Locked and Loaded

A bold and strange and bored man from Kent had the need to be freed by firemen after getting his penis super-glued in a padlock.

The 50-year-old man tap tap tapped on the local fire station door in after a sex game went weird.

Medics could do nothing.

Thusly did he returned to the fire station.

Firemen used hydraulic cutters to 'unlock' him after two-and-a-half hours of fun, frolics and un-posted photos.

Said a close and mean friend said, "God knows what he was up to - but he won't be trying it again in a hurry."


Online Dating

Click on the coveted "R" to rate you own daily verbage spew.


Not Bored

"Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity." - R. I. Fitzhenry

"In the U.S. you have to be a deviant or exist in extreme boredom...Make no mistake all intellectuals are deviants in the U.S." - William Seward Burroughs

I'm afraid of nothing except being bored." - Greta Garbo

“Life is full of choices, if you have the guts to go for it. That's why I get immediately bored with anyone's complaining about how boring their life is, or how bad their town is. Fucking leave and go somewhere else. Or don't.” - Henry Rollins

"There's no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there's no excuse for boredom, ever." - Viggo Mortenson

"They say that death kills you, but death doesn't kill you. Boredom and indifference kill you." - Iggy Pop

"What's wrong with being a boring kind of guy?' - George Bush

Aurora Borealis from Space

CNN = Entertainment Tonight

CNN, ratings whores merely reflecting the bad taste of an ADD afflicted country, kicked Michael Moore off the hour long Larry King Show on Tuesday and will be devoting this time to a more important issue than the health care system that Moore's movie delves into - Paris Hilton's post-jail interview.

Who needs to know what's going on any where in the world when this EVENT OF THE CENTURY is going on?

I learned this from Think Progress. I kinda thought thinking and progress were good.

Much of America seems to disagree.

My forehead now features a large bruise from having been pummeled into my desk over and over and over and over again.

“Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.”

Mr. Emerson spoke the truth and I take it on for myself.*

Hear me speak to the enchanting Ben Leroy of Bleak House Books (better known as the neatest boy in the whole wide world) on The Future is Bleak podcast.

Listen as I laugh at my own jokes and speak a gazillion miles a minute about Expletive Deleted, my beloved anthology project featuring some of the boldest writers I have ever read, writing in homage to one of my favorite words: fuck.

It will hit the bookstores in November with stories that made even me blush.

A bit.

*If you know me, you have experienced the babble...

Mullet with a Side of Testosterone


Lap It Up

"This pillow is skin-coloured
polyurethene calves
folded under soft thighs,
a comfy cushion for napping,
reading or
watching television."



I had a great idea. But I've no idea what it is....

thanks to the lovely Alison!

Just, plain...


You Know You Need It

Zeus on a Bad Day

Photograph by Kane Quinnell who was a mere 20 metres away when it struck.

"It was like a crack. The next thing I was about two metres in the air - it scared the hell out of me."

As you may sense from the fact that there is a quote, Quinnell was unhurt.

Jen Hearts Geeks....

Lifted from Websulker:
The Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt Slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 4 at 1.8 GHz so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate, mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
10. The information went data way
11. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"?
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no stinking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press "control/alt/delete" to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no! NOT THAT ONE!


The Dance Continues

A Veritable Cornucopia of Crap

10 Truly Strange and Icky Psychiatric Treatments of Yore.

Odd Rugs.

Things To Do When You're Dead.

Things To Eat Before That Happens.

10 Ways To Make You Like You More.

100 Most Likely To Not Exist Much Longer Monuments.

Carnies, A Fair View.

Top 10 Questions for the New Management Team of the Hotel Chelsea:

Where's Stanley?
Here’s my portfolio, can I get a room?
Can I stay in Sid’s room?
Where’s the hotel bar?
Did Harry Smith keep a zombie in his room?
Can we go up on the roof?
Do you plan to take down the art?
Can we have a laundry room in the basement?
Do you know who the bloggers are?
Are you going to gut the building?
Can you get the junkie out of my bathroom?
How many people have committed suicide here?
Do I really have to pay my rent now?


“Books are a narcotic”

"We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front of me an look at me, what do you know of the grief's that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you and tell you, what more would you know about me that you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell."

A book must be the ax for the frozen sea within us.

You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

May I kiss you then? On this miserable paper? I might as well open the window and kiss the night air.

Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.

And if Kafka is mind territory you have merely dipped your toes into, R.Crumb has an illustrated guide to Kafka that could well become the pride of your collection.

And I adore Kafka, the movie. Surreal, political and lovely in the grimmest way.

You Wanted the Best!

You got this instead! Why the film version had to be Gene Kelly's last filmed dance role stymies me to this day.

Bahamian Idiot Mullet


My Brain Gear

I am all over the boys to the left, aesthetically speaking.

Gifted with Yahoo Jukebox, I tune to "My Station" on occasion to inundate my innocent ears with the possibilities of new, much needed wonderful music. It went for an hour before I was captured. Catapulted out of complacency by the sounds of The Fratellis and their glorious album, Costello Music.

After listening to it about a gazillion times, I still love it. Enough to do thorough checks and find a show coming my way at a venue I adore, The Pabst Theater. Energetic, fun as hell, you can jump like an idiot to it, thrashing your hair in a fetching 'I am a spazz' kind of way. Rock 'n roll with all the beats and grooves any needy ass sitter a.k.a. writer could want, with a touch of T. Rex to make the brain open wide. Musically, a whine-free zone smashed full of guitars. Thank you, Scotland!

Let Me Introduce My Friends and The Flaming Lips have also made Jen a happy, chair dancing girl as she edits, edits, edits the anthology and various stories sitting in limbo until her brain was chipper again.

Staying up until dawn, I was able to fill my head with Will Storr, The Outlaw Bible of American Literature and The Black House by two creepy boys named King and Straub. I fueled my sleep starved body with Trader Joe ambrosia's in the form of Trader Ming's Won Ton Chips - Chinese Mustard Flavor and their Moka Java. Oh, what a gloriously spoiled girl I am!

What marvelous things did you sate yourself with this weekend?

P.S. Did I ever tell you that I have the biggest brain and soul crush ever recorded in all of history on hyper-smart, bold and word-sagacious Henry Rollins?

P.S.S. Have you ever noticed what a wonder adrenaline is?

P.S.S.S. One could spend much of one's life cleaning a glass desk if one were to spend a weekend glued to a chair tucked under said desk as one's brain, steeped in caffeine and vitamin B, noticed new splotches and dreaded gobs of 'stuff' every three seconds as one weeded through words on a glowing screen.

P.S.S.S.S. How many S.'s are one allowed before the Post Script gods come down in a thunderous rage and smash one on the head with one's keyboard? I'll let you know later....

"It is not a fragrant world. "

I love the smell of Raymond Chandler quotes in the morning:

Everything a writer learns about the art or craft of fiction takes just a little away from his need or desire to write at all. In the end he knows all the tricks and has nothing to say.

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

The more you reason the less you create.

When I split an infinitive, God damn it, I split it so it will stay split.

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.

At least half the mystery novels published violate the law that the solution, once revealed, must seem to be inevitable.


From the "I Can't Make This Up" Department

Actual Headline:

Multi-penised, six-legged, two-anused piglet given silly name

A piglet in Croatia born with six legs and two penises has been nicknamed Octopig by his owner.

The farmer, Ivica Seic from the village of Vrpolje, said Octopig also has two anuses.

He said that the pig was growing so fast that they had decided to keep him as a pet, daily newspaper Vecernji List reported.

Have an octi day!


The Long Day Cuteness Buffer

"I won't go soft on you..."

And James Ellroy keeps his promises...

Noir is dead for me because historically, I think it's a simple view. I've taken it as far as it can go. I think I've expanded on it a great deal, taken it further than any other American novelist.

Raymond Chandler is not a guy that I admire any more. I think his books are softheaded and full of bad writing.

Anybody who doesn't know that politics is crime has got a few screws loose.

I am the most well-adjusted human being I know. I started out this investigation as a very happy man with a great career. I've got the life people dream about: I am rich, I am famous, I've got a fabulous marriage to an absolutely, spell-bindingly brilliant woman.

I feel very calm and poised underneath it all, but no less passionate or committed to the work. I won't go soft on you, but I feel calm inside.*

*mentioned in this BEATRICE Interview, 1996


Er... stuff

First, a site dedicated to the horrors of fast food ads vs. reality. One word to sum up. Ew.

Second, death need not mean no more hugs. But it can be the beginning of bad taste.

Third, from the lovely people at Neatorama, 30 Strangest Deaths

Fourth, a photo guide to weird plants from the envy inducing Dark Roasted Blend.

An odd photo.

And two quotes:

"I felt like poisoning a monk."
- Umberto Eco (1932 - ), on why he wrote the novel "The Name of the Rose."

"Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night."
- Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982), What The Dead Men Say, 1964

Punishment from the First Tier of Hell

Stuck upside down on a roller coaster. Mind you, you have a rum hang-over and you just had an undercooked chili dog as well.

Ripped from the Headlines!

Big snakes make kids giggle

"Her husband's ashes, which she wears in a blue container on a gold chain around her neck, remind Jean Howard of how she came to love snakes."

Feel the need to read the whole story? Here you are, dear.

The guy on the far right does not look amused.

Learning the Facts of Mullets

Yes, it is who you think it is.


Into the Fray

Students invent powdered booze

This is the headline, provided by the outrageously cute Alison, that met me when I fired up the computer yesterday afternoon. Confused, I clicked on the link. Why ever would the precious time of 'students' be taken up with such a task as creating powdered alcohol?

"'Because the alcohol is not in liquid form, we can sell it to people below 16,' said project member Martyn van Nierop.

The legal age for drinking alcohol and smoking is 16 in the Netherlands.

The students said companies interested in making the product commercially could avoid taxes because the alcohol was in powder form. A number of companies are interested, they said."

The minds that will run the world tomorrow, ensuring that their mental contemporaries will be too fucked up to know that the world is on the skids.

Locally (i.e. Milwaukee, WI), I was informed by my lovely sister that my hometown is as patently strange and unexplainable as usual. In one local news blotter, this:

Man Bites Other Man’s Tongue During Fight
A 40-year-old man bit a 41-year-old’s man tongue during a fight over property. The tongue was not completely severed. Police do not know the logistics of how the victim’s tongue got in the suspect’s mouth. The suspect is custody on charges of “mayhem,” which covers criminal incidents involving severed extremities. It happened in the 3900 block of S. Howell late Monday night.

Italics are mine. Because how could an innocent reader know enough to question the complete oddness of that statement?

Then, the following, with video goodness through the link provided on the page:

"MILWAUKEE COUNTY - A man was hit by a car on northbound I-94 near the Rawson Ave. ramp in southern Milwaukee County early Monday.

Unconfirmed reports say a man drove off the freeway into a ditch around 3 a.m., and then was hit by another vehicle after he left the car.

The 21-year-old man, identified by his brother-in-law as Leomel Engstrom(does that name not beg to be Tuckerized in a short story?), was reportedly only semi-clothed when authorities arrived.

He apparently suffered a broken leg. He was expected to undergo extensive surgery for it Tuesday.

Authorities were investigating the possibility of drug use or mental instability.

The Journal Sentinel reports that detectives were attempting to track down the owner of the vehicle that the man was driving. The paper also reported that the man was still unidentified and could not coherently answer questions."

This is my town. My home. The source of my own inherent weirdness.

Today, I head out into the midst of it for my work. My attempts to park will be thwarted. The dumbest catcalls in the nation will fill my ears. And it will be so damn hot, I'll feel like I'm write back in Javits for BEA. Except for the severe lack of books. And a line for the bathroom. And overpriced food. And grown men dressed as deities.

Wish me well today. I face 35 mph winds as I work in a green house.

The Making It Up To Kat Mullet


It's Been a While

Since I posted a penis story.

This one is short and sweet.

Ripped from the headlines: "NEW YORK - A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized."

And an almost pointless photo for those seeking visual aid:

Crisis? What Crisis?