Care for a Ketchup Packet?

You've always wanted to do this; just not with your own stuff. Now you can be a bad kid without mommy or daddy yelling at you.


Make a mess!


"Darling, the legs aren't so beautiful, I just know what to do with them."

"In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact."

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."

"If there is a supreme being, he's crazy."

"Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him."

"To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long."

Without tenderness, a man is uninteresting."

— Marlene Dietrich (pictured with Claudette Colbert)


The 'Ruzzler' Causes a Ruckus.

A flashing electronic road sign on Route 1 Providence Highway in Massachusetts was hacked into by a 'prankster' yesterday and media reaction may be funnier than the sign itself, which was pretty damn funny to one as childish and easily amused as me.

To all who drove by, "PENIS FOR LUNCH" flashed instead of "ROAD CONSTRUCTION AHEAD."

A transportation rep said, "Some people might see it as a joke, but this is a road that is traveled on by families and children and there are some people that don't find it funny."

A penis is serious business, folks.

The local Fox 25 was so mortified by the word "PENIS," they obscured it. Even the Boston Herald referred to "PENIS" as "certain part of the male anatomy." This when there is sooooo very much slang to choose from. May we suggest: bologna pony?

To keep with the theme...

Too Tired for Snappy Title

I am soooooo tracking down this book!

And check this action out: Australia's Prime Minister John Howard takes a spill and news.com.au is there to let you compare his fall to that of Gore, Castro and Ford.

Pink Tentacle had photos of all the cephelopodic playgrounds you could ever hope for.... and they've been following the pimp my rice field story very closely.

Very Bad Porn.

10 Streaker Videos.

10 Best Space Walks.

Women in a High Heel Sprint.

Separated at Creation?

Smurfette: Premiered in 1981 on NBC
Paris Hilton: Born 17 February 1981

Smurfette: Was magically created out of clay by Gargamel to cause jealousy and competition between smurfs
Paris Hilton: Has a clay personality, thinks everyone is jealous, and wants famous men fighting over her

Smurfette: Considered to be the worst singer in all of Smurfdom
Paris Hilton: Did you ever listen to her album, Paris?

Smurfette: Wears tiny white dresses that barely cover her smurfly parts
Paris Hilton: Wears tiny white dresses, and often shows her, uh, smurfly parts

Smurfette: Always causing trouble, including flooding of the smurf village
Paris Hilton: Do we need to go into details?

Smurfette: Underwent extensive plastic smurfery to become a blond bombshell
Paris Hilton: Underwent extensive plastic surgery to transform her from smurfly-looking to tabloid-worthy

Smurfette: Has large smurf feet
Paris Hilton: Is embarrassed that plastic surgery couldn’t shrink her large feet

Smurfette: Lives under a mushroom in a strange fantasy world
Paris Hilton: Lives a strange fantasy life, and (based on her smarts) presumably grew up under a mushroom

Thanks to Say No to Crack for that last piece that finally has the world making sense to me.

I am off to landscape under dark skies with my my brain far to still and my body still asleep. I mean, I'm taking my brain. I am not gardening with my brain. You know. I'm using tools. Like my laser weed licker....


And Dream of Sheep

Click here to get a sheep tape measure!

Grow your own 'sheep crystals!'

Did you know sheep can be quite poetical?

If you have the need, you can rent a sheep (site is in Dutch and does not state if one rents be the hour).

Have some thank you cards to write? Write them on sheep poop paper!

Learn about Shaun the Sheep.

The Sheep Shagger site. Yes, ewe!!!!

Looking for something a little less real? Then Blow-up Sheep are where it's at!

The next step; The Sheep Genome Project.

electric sheep

More electric sheep.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

The Sheep Game!

Red sheep of Scotland.

And, if you haven't heard it before, AC/DC's huge hit, Dirty Deed's Down with Sheep.

Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep

Sung to the music of "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC

If you're having trouble with your barnyard friends,
You got a thing for ewes,
Been counting sheep, but you're not in bed,
Here's what you gotta do.
Get out the barn, stay off the farm,
Go read a nursery rhyme.
Don't ring 976-BAAA,
That kind of love's a crime.

Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
Dirty deeds, Little Bo Peep,
Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep,
Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

My friend Larry has a little lamb,
Her fleece is white as snow,
He keeps bragging about her night and day,
Someone should tell him no.
Look at the flock, they're all in shock,
Here comes that mutton fan,
Knock off the fleece, give them some peace,
Don't be a barnyard man.

Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
Dirty deeds, Little Bo Peep,
Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep,
Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

Velcro gloves, kneepads, late-night dates.
Done with sheep.
Warning signs, electric fences, high voltage.
Done with sheep.

Dirty deeds, don't tell 'em what I done to ewe,
Done with sheep.
Dirty deeds, dirty deeds, done with sheep.

Fact or Fiction!

See if you can tell if the story mentioned is Ripped From the Headlines or a Plot from Scooby Do!

I scored a mere 60%.

I suck.

"Words, words, words"

From Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh:

"Do we need ear plugs?"

- At the Royal Premiere of the James Bond film Die Another Day, on being told that Madonna sung the theme song.

"I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing."

"Are you Indian or Pakistani? I can never tell the difference between you chaps."

- Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip, at Washington Embassy reception for Commonwealth members

"Brazilians live there"

- Prince Philip on the "key problem" facing Brazil

"Never pass up a chance to go to the loo or to take a poo."

- When asked his secret for dealing with public appearances

"You look like you're ready for bed!"

- Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes

"If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly."

- Commenting during the Jubilee tour

"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?"

- Said to a blind woman with a guide dog

Upon presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student, when informed that the young man was going to help out in Romania for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans; upon being informed he was not, it was claimed the 85-year-old duke added: "Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages."

"Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car - we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle." (2001)

- Talking to Elton John after he told Prince Philip that he had sold his gold Aston Martin

"In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation."

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"

- Said to a driving instructor in Scotland

Painting from the Saveloy Factory

Splish Splash, She was Takin' a Bath

The Leipzig Zoo in Germany has given their elephants an enclosure that let's them beat the heat.

It is designed to look more like a temple than a cage and includes a 135-square-metre swimming pool for the creatures.

Trinh, the smiling elephant to the left, swam in the 370,000 litre pool to avoid the 30C (86F) heat.

Visitors are able to watch through super-strength, glass panels as the animals swim under water.

The enclosure, named Ganesha Mandir by the zoo, also includes a huge shower area.

Tough Man Mullet


Why a Duck?

"Loire Estuary 2007," is an amazing outdoor, contemporary-art exhibition that takes place in France.

30 artists from around the world installed their work along a 40-mile stretch at the mouth of the Loire River, from Saint-Nazaire to Nantes.

There is a river cruise that will take you down the river to see the whole, magnificent collection. It departs daily from Nantes or Saint-Nazaire.

Of note is Dutch artists Florentijn Hofman*'s massive (105-foot-tall, 85-foot-wide)“Canard de bain.

On his website, the artists reflects on the reactions from the crowds: "A yellow spot on the horizon slowly approaches the coast. People have gathered and watch in amazement as a giant yellow Rubber Duck approaches. The spectators are greeted by the duck, which slowly nods its head. The Rubber Duck knows no frontiers, it doesn't discriminate people and doesn't have a political connotation. The friendly, floating Rubber Duck has healing properties: it can relief mondial tensions as well as define them. The rubber duck is soft, friendly and suitable for all ages!"

The exhibit takes place from 1st June to 1st September

Other participating artists include Anish Kapoor, Atelier Van Lieshout, Erwin Wurm, Martin Ruiz de Azúa, Minerva Cuevas, Los Carpinteros, Tadashi Kawamat, Kinya Maruyama, Tatzu Nishi, Felice Varini, Thomas Lanfranchi, Julius Popp, Jeppe Hein, Thomas McIntosh, Kevin Van Braak, Edwin Van Der Heide, Morgane Tschiember, Dré Wapenaar, Denis Oudendijk, Yan-Pei Ming, Honoré d’O, David Bartex, Daniel Buren - Patrick Bouchain, Concept Plastique, Jean-Luc Courcoult, Marie-Pierre Duquoc, Gilles Ebersolt, Franck Gérard, Fabrice Hyber, Ange Leccia, Bevis Martin - Charlie Youle, Alain Séchas, YKFD.

*his website is currently unavailable because he is too darned popular!


"If an ordinary person is silent, it may be a tactical manoeuvre. If a writer is silent, he is lying."

- Jaroslav Seifert
1984 Nobel Prize acceptance speech

“Every saint has a bee in his halo."

Sheila Sabatine of Bangor, Pennsylvania was preparing for a laid back day. She pulled an outdoor lounge chair into the shade of a tree and was puzzled when she heard an odd buzzing sound.

Much to her surprise and chagrin, about 10,000 bees had formed a football-sized hive under her seat of choice. They were none too pleased with the sudden relocation.

Sabatine managed to scamper into the house without getting stung.

Joe Kuka, a local beekeeper reported that swarming bees are generally not aggressive. Wisely Kuka added that if Mrs. Sabatine had plunked herself down in the chair, "she would have got up in a hurry."


Impossible Product

A Cure for the Crabby Old Man

Much Listy Stuff

Music stars and their un-sexy real names:

  • David Bowie - David Robert Hayward Stenton Jones
  • Eric Clapton - Eric Patrick Clapp
  • Alice Cooper - Vincent Damon Furnier
  • Dido - Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong
  • Bob Dylan - Robert Alan Zimmerman
  • Jewel - Jewel Kilcher
  • Mama Cass - Ellen Naomi Cohen
  • Marilyn Manson - Brian Warner
  • Meat Loaf - Marvin Lee Aday
  • George Michael - Yorgos Panayiotou
  • Nelly - Carnell Haynes, Jr.
  • Lou Reed - Louis Firbank
  • Busta Rhymes - Trevor Tahiem Smith
  • Cliff Richard - Harry Webb
  • Sade - Helen Folasade Adu
  • Seal - Henry Olusegun Olumide Samuel
  • Gene Simmons - Chaim Witz
  • Cat Stevens - Steve Georgiou
  • Sly Stone - Sylvester Stewart
  • Ice T - Tracy Marrow
  • Randy Travis - Randy Bruce Traywick
  • Shania Twain - Eileen Regina Edwards
  • Frankie Valli - Frank Castelluccio
  • Eddie Vedder - Edward Louis Severson

Dog barks around the world:

  • English: woof, woof
  • Albanian: ham, ham
  • Arabic: haw, haw
  • Bulgarian: bau, bau
  • Danish: vov, vov
  • Estonian: auh, auh
  • Farsi: vogh, vogh
  • Finnish: hau, hau
  • French: ouaf, ouaf
  • German: wau, wau
  • Greek: gav, gav
  • Hindi: bho, bho
  • Icelandic: voff, voff
  • Italian: bau, bau
  • Japanese: wan, wan
  • Korean: mung, mung
  • Latvian: vau, vau
  • Mandarin Chinese: wang, wang
  • Norwegian: voff, voff
  • Polish: hau, hau
  • Romanian: ham, ham
  • Russian: gav, gav
  • Spanish: guau, guau
  • Swedish: voff, voff
  • Thai: hoang, hoang
Celebrity cat names:
  • Hodge: Samuel Johnson, British writer and lexicographer
  • Selima: Horace Walpole, British writer and historian
  • Langbourne: Jeremy Bentham, British writer, reformer, and philosopher
  • Old Foss: Edward Lear, British poet and humorist
  • Siam: Rutherford B. Hayes, American president
  • Appolinaris, Beelzebub, Blatherskaite, Buffalo Bill: Mark Twain, American author
  • Bismarck: Florence Nightingale, British nurse
  • Cobby: Thomas Hardy, British writer
  • Chess, Checkmate: Alexander Alekhine, Russian-French chess player
  • Taki: Raymond Chandler, American novelist
  • Jellylorum, George Pushdragon: T.S. Eliot, American-born British critic and writer
  • Blackie, Jock, Nelson, Tango: Winston Churchill, British politician and writer
  • Beppo: Jorge Luis Borges, Argentinian writer
  • Gujarat: John Kenneth Galbraith, Canadian-born American economist, writer, and diplomat
  • Fuckchop: Trent Reznor, leader, Nine Inch Nails

Latin proverbs:

  • Audi alteram partem - "Hear the other side."
  • Credo quia absurdum - "I believe it because it is absurd."
  • Errare humanum est; perseverare diabolicum - "To err is human; to repeat error is of the devil."
  • Ex nihilo nihil fit - "Nothing comes from nothing."
  • Festina lente - "Make haste slowly."
  • Gutta cavat lapidem - "Constant dropping wears the stone."
  • Mundus vult decipi - "The world wants to be deceived."
  • Natura non contristur - "Nature isn't sentimental."
  • Quem di diligunt, adulescens moritur - "Whom the gods love dies young."
  • Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor - "I see the better way and approve it, but I follow the worse way."

The motto of the Addams Family is Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc — "We gladly feast on those who would subdue us."



Listen Like Thebes

These are the Colossi of Memnon(erroneously identified by Greek travelers in antiquity) in Egypt; the only remnants of a temple commemorating Amenhotep III.

The Greeks named them after Memnon, the legendary hero killed at the Trojan Wars, who each morning called his mother Eos, the Dawn goddess.

After an earthquake, the statue to the right began to "sing" every morning at dawn, producing a light moaning sound most likely related to rising temperatures and evaporating dew. In "The Sphinx," Oscar Wilde wrote:

"Still from his chair of porphyry gaunt Memnon strains his lidless eyes Across the empty land, and cries each yellow morning unto thee."

Hearing the song was thought to bring good luck and the colossi began to attract pilgrims from across the ancient world.The singing stopped in 199 when Emperor Septimius Severus 'fixed' the damaged statues.

On the 27th of June this year, a mummy found long ago in a tomb in Egypt (by Howard Carter) was positively identified by DNA from a tooth as that of Hatsheput, the strongest and most powerful female Pharaoh, ruling in 15th century B.C..

I became obsessed with Hatsheput because of a book a found on an airplane as a kid. I devoured CHILD OF THE MORNING countless times and read everything I could find on this early female hero. My eyes will be glued to the screen tonight as Discovery airs their special on The Secrets of the Lost Queen of Egypt. More here in a NY Times article you have to be registered to read.

Literal Hygiene Product