Human Under Construction: 2008-07

2008-07-31

Not Feeling Bad

In celebration of her 69th year on this earth, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. But she really changed the lyrics:

"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

via Bits and Pieces

New Fangled

2008-07-28

This Wonderful World of Ours

An ape expert named Ian Redmond made a discovery and is doing research that could solve a mystery plaguing the cryptzoology minded for many years: is the Yeti real?

Redmond has his hands on some hairs and is keen to prove their provenience.

"The hairs are the most positive evidence yet that a Yeti might possibly exist. It may be that the region this animal is inhabiting is remote enough for it to remain undiscovered so far."

The two hairs - 33mm and 44mm long - were found in a jungle in the mountains of north-east India five years ago. Yes. Five years. Huh.

More important than this is this picture:

Taken by the captain of a U.S. research ship the Nathaniel B. Palmer, while on expedition between Marguerite Bay and Palmer Station, Antarctica, it tells us an interesting tale.

"The picture is of an Antarctic minke whale taken from the bow of a ship," said AAD principal research scientist Dr Nick Gales. "The white bits in the photo are pieces of ice-floe, the stream of pinky colour behind the whale is a faecal plume - a.k.a. "poo" - the large circle in the water is indeed the physical eruption of the whale's flatulence."

Found on Neatorama...

Here are interesting things people found inside of books.

These are Basic Instructions for living life.

This is my dream vacation.

Urf.

A blog devoted to truly horrific English.

Dystopian Mullet

2008-07-27

Insert Cheesy 80's Hair Band Reference Here

White lion cubs born in Germany. Cuteness prevails.

HelloThere

2008-07-25

Urh?

What day is it?

July 25th?

Already?

Damn!

Bios and photos due for anyone on a panel at Bouchercon in Baltimore. I don't suppose they'd accept the pic to the right ->

I am jamming on the special edition of Crimespree that will be in the bags at afore mentioned event.

Still editing the next anthology, UNCAGED, which will be released upon the world from Bleak House Books in Spring of 2009.

And I need a good back rub.

And more caffiend.

And a big steak.

2008-07-24

Gary Spivey - Medium Healer

2008-07-23

Floppin'

2008-07-22

WTF Fashion

2008-07-21

A Whale of a Time

Ms Mullet

2008-07-20

Uh, ew.

On the Prowl

"I rather like the idea of ending my days drinking myself to death on a mountainside in Mexico." - Ballard

"Writing a novel is one of those modern rites of passage, I think, that lead us from an innocent world of contentment, drunkenness, and good humor, to a state of chronic edginess and the perpetual scanning of bank statements. By the eighteenth book, one has a sense of having bricked oneself into a niche, a roosting place for other people's pigeons. I wouldn't recommend it."

"I don't know why I ended up here, really... " Ballard comments, "Actually, the suburbs are far more sinister places than most city dwellers imagine. Their very blandness forces the imagination into new areas. I mean, one's got to get up in the morning thinking of a deviant act, merely to make certain of one's freedom. It needn't be much; kicking the dog will do."

Now, that old chestnut: Do you have any advice for young writers?

"A lifetime's experience urges me to utter a warning cry: do anything else, take someone's golden retriever for a walk, run away with a saxophone player. Perhaps what's wrong with being a writer is that one can't even say "good luck"- luck plays no part in the writing of a novel. No happy accidents as with the paint pot or chisel. I don't think you can say anything, really. I've always wanted to juggle and ride a unicycle, but I dare say if I ever asked the advice of an acrobat he would say, "All you do is get on and start pedaling.""

Interview with J.G. Ballard, Paris Review, 1984

Photo from Guardian montage on Writer's Rooms

Attack of the Killer Puppy!

2008-07-19

Bath Time

2008-07-18

Balloon Tax

The world's most expensive places to have sex rated by tax on the condom:

The Customer is Not Always Right

From Tech Hell

Me: “Can I help you?”

Caller: “My car won’t start.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “My car won’t start. It ran fine earlier but since I’ve visited your site it won’t turn over.”

Me: “Uh… is your computer attached to your car? Draining the battery?”

Caller: “No, the computer is in the house.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how visiting a web site, let alone ours, could affect the operation of your car.”

Caller: “I thought this was tech support?”

Me: “That’s correct. We are not car mechanics, however.”

Caller: “Look, I hear about web sites hacking into people’s lives all the time. I see no reason why they couldn’t hack cars or anything else they wanted.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Caller: “No! My car worked fine earlier! I went to your site and now it won’t start. Why are you hacking me?!”

Me: “We aren’t. You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

Caller: ”F*** YOU! GET OUT OF MY CAR, YOU–”

Me: *click*
To read more stories of customer idiocy, click here.

As Rats Laugh

2008-07-17

Kids Say the Damnedest Things

and:

and, unrelated:

2008-07-16

Give Us a Kiss

2008-07-15

Muppet = Celebrity

2008-07-13

Gifts for the Previously Ungiftable

Inflatable Bondage Chair

Magic Answer Me Jesus

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit (3 in one case)

Five-Pound Fat Replica Demonstration Model (can be paired with the Five Pound Lean Muscle Model)

Hand-Blown Glass Taco Ornament

Playmobil Security Check Point (may be paired with the Playmobil Safe Crackers)

Acupuncture Pig Model

Dr. Riters ErgoChair

Knitting With Dog Hair

Slingshot Flying Monkey

The Fart Pen

Monogrammed Toilet Paper

Tattoos for Babies

Brain Jello Mold

She-Crab Soup

Porta-Cut Whip Maker

How do you like your weiners?

2008-07-12

Dedication

2008-07-11

The Grass is Greener at the Other Golf Course

Lush and fertile fairways have been reduced to baked brown dust after the groundsman sprayed them with a chemical usually used to destroy grass growing through pavements and roads. Whoops.