in tears
Be near me, be near, be near...
Never had that feeling until I first met you
Never felt like kneeling. Now I do. Yes I do.
Be near me, be near
What's your reputation? Ecstasy!
What's your destination? Next to me!

Let's finish with a nonsensical photo!

WARNING: Content produced by energy drink and granola bars containing almonds. Not repsonsible for furrowed brows, slapped foreheads or slack jaws. Spelling is a privilege, not a right.

Kissing Tile

People who have died in the bathroom:

• Agamemnon, distinguished hero of Greek mythology during the Trojan War, slain by his wife Clytemnestra alone in a bath, a piece of cloth or a net having first been thrown over him to prevent resistance.

• Seneca the Younger (ca. 4 BC – AD 65) committed suicide in his bath, according to Tacitus.
• Elagabalus, Emperor of Rome (203 - 222), murdered by the Praetorian Guard, along with his mother, Julia Soaemias, in the Emperor's latrine, where the pair had gone to hide
• Arius of Alexandria, founder of Arianism (256 - 336), died of a flux of his bowels, possibly as the result of poisoning
• Edmund Ironside, King of England (989 - 1016), allegedly stabbed in the bowels while using the toilet
• James I, King of Scotland (1394 - 1437), murdered while trying to flee through his bathroom into the sewers. A lady-in-waiting, Lady Catherine Douglas, attempted to keep the door closed to protect the King, but the killers smashed down the door and broke her arm.
• Uesugi Kenshin, Japanese warlord (1530 - 1578), allegedly died while sitting on the toilet
• Henry III, King of France (1551 - 1589), murdered by a monk while leaving his toilet
• Arthur Capell, 1st Earl of Essex (1631 - 1683), committed suicide in the Tower of London while sitting on the toilet
• George II, King of Great Britain and Ireland (1683 - 1760), died of an aortic dissection while using his toilet.
• Jean-Paul Marat, French Revolutionary (1743 - 1793), stabbed to death by Charlotte Corday in his bathtub
• Reginald Heber, English bishop and hymn writer (1783 - 1826), died of an apoplectic fit while in his bath
• Sir John Sparrow David Thompson, Prime Minister of Canada (1845 - 1894), died of a heart attack in the bathtub while visiting with Queen Victoria at Windsor Castle
• Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, Founder of Ahmadiyya religious movement (1835 - 1908), allegdely died of cholera in Lahore in toilet
• The victims of George Joseph Smith, the "Brides in the Bath Murderer":
  • Beatrice Constance Annie, died 1912
  • Alice Burnham, died 1912
  • Margaret Elizabeth Lofty, died 1914
• Lupe Vélez, Mexican actress (1908 - 1944), committed suicide with Seconal, found dead on the floor of her bathroom
• Maria Montez, Dominican actress (1912 - 1951), drowned in her bathtub after presumably suffering a heart attack
• Tod Browning, American film director (1880 - 1962), died on the floor of friends' bathroom after having had surgery for throat cancer
• Dorothy Dandridge, American actress (1922 - 1965), of an overdose of Imipramine, in the bathroom of her apartment in New York City
• Lenny Bruce, American comedian (1925 - 1966), died of a morphine overdose in the bathroom of his home in Beverly Hills, California
• Evelyn Waugh, English writer (1903 - 1966), died while sitting on the toilet
• Vivien Leigh, British actress, (1913 - 1967), of tuberculosis, found dead on the floor of her bathroom
• Charles Chaplin Jr., American actor (1925 - 1968), died of a brain embolism on the floor of his grandmother's bathroom
• Albert Dekker, American character actor, (1905 - 1968), of auto-asphyxiation in his bathtub
• Thomas Merton, American Trappist monk and author (1915 – 1968), died by being accidentally electrocuted in his bathtub in a hotel in Bangkok.
• Judy Garland, American actress and singer (1922 - 1969), died of a drug overdose in the bathroom of her London house
• Jim Morrison, American singer (1943 - 1971), died in the bathtub of his hotel in Paris, of a heart attack
• Louis Kahn, Estonian-American architect (1901 - 1974), died of a heart attack in the bathroom of Pennsylvania Station in New York City
• Elvis Presley, American singer (1935 - 1977), died of a heart attack in the bathroom of his home, Graceland, in Memphis, Tennessee
• Claude François, French singer (1939 - 1978), died of electrocution from changing a light bulb while taking a bath.
• Nancy Spungen, girlfriend of Sid Vicious (1958 - 1978), died of stab wounds to the stomach
• Walter Martin, American Evangelical minister, (1928 - 1989), died of a stroke while on the toilet.
• Jack Nance, American actor, (1943 - 1996), died of blunt force trauma to the head, two days after being involved in a brawl, found dead on the floor of his bathroom
• Don Simpson, American film producer (1943 - 1996), died of a heart attack on the toilet
• Edmond Safra, international banker (1932- 1999), died in the bathroom of his penthouse apartment in Monte Carlo, Monaco, during a fire
• Robert Pastorelli, American actor (1954 - 2004), alleged to have been found on the floor of his bathroom, of a heroin overdose
• Domino Harvey, fashion model turned bounty hunter (1969 - 2005), daughter of actor Lawrence Harvey, found dead in her bathtub from an overdose of fentanyl
• Eddie Guerrero, professional wrestler, (1967 - 2005), found dead in his hotel bathroom, while brushing his teeth, due to heart failure caused by previous years of steroid abuse.

The Cozy Writer

The Hard-boiled Writer

"Your life story would be called, 'When Bubble Wrap isn't Enough.'

Kami Andrews, star of such great films as 'Go Fuck Yerself,' 'Throatbangers 3' and who could forget, 'Riveted Rectums' has taken the time and trouble to come up with a list. A list that she describes thusly:

These are just goofy things I have heard from some of you favorite porn stars,
I have also said several of them myself!

Here are a few examples:

"Kiss me, I have morphine in my teeth."

"That actually feels really good, not like the other times when I was moaning. Then I was faking."

"There's no way she's gonna be at the booth in the morning she has a speed problem."
"Are you kidding, at least she'll be up, unlike the alkies."

"Ugly people shouldn't be able to handle food."

Once Upon a Time

"To the bemusement of the tourists and a third grade class shepherded by a portly teacher, the woman crouched naked near the fourteen-foot mammoth and urinated."

- The Program, Gregg Hurwitz

This, in my opinion, is one of the best first lines I've read. And every year, the best first line of that year of crime fiction novels is celebrated by the Ross Thomas First Line Award. Nominations are being accepted now at this link. Submit now, you crazy first line loving maniacs!

Homegrown Cuteness Buffer

"His conduct is vile and inexcusable."

Who's conduct?

Brian Doyle's, that's who's.

This Department of Homeland Security deputy press secretary was arrested tonight, April 3, for using a computer to seduce a child.

The fifty-five year-old man fell for an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl. The Polk County Sheriff's record of their chats indicate that Doyle knew the 'girl' was 14 and readily admitted to being a U.S. Department of Homeland Security worker, going so far as giving the 'girl' his office phone number and government issued cell number. He sent hard core porn movie clips and had graphicallu sexual chats with 'her' via AOL Instant Messenger. It gets ickier. Link here.

Capers to Die For

No, I'm not talkin' cozies. I am talking about the one thing always found in my refrigerator: capers.

For those who might be furrowing their brows in confusion, capers (Capparis spinosa) are a wondrous culinary item brought to us from a flowering shrub found in the Mediterranean region. It's known for its edible buds and fruit.

The buds are harvested in the morning immediately before flowering; they are never dried but pickled in oil, brine or vinegar. Less often, capers are preserved by packing in coarse salt. These must be rinsed before usage. And I mean that most sincerely.

Smaller buds (nonpareilles and surfines, both with less than one centimeter diameter) are considered more valuable than the larger capucines and communes (more than 1.5 cm diameter).

Pickled caper fruits (French cornichon de câpres, in English also known as caper berries) are more rarely traded. Their flavour is very intensive, piquant, pungent and wonderful.

Medicinely, capers are said to reduce flatulence and to be anti-rheumatic in effect. In ayurvedeic medicine capers (Capers=Himsra) are recorded as hepatic stimulants and protectors, improving liver function. Capers have reported uses for arteriosclerosis, as diuretics, kidney disinfectants, vermifuges and tonics. Infusions and decoctions from caper root bark have been traditionally used for dropsy, anemia, arthritis and gout. Capers contain considerable amounts of the anti-oxidant bioflavinoid rutin.

I've included a recipe below and links to other recipe sites. I use capers with chicken, with olive oil over pasta and cook them up with my eggs in the morning.

Polenta with Artichoke-Caper Sauce

1 package of polenta mix or make your own (most cookbooks have recipes)
1 onion, chopped (or 1 bunch green onions, chopped)
1-2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
6 artichoke hearts, cut in half (they come frozen here, or you can get them
canned in water)
1 lb. passata (I used fresh roma tomatoes, pureed them skins and all in the
cuisinart and then boiled them down. I didn't strain it because there are so
few seeds in the tomatoes and I like the extra fiber)
1 tablespoon capers
1 teaspoon fresh thyme
1 teaspoon fresh oregano
salt and pepper to taste
6 ounces fat free mozzarella - shredded or sliced
fat free parmesean

Make polenta (omit any fat they call for, it's not necessary) and pour into an 8x8 pan that has been sprayed with PAM. Set aside to cool down. "Saute" onion and garlic in a little water until soft. Add bell peppers, and artichoke hearts, and then pour over passata. Stir to blend.

Add capers, oregano and salt and pepper. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes. Turn the cooled polenta out onto a cutting board, and cut into bite-sized cubes. Put some of the cooked sauce on the bottom of a shallow baking dish. Place polenta cubes in a layer over the sauce, and then top with the mozzarella. Put the remaining sauce on top of the mozzarella layer and then sprinkle with some parmesean. Bake at 375 for 35 minutes.

Gotta Dance!

Rulers of the City Skies

Captain Mullet and his Redneck Mobile

Where ever you find a a keg in need of tapping, a can in need of shooting,
an ass in need of slapping and squirrel that needs running over, you will find Captain Mullet.
He needs no cape as abundant arm pit hair flows behind him with a ripe aroma of
Old Spice and stale beer.
His special powers?
Apathy, slurring and machismo.

Just Chillin'

Deepest and sincerest apologies to those that have tried any form of communication with me of late. I've been busy, stressed and to stay sane have been quite the cave dweller. Sometimes life throws a lot at you at once. But I know that for all the bad, it will all be balanced with good. For all the pain, there will be joy.

Thank you to those that have been there for me despite my Garbo-esque stance that is turning around. Not that I'll spin all the way into Lindsey Lohan - fear not.

When life hands you lemons, put them in the fridge and take a warm, relaxing bath.