Anal Retentive Lawn Wanker

It's a 103 outside. All the lawns in the neighborhood have virtually stopped growing. They're burnt from green to tan and crunch underfoot.

Except the neighbor's lawn. It's sprayed with chemicals , trimmed, blown (never raked!) and meticulously watered with a fervor usually seen only in the insane and the fundamental.

My lawn?

Shaggy. It hosts the occasional chicory plant and lamb's ear, yarrow and hollyhock that have escaped from the garden. The local deer, rabbit, fox, toad, butterfly, bird and chipmunk population love it and spend many hours eating and subsequently pooping over its expansive weediness.

My neighbor no doubt thinks that I am insane.

But I am not the one mowing in 103 degree heat.

It's just a lawn; a convention of the French and against all that nature dictates. She doesn't like proper patches of perfectly coiffed high maintenance grass! She likes chaos and things that take care of themselves!
I will not fire up my mower and bake under the noon sun for a lawn!


Isn't iiiiiiiit a pretty mullet?


"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. "

Leonard Cohen.

Even if you never sought his music out, it has most likely found you and some point. Much like the music of Jimi Hendrix, he is oft covered (from Nick Cave to Neil Diamond) and sometimes with heart breaking beauty (Jeff Buckley).

"I love to hear my songs
by anyone else but me.
My critical faculties go into suspension.
I don't wonder 'Do I like it?' -

He is the genius behind some of the best lyrics bar anyone except, maybe, Tom Waits.

Now I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah





Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her

She tied you

To a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain

I don't even know the name

But if I did, well really, what's it to you?

There's a blaze of light

In every word

It doesn't matter which you heard

The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though

It all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah


It shouldn't be surprising in the least then, to discover that many tomes of poetry exist.

"It was only when you walked away I saw you had the perfect ass. Forgive me for not falling in love with your face or your conversation." - from The Energy of Slaves (1972)

What you may not have known is that a new one, THE BOOK OF LONGING. I stumbled across it and a PBS transcript of an interview today.

"I had the title poet, and maybe I was one for a while. Also, the title singer was kindly accorded me, even though I could barely carry a tune."

He's a novelist, with the book BEAUTIFUL LOSERS an amazing example of his talent.

"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh. "

There's also a documentary featuring many people (and in "many" you will always find Bono) singing his music to various degrees of greatness.

"I don't consider myself a pessimist at all. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel completely soaked to the skin."

And did you know that he is an ordained Rinzai* Buddhist monk?

Rinzai Buddhism emphasizes the use of koans, paradoxical puzzles or questions that help the practitioner to overcome the normal boundaries of logic. Koans are often accompanied by shouts or slaps from the master, intended to provoke anxiety leading to instant realization of the truth. Unlike the Ch'an schools in China, Ensai also taught that Zen should defend the state and could offer prayers and incantations. "These teachings influenced the warrior class and led to a Zen influence over the martial arts of archery and swordsmanship."

He's Ba-ack....

Anthony Bourdain, whom I have already professed my undying adoration for, has made it back safely to America. Salon.com is carrying his story on getting stuck in and then getting out of Beirut after the crews failed an attempt at a No Reservations episode. Check the first line:

"From where I'm sitting, poolside, I can see the airport burning -- the last of the jet fuel cooking off like a dying can of sterno."

The man has some damned eclectic taste in music besides being a fantastic hard-boiled writer, a chef and a traveling man who will attempt to eat anything.


"I don't know these people..."

Squirrel Squatters

Heinz Steinhaeuser and his wife Brunhilde, an elderly German couple from Verden in Lower Saxony, were forced out of their home for almost two hours when a family of squirrels moved in and chased them off.

The fire brigade had to be called for the couple to win back their home from the squirrel pair and their three rambunctious kids. The family of squirrels busted into the house when he went to get the newspaper. His wife was promptly chased out.

The squirrels hid under and behind various furniture before five officers caught them one crazy squirrel at a time. Much of the furniture had to be dismantled to catch the militant nut lovers.



I Had a Dream

In it, I wandered about at some New York party, bored with people that seemed overly concerned with appearances and saying clever things and finding the right light to stand under to accent their profiles.

Among the colorful people present was Madonna. She was being catered to by all the horrifically cool people there and, as a sign of her approval, she would take one of her talon-like nails and run it down people's backs, leaving an ugly red welt.

She looked over at me and poised the nail for scratching.

I told her, "If you even touch me with that nail, I'll punch you."

She withdrew with a shrug and I determined it was time to get the hell out of there.

When I awoke, it seemed that on some level, I had embraced my dorkiness once and for all.

A Faux Todd Rundgren Mullet

God, you remember Todd, don't you?


Friday Nights Alright for Penis Stories

A 30 year-old Latvin man, drunk off his ass, made a bet with a "friend" that for 1000 lats (or $2360), he would cut off his penis.

I don't know what kind of value you place on your own... parts, but I wouldn't cut off my hair for that amount. Perhaps he'd run up a horrendous bar tab. Coldn't his "friend" have helped with that?

Well, he did it and the amount of blood led him to think a few stitches may be inorder.

Luckily, quick thinking and not easily grossed out patrons got the mans penis on ice and sent it with him to the hospital, in a bag.

Latvian doctors attempted the first penis reattachment in that countries history, which speaks rather well of Latvia, doesn't it?

"We have had a few cases with penis traumas, when it was half-cut or damaged, but this is the first time that it was totally cut off - and brought to hospital in a plastic bag," said microsurgeon Aivars Tihonovs from Gailezers hospital in the Latvian capital, Riga.

Surgery lasted three and a half hours as doctors sewed six nerves and a few veins back together.

"The first operation of this kind in the world was carried out in 1977, and it is still very rare," Tihonovs said also stating that he was "really angry that he (the patient) did it to himself".

It take four or five days to assess if the operation was successful. It will take about half a year to be sure the man's penis is functioning properly.

The money he won?

It went to the deductible.

Now, this next story had me in a nose snort fit that terrified the neighbors and attracted strange birds to the window.

An somewhat anonymous man from Merseyside, England had a problem.

A big problem.

A problem that most men would hesitate to bring up to their wives and doctors, let alone the entire world. But, when you've got no where left to turn, why not call in to a nationally syndicated BBC radio talk show?

CALLER: I had a problem with impotence and I had an operation in Turkey and got an implant which would help.
HOST: I know the sort of thing.
CALLER: But what is happening now is every time my neighbour comes back in their 4 x 4, I get an erection.
HOST: Good Lord.
CALLER: This is embarrassing. It's a big problem.
HOST: Have you been to see your doctor about it?
CALLER: The problem is I had this done in Turkey, using equipment that is not known in this country. I don't like it because every time his car pulls in, I can't leave the house.
HOST: (Laughing) I'm afraid that it sounds funny as well. I know it's not funny for you.
CALLER: It's not funny for me, Roger, when I can't leave the house because I'm walking around with a big erection.
HOST: You're going to have to go and see a doctor.

One hesitates, unless one is me, to think what this poor man's primary care physician will say when asked to help with his "Turkish garage door remote spontaneous priapism syndrome."

That concludes this evenings edition of Penis Stories.

Be good to each other.

Ooooo, Another List!

I love lists.

I write many lists and used to go out at night with a blank book that I would pass around the bar in which I asked people to makes lists of things they hated, things that freaked them out, what was making them happy, etc.

I still have the books and the lists are hilarious - the drunken scrawling and doodles take me back. Still not entirely sure what the hell we were paying cover charge for most nights.

Lists on-line, especially "Worst of" lists get me in my giggle spot. When I came across a list of the 32 Worst Lyrics of All Time, I was all over it like a shoe on a smushed bug.

Passed Out: The Beginning

Passed Out 1

Passed Out 2

Passed Out 3

Passed Out 4

Passed Out 5

Passed Out 6

Passed Out 7

Passed Out 8

Passed Out 9

Passed Out 10


Do Not Enter


Delighted Divers


There's Dada at MoMa.

A Bathroom with a View

There's a Aussie in the Crevice!

"I guess he was really drunk. He tried to grab on to the tree there, to climb down, and he fell all the way to the bottom.

This from a man who witness a toasted Australian who survived a fall of nearly 30 meters into a ravine.

The beyond tipsy Aussie clamored onto a rail near a ravine in an effort to find a place to break his beer cherry.

Branches slowed his fall all the way down and the fire department somehow got him back up.

Capt. Rick Matsen says there was no question that the man was inebriated.

"Well, it just so happens he had a beer with him when he was brought up."

"Still in his hands?" asked a reporter.

"Still in his hands, yup. He held on to it pretty tight, I'm thinking."

Cafe Cuteness


"I'm kind of afraid for the grandkids. I had to sneak down there at dark and get my tractor out of the barn."

Mobile, Alabama.

Big ass wasp nests.

The biggiest, assiest nests entomologists have ever seen.

Multiple queens are forcing innocent worker yellow jackets to add on to the paper palaces so the queens will be in separate throne rooms.

At one site in Barbour County, a nest was as large as a Volkswagen Beetle and had to be removed in sections.

Bug man Dr. Charles Ray, from the Alabama Cooperative Extension System in Auburn, said he's aware of 16 nests in the area that he would describe as "super-sized" McNests.

The largest wasp abode inspected this year was in 1955 Chevrolet. The size of a tire in the rear floor seven weeks ago, it spread to fill the entire vehicle. Four satellite nests around it have gotten into the eaves of the barn the car is parked in.

If Spock and Beavis had a Baby

...it would look this this mulleted rocker dood.


Maybe Some Reservations....

Anthony Bourdain, a favorite author of mine and one of the few reasons I watch television ever, is trapped in Lebanon as the fighting between Hezbollah and Israel erupts on July 12, he posts on the eG Forums:

"In other news, we are currently shooting an episode of NR in Lebanon--and it should be video gold. Those kookie-krazy kids from Hezbollah were popping off their weapons today(shooting in the air, I gather)--and Israel has been bombing and mobilizing a division in the South with reported land and sea strikes... (See today's news--and quotes from Israeli PM). While the party continues in Beirut--there's a lot of concern that the Israelis will follow up with strikes on infrastructure (like the power grid). And we were due to head to the Bekka Valley tomorrow.
BTW..this town is Party Central!"

"The Israelis just bombed the airport...so it look like we won't be going anywhere soon..."

"Thanks for the good wishes..Way it's looking now--there ain't gonna be a show."

And from the New York Post today:

"Our network, our friends and our families just want us out of here as soon as possible," Bourdain told Page Six yesterday afternoon, as Israeli shells exploded in the distance. "We're not getting a show out of this . . . I just wanna hang out and drink at the bar. The mojitos here are great.

"They're bombing right now in southern Beirut. I can hear the explosions. The thing is, the people here are really, really nice and totally embarrassed by Hezbollah and horrified by the bombings."

After spending Monday and Tuesday eating his way through Beirut and befriending locals, Bourdain and his crew partied at local nightclubs into the wee hours. "This is a party town," he explained. "Everyone in this city is [bleeping] gorgeous. It's like L.A. It's a totally international, sophisticated city. Everyone speaks English and throws dollars around."

"Isn't he pretty?"

1-pound crustacean, caught earlier this week in Steuben with a two-toned shell!!!!!!!


My Ultimate Vacation Destination

Get your own pair here! Whooooooo!

There's No Business Like Dog Business!

This article must be read for the just for the fact that it means there is some person out there that loves pointless alliteration as much as I do.


It's the Peanutiest!!!

A mom's job is not easy. Give them a slight suggestion, such as, "Why don't you go play with the peanut butter," and all hell breaks loose.

My Jaw Dropped

The White House issued a memo that "instructs recipients to ensure that all Defense Department policies, practices and directives comply with Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions governing the humane treatment of prisoners."

It has been clearly stated that this is not a "reversal of policy." That would mean they made a mistake and are correcting it. Can't have that. No, they just want to, "get it right" and the situation is, "complex."

I am more confused than ever and my jaw is now firmly back in place.

"In the end, I'm too hedonistic. I enjoy pleasures."

Elizabeth Taylor says, 'I enjoy food too much.'

Ya think?*

This is hard hitting news?

This is worthy of a redundent headline?

How long have we known this?

Since Belushi at least....

*Use of this photo in no way endorses what is essentially a pretty boring book. Really. Printed Nytol.


Have I Told You Lately...

...that there's a site devoted to Nudist Tramplining?

You Put the Peas on the Coconut

Adam Shaw was having what he thought was a damned good night. His wife Niki was feeling amorous and all was right with the world.

Then it happened.

Adam fell out of bed, screaming in agony, as his penis began to swell to the size of a cucumber. But worse, infinitely worse, his testicles grew to the size of a coconut.

The wise and resourceful Niki grabbed a bag of frozen peas and placed them lovingly on her husbands groin.

Yet he continued to groan. In a bad way.

After having a good look at him, doctors gave him the bad news:

"It's broken."

The horror!

"I never knew you could break it - but I found out the hard way. It was agony," said a relieved Adam after penis saving surgery.

"He'll just have to be a little less energetic in future," said a resilient Niki.

And, get it whilst it's snappy fresh - the Gherkin penis! The Q&A on this item listed was most enlightening.

Q: How will you be packaging it to deliver it? I expect it may get damaged if you let it slop around in its own juices bashing against the sides.

A: The gherkin will be packed in amongst a cluster of pimento stuffed olives to prevent excessive movement in its own juices*. The olives will provide snug and secure support for the gherkin.

Q: Is it organic? I never put a vegetable inside myself unless it is completely natural.

A: The gherkin is not organic.**

Q: Hello. Has the gherkin been used for anything?

A: It has been used as a featured item in the eagerly awaited forthcoming book- Delia's Daring Dinners - amusing food of Norwich. Aside from that, the Gherkin is as new and will be delivered in it's original vinegar. I hope that this helps, if you have any more questions please feel free to ask.

Q: Hi, can you tell me the length and girth of the gherkin in mm please?

A: I understand your curiosity on this matter but please remember that the size of the item is not the best indication of its value.

**This confused me. The pickle is not organic? Then what in holy condiment hell is it? Dark matter?

Under the Sea

Results from an underwater photo contest turned up some damn odd creatures:


Saw this rather ebullient rabbit as my sister and I took a stroll by her house.
Oh, the joy!
The sheer love of nature!
The love of Bunny!

Summer Mullet, Happened So Fast