2006-07-06
2006-07-05
Fly Me to the Moon
The Space Shuttle Discovery got off safely on the fourth despite much blogged about foam problems. As the crew went about an inspection with a camera set-up on a robotic arm, it seems the correct material for insulating the Space Shuttle has been discovered. It is everywhere and free to boot!This magical material?
Bird poop!
Want to know more about bird poop?
Too bad!
Let's explore why bird poop is white.
Ya see, unlike lucky bipedal and quadrapedal mammals, birds don't pee. Nope. It's all mixed into a wondrous mass from their kidneys which extract nitrogenous wastes from the bloodstream and excretes in the form of uric acid. Uric acid*, as well all know, has a very low solubility in water. Thusly, it emerges as a white "paste." This "paste" emerges from the bird's magical multi-purpose cloaca**! The cloaca (which one will find on reptiles, amphibians and many fish) excretes poo-pee "paste", birds have sex by putting their cloacas together and females lay eggs via it.Want fake bird poop? Click here!
That's it.
That's all I got.
Just happy to be able to use the word cloaca repeatedly.
I've officially peeked.
*Used in the crystalline form as a reflector in certain species of fireflies.
**Latin for the word "sewer."
Tom Waits for No Man
After many years off the stage, Tom Waits is back with a tour. The dates, too sparse, but let us pray they'll fill out a bit, are here.
What's the Buzz?
From overtly serious to icky to weird, there is a lot going on in the world.
The most serious; the missiles. North Korea is flexing a little muscle on the sandy beach of diplomacy, tired of watching other countries bulge their biceps. Asked to play by no less than their former bud, China, North Korea is snubbing everyone now.
Japan is a bit upset. Japan's ambassador, Kenzo Oshima, said, "We hope the response from the council will be swift, strong and resolute."
Russia? Not so much: "In the discussion today, I didn't hear the word 'sanctions' and I frankly do not expect that anybody would be proposing any sanctions," Vitali Churkin said.
Admonished to join the community of nations by our freedom loving President (as he placed his hand over his heart and looked very sincere), they remained silent after sending off six missiles over fourteen hours. Then a not so faint, we are "prepared to deal with any U.S. challenge to its security," was heard amidst much use of the word "provocation" amongst other counties.
Concern resides mostly in what the North Koreans can do to their closest neighbors whom they don't appear to are for. The US, well, we can still make fun of them and after hearing Kim Jong III referred to as a "nut case" and a "lunatic" by some of the media and responding "experts", one of whom advised the White House to explode the long range missile on the missile pad.
South Korea was still sharing their food at the lunch table but I think their lunches will be a little light in the days to come.
Ken Lay has died. My Mom had asked if he had served any time in jail. I remarked that I didn't know if he'd been remanded after his guilty verdict. She hmphed then said, "Well, he's in hell now."
In India, 25-year-old electrician Sambhu Roy's skull kind of shed a large piece yesterday which had people coming from near and far to look at his holey cranium. He lays in his bed "holding the bone," according to sources.
David Hasselhoff, apparently recovered from his freak chandelier accident, was kicked out of Wimbledon for being "steaming drunk." Trying to get into the players bars, he was overheard saying: "You should let me in. Do you know who I am? IÂ’m The Hoff."
It seems no one was impressed.
They looked at least amused by the nude guy.
For those who need to feel closer to their lost loved ones, Huggable Urns.
A witchcraft ban ends in Zimbabwe.
A stolen car in New Zealand was returned in much better condition than when it was stolen. It now has a new battery, wheels, steering column and glove box.
And cute, little four-year-old Mr. Apricot lost his pageant crown after flipping off the crowd.
2006-07-04
I apologize...
Sort of. For the past few days, I've been gorging myself on The Wire's second season and Lenny Bruce, HOW TO TALK DIRTY AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE. After almost a month of no caffeine and spotty review books (including one in which a character's eye color changed three times), I felt what better way to celebrate the 4th, besides watching the Korean missiles break up over water, than decadence; pure ass immobile decadence.
2006-07-03
2006-07-02
"They thought I was a terrorist."
A Manhattan face-painter and balloon-animal maker Alexander "Sasha" Alhovsky was riding his bike on a playground when he was tackled and shoved two guns were put to his head. This wasn't a misanthropic mugging of one who would make merry in New York.
It was a bust and Alhovsky found himself in jail for more than four hours because of a case of mistaken identity.
Let's go back a week to the previous Sunday. Alhovsky was in a Starbucks on 66th and First Avenue when he left behind on of the tools of his joy-making trade - a balloon pump.
What would you think?
The Starbucks employee took one look at the item and called the police. Apparently he thought the odd device was a bomb.
Four days later, as he cycled home from Central Park after a successful day clowning around outside the zoo entrance, which he's done for fifteen years, eight cops allegedly jumped on him from behind.
"There was a gun in my face and another on the back of my neck," he said. "They were screaming, 'Get off your fucking bike, you fuck . . . They were dragging me around."
At the 19th Precinct station house, a plainclothes officer came into the interrogation room with a photo of the $850 electric air pump Alhovsky had purchased online.
"I told them what I did for a living and that it was just a pump," Alhovsky said and was released.
He wants an apology from cops.
He won't get one.
"It appears the officers took prudent steps to handle what may have been a dangerous situation," Police Chief Michael Collins said in a written statement.
It was a bust and Alhovsky found himself in jail for more than four hours because of a case of mistaken identity.
Let's go back a week to the previous Sunday. Alhovsky was in a Starbucks on 66th and First Avenue when he left behind on of the tools of his joy-making trade - a balloon pump.
What would you think?
The Starbucks employee took one look at the item and called the police. Apparently he thought the odd device was a bomb.
Four days later, as he cycled home from Central Park after a successful day clowning around outside the zoo entrance, which he's done for fifteen years, eight cops allegedly jumped on him from behind.
"There was a gun in my face and another on the back of my neck," he said. "They were screaming, 'Get off your fucking bike, you fuck . . . They were dragging me around."
At the 19th Precinct station house, a plainclothes officer came into the interrogation room with a photo of the $850 electric air pump Alhovsky had purchased online.
"I told them what I did for a living and that it was just a pump," Alhovsky said and was released.
He wants an apology from cops.
He won't get one.
"It appears the officers took prudent steps to handle what may have been a dangerous situation," Police Chief Michael Collins said in a written statement.
2006-07-01
2006-06-30
From the "They Write Themselves" File
Actual headline:
Operation removes lightbulb from anus
Actual quote from operatee:
"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners."
Actual photos:
Operation removes lightbulb from anus
Actual quote from operatee:
"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners."
Actual photos:
Whfffff....
Laid myself flat on the floor to hang with the kids and the mommies this evening. Reese came over to plunk herself down with the dramatic flair of a Southern Belle with the vapors. When her pajama butt hit the floor a tremendous whffffffffff was emitted - right in my face. It was a fart that stuck to the air and my nostrils and she seemed to revel in placing her butt ever closer to my wincing face as if to articulate this fact all the more. I thanker her for her effort and rolled away.
2006-06-28
Do Not Ask for Whom the Goose Squawks
It squawks for that crazy ass cat that's about to get munched.2006-06-27
Ethel! Ethel! Get the Camera!
Them be some weird clouds!
Many people in Iowa, home of the wonderful Otis Twelve, were so awed, so frightened and so freaked by these clouds, they woke sleeping relatives and called neighbors. Here's a link to photos taken by camera crazy amateur meteorologists.
Many people in Iowa, home of the wonderful Otis Twelve, were so awed, so frightened and so freaked by these clouds, they woke sleeping relatives and called neighbors. Here's a link to photos taken by camera crazy amateur meteorologists.
Do They Have a Clue?
You've heard the news; Axl Rose bit a security guard. But have you read all the different versions of the story? This one is my favorite.
Maybe he and Naomi Campbell should have a Hell in a Cell match.
My money is on Campbell, in the Ballroom with the Cell Phone.
UPDATE: He's fuckin' crazy, oh yeah! If asked whether I believe that Axl Rose bite a security or that the Swedish police detained him fraudulently knowin that "millions of dollars were at stake" - I would go for the over-Botoxed, braid-headed freako rockstar in a heartbeat.
Maybe he and Naomi Campbell should have a Hell in a Cell match.
My money is on Campbell, in the Ballroom with the Cell Phone.
UPDATE: He's fuckin' crazy, oh yeah! If asked whether I believe that Axl Rose bite a security or that the Swedish police detained him fraudulently knowin that "millions of dollars were at stake" - I would go for the over-Botoxed, braid-headed freako rockstar in a heartbeat.
Jack Fights Back
Once upon a time, a retired Kennedy Space Center mechanic, Jack Garrison, spent his days watching the squirrels frolic in his yard.
Frolic, squirrels, frolic.
One day, when Jack woke up, the sky was dark and there was an ominous scent of danger coming from his mailbox. Cautiously, Jack opened it. Inside he found an envelope.
The scent of danger was stronger.
Taking the envelope inside, Jack set it on the kitchen table and went into the other room. He came back
moments later wearing a gas mask, knee pads and a chest guard.
Slowly, he inserted an opener to the envelope.
Out dropped some kind of papers with words on them.
The scent of danger was overwhelming even with the gas masks filter.
Jack moved the paper with his opener until he could read the words on the dull paper.
They were fines.
Fines totally almost $1400!
There were five of them that added up to this horrible amount.
Four were squirrel-related infractions: squirrel at large, squirrel on the beach, squirrel defecating or urinating on public or private property and squirrel disturbing the peace.
His friends were being punished for visiting his home!
He took a look at the last piece of paper.
It was for a barking dog violation.
"What?" Jack thought, "I don't even own a dog!"
"These charges are just plain nuts, " Jack concluded. He took off his gas mask, peeled of the chest protector but opted to retain the kneepads. He whipped out his mighty sword shaped pen and wrote to whom it was concerned.
"No one has a pet squirrel!" Jack wrote angrily. He knew squirrels belonged to themselves.
The city of Melbourne was forced to admit its mistake.
The evil had emanated from someone calling to complain about Jack feeding his friends, the squirrels, in his
backyard. An evil robot/automated computer program spewed out the response accused Jack of illegal behavior with the squirrels and dog that didn't exist.
Jack checked his mail in a few days.
No odor of danger. But there was an envelope.
Inside, an apology.
Frolic, squirrels, frolic.
One day, when Jack woke up, the sky was dark and there was an ominous scent of danger coming from his mailbox. Cautiously, Jack opened it. Inside he found an envelope.
The scent of danger was stronger.
Taking the envelope inside, Jack set it on the kitchen table and went into the other room. He came back
moments later wearing a gas mask, knee pads and a chest guard.Slowly, he inserted an opener to the envelope.
Out dropped some kind of papers with words on them.
The scent of danger was overwhelming even with the gas masks filter.
Jack moved the paper with his opener until he could read the words on the dull paper.
They were fines.
Fines totally almost $1400!
There were five of them that added up to this horrible amount.
Four were squirrel-related infractions: squirrel at large, squirrel on the beach, squirrel defecating or urinating on public or private property and squirrel disturbing the peace.
His friends were being punished for visiting his home!
He took a look at the last piece of paper.
It was for a barking dog violation.
"What?" Jack thought, "I don't even own a dog!"
"These charges are just plain nuts, " Jack concluded. He took off his gas mask, peeled of the chest protector but opted to retain the kneepads. He whipped out his mighty sword shaped pen and wrote to whom it was concerned.
"No one has a pet squirrel!" Jack wrote angrily. He knew squirrels belonged to themselves.
The city of Melbourne was forced to admit its mistake.
The evil had emanated from someone calling to complain about Jack feeding his friends, the squirrels, in his
backyard. An evil robot/automated computer program spewed out the response accused Jack of illegal behavior with the squirrels and dog that didn't exist.
Jack checked his mail in a few days.
No odor of danger. But there was an envelope.
Inside, an apology.
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