For the Boys

The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles!

Yep.

Want a sample?

OK.

RIMMERAMA

HOOTERS AND THE BLOWJOBS

ANAL CHIROPRACTOR

TOPLESS BRAIN SURGEONS

LET'S PLAY ANAL TWISTER

TITALLICA - MASTER OF PUPPIES

SPERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Boo = Beep

A Japanese company, SolidAlliance, that manufactures 'unique' computer storage devices has released a truly novel device. GhostRadar. One plugs the gadget into one's USB port on a and GhostRadar beeps and flashes red lights in response to unusual magnetic waves.


Image courtesy of Shoe Project


Officials won't reveal the exact 'secret' of their alleged ghost detection.
And being a tech ghost-buster won't come cheap, kids. The GhostRadar sells for $185.

SolidAlliance also markets USB thumb drives shaped like rubber duckies and sushi.

Attention Alanis...

This, my dear girl, is ironic*:

Ironic

As is this:

In Jerusalem on Wednesday, an Israeli Arab schoolboy won a school quiz on the history of Zionism and the creation of Israel.

iron·ic
Pronunciation: "I-'rä-nik also i-'rä-
Variant(s): or iron·i·cal /-ni-k&l/
Function: adjective
1 : relating to, containing, or constituting irony
2 : given to irony
synonym see SARCASTIC
- iron·i·cal·ness /-ni-k&l-n&s/ noun

Hollywood.

You can't fool a fool! Stars Wars-a-holics, or Jedi Blights as I like to think of them, have their own conspiracy theories. Told the next will not open in 46 days at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood, fans are already lined up there in anticipation of "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith".

"Even if it's not here, we'll just go see it somewhere else. We're not doing this just for the movie." Besides, she added, "What's the point of lining up at the ArcLight if someone is going to go online and get the best seat in the house?"

But wouldn't that still make more sense than spending a month outside a theater that isn't playing the movie?

"Lining up for anything, what part of that makes any sense?" she responded philosophically.

"The telling thing is -- for me, at least -- if the film is not playing at the Chinese ... I have zero desire to see it at all," a fan who calls himself Obi Geewhyen posted on the message board at Liningup.net. "I'm in it for the lineup only and don't give a darn about the conclusion of this lackluster, so-called 'Star Wars' series."

Hope springs eternal, Sprague said. After the last two "Star Wars" films, "We're all a little beaten down," she said. "But this one could be it!"

And

"Indecency*"on television will be come a criminal offense if Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner III, R-Wisconsin has his way.


Indecency


Cable industry executives attending the National Cable & Telecommunications Assn. conference were told that criminal prosecution would be a more efficient way to enforce the indecency regulations. The current process -- in which the FCC fines a licensee for violating the regulations -- casts "too wide a net", he said, trapping those who are attempting to reign in smut* on TV and those who aren't.

Smut


"I'd prefer using the criminal process rather than the regulatory process," say Sensenbrenner sensibly. People who are in flagrant disregard should face a criminal process rather than a regulator process," Sensenbrenner said. "That is the way to go. Aim the cannon specifically at the people committing the offenses, rather than the blunderbuss* approach that gets the good actors. The people who are trying to do the right thing end up being penalized the same way as the people who are doing the wrong thing."

Blunderbuss

It was unclear exactly how he would go about further criminalizing the indecency statutes. Or what, exactly, how the senator defines 'indecency'.

in·de·cen·cy
Pronunciation: (")in-'dE-s^&n(t)-sE
Function: noun
1 : the quality or state of being indecent
2 : something (as a word or action) that is indecent

smut
Function: noun
1 : matter that soils or blackens; specifically : a particle of soot
2 : any of various destructive diseases especially of cereal grasses caused by parasitic fungi (order Ustilaginales) and marked by transformation of plant organs into dark masses of spores; also : a fungus causing a smut
3 : obscene language or matter

blun·der·buss
Pronunciation: 'bl&n-d&r-"b&s
Function: noun
Etymology: by folk etymology from obsolete Dutch donderbus, from Dutch donder thunder + obsolete Dutch bus gun
1 : a muzzle-loading firearm with a short barrel and flaring muzzle to facilitate loading
2 : a blundering person

Anatomy of an Evil Dictator

For those of you with some time on your hands and a penchant for in depth psychological analysis of screaming despots with bad hair, I give you Adolf Hitler.

Adolf Hitler while listening to a recording of one of his own speeches.
From the Hulton Getty Picture Collection: photos by Heinrich Hoffmann, 1925.

Superpope


"Incredible Popeman", known in life as Pope John Paul II, is reborn a superhero who battles evil with an anti-Devil yellow cape and green chastity pants, the muscular super-pontiff wields a faith staff with a cross on top and carries holy water and communion wine.

In the first episode, the late Polish pontiff meets comic book legends such as Batman and Superman to learn how to use superpowers to battle Satan.

I learned today...

...that the butter from popcorn makes excellent moisturizer.

Tossed Salad

300 hundred kids are kicked out of a California school when the broke school system decides to kick out the kids whose parents don't live in the district.

Jane Fonda is selling her tell all book in which she derides herself and Ted Turner. No matter who it is, nobody railing on anybody deserves money for doing it. But this is America. She'll make a mint.

A hapless Chinese food delivery man, Ming Kung Chen, 35, was stuck in an elevator for three freaking days.

Police in Michigan are hunting down a group of "menacing" turkeys.

It is a balmy 71 degrees here and I am heading outside.

What if...

OK. I had this weird thought.

What if the same people that created Muppet Babies made a show with the same premise but about the band Kiss when they were babies(in make-up, of course)?

Can you imagine Gene Simmon's diaper? Whoooooooooo!

"so I decided to feed them before their teeth grow"

Hla Htay, 40, a relative of a Yangon Zoological Gardens staffer and a lactating mother of three (including a seven-month-old baby), stepped up when trouble was afoot at the zoo.

Two two-week-old Bengal tiger cubs, a male and a female, were separated from their mother after she went Medea.

Htay volunteered to breastfeed the pair of endangered cubs.

"I felt sorry for them so I decided to feed them before their teeth grow," she told the newspaper.


This has afforded me an excuse to find cute cub photos. Thank you, Hla.


Another Penis Post

A Romanian man, who is married and has two children, had a one night stand with another woman. He fell asleep during sex. The woman was irked.

When he awoke, his wedding ring was jammed onto his member in a painful and embarrassing lesson in fidelity. Doctors say the man will recover. Well, physically.

The talkative doctors were also happy to report on another instance of penis placement gone awry.

One man came to hospital with his penis stuck in a cola bottle.

"He looked like a very respectable person. We managed to remove the bottle without harming his sexual organ," a urologist told Opinia Oltenien newspaper.

Surly, Sappy Singer Cyrus Mullet

Billy Ray

No mullet montages would be complete without the man that instigated Mullet Mania in a nation clearly ready to succumb to bad fashion at the drop of a beer can.

Babbling Fool

Or,

It must be Spring, part duh.

Why? Because I watched a really, truly horrible movie because of this:



I am not generally inclined towards celebrity induced hormonal surges. In fact, in other guises, Hugh Jackman does nothing for me:



But it is Spring, and like the doves, my body is driven towards procreation. Unlike the doves, I don't express this by cooing, puffing out my chest and tilting my neck in a sexy manner.

April comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers. - Edna St. Vincent Millay

Of course, Edna also said:

A person who publishes a book willfully appears before the populace with his pants down. If it is a good book nothing can hurt him. If it is a bad book nothing can help him.

And, one of my favorites when I'm feeling jaded, which is a good deal of the time but not today:

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

For now, I am a happy fool, enjoying the sun on my back as I dig in the dirt.

With joy, I bring you advice: How not to get hit by cars.

Stay safe, people!

I admit it...

...in the right circumstance, I am an avowed list lover.

This is one of those instances.

Words and phrases that sound gross, but aren't.

A favorite off the list:

Futtock

Main Entry: fut·tock
Pronunciation: 'f&-t&k
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English votek, futtek
: one of the curved timbers scarfed together to form the lower part of the compound rib of a ship

Daylight Savings Time is a Hoax/Myth/Lie

Really.

Read this.

The Prophecy of St Malacy

112 Popes and then, BAM! - the anti-Christ. We are two Popes away from being completely fucked. Maybe.

t-t-t-toilets!

Pages and pages, photos and photos from a man taking tours of the toilets of the World. But, in a way, aren't we all?

And No Damage Done

In the midst of all the papal updates was news that Neil Young, a major touchstone in my life, is recovering from a brain aneurysm. Young underwent a procedure to treat it on Tuesday night at a New York hospital.


Young indoctrinating the Pretenders into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, March 14



The aneurysm was discovered when Young's vision became blurry after attending the March 14 induction ceremonies for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Merlis said. An examination by a neurologist detected the aneurysm and the procedure was scheduled.

Dr. Pierre Gobin, who performed the procedure with another doctor, said: "Mr. Young had a dangerous brain aneurysm and was treated successfully by the minimally invasive neuroradiology team here. He is now resting comfortably … but we strongly recommend that he not travel for several days."

"I'm really disappointed that I won't be able to make it to Winnipeg for the Junos as I had hoped. I grew up there and was really looking forward to the show as well as spending some time with my old friends and family," Young said. "Thanks to my doctors, I'm feeling a lot better now so I hope I can get a rain check."

Doctors expect a full recovery.

World’s most sensitive scales...

...weigh a zeptogram*. I kid you not, oh not easily kidded readers!

Yoctograms are next!

Then quadrofeltagrams!


And then, if everyone is still in the mood, bibliofractograms!

Oh, the places we will go!


*A zeptogram (10^-21)g) is roughly the mass of a single protein molecule and its detection has set a new record.

"That stinks!"

Some strange person/s stole an $8,000, 30 foot inflatable skunk in an apparently politically motivated act against an anti-proposed sewage plant group. The pro-proposed sewage plant group says they wouldn't put it past the anti-proposed sewage group to steal the skunk in order to gain sympathy for their anti-proposed sewage plant stance.



Peggy O’Connor, owner of Big Sky Balloons and Searchlights Inc., where the balloon was rented, said she will offer a reward for information leading to its safe return.

“To steal a piece of equipment like that from us, that stinks,” she said with a completely straight face.

I'm So Confused

He's dead. He's not dead. He's dead. He's not dead. He's dead. Italian media has given contradictory reports about Pope John Paul's vital signs, first saying his heart and brain activity had stopped and then reporting this was not true...

So reporters on the scene spend fifteen minutes talking about how, ultimately, they don't know.

I've got a link to the AP Breaking Newsline in a vague attempt to keep up with this ongoing confusion.

My brain hurts.