Good enough for me and my ISP

My tenuous path to the internet has been foiled over and over again by my ISP. Their website consists of a continuous loop that, for a while, seems to be helping you to find support then leads you right back to the beginning of the whole rat maze.

The image at left is the actual one from their website. Cringe inducing, isn't it?

There is no phone number on the website. You have to go through support to get that. Support does not recognize my login. When I go through sales to find a human, I get an email with a number that connects me to someone in India who tells me very politely that I need to go through tech to get the help I want. I know that, I tell him. I can't get to tech with your website and all of it's cute little traps.

He gives me the number for tech.

I go through that asinine push this to get this then hold for six hours whilst we play the crappiest hold Muzak you've ever heard. When a human comes on the line, he has the tone of someone who's heard it all before. He says fine, we'll do this and that.

Two days later,and this and that is not done.

Now I have to contact those bastards again.

I got a little snippy in my email. I'm a little upset. I don't want to have to change my ISP because then I have to contact everyone on my email list AND change website settings. Yet I am left with little choice when faced with a corporation set up to irritate.

Off to find something to throw at something I can destroy.

12 Successes in 2005

The Death List. It is a list by morbid list makers and celebrity hounds that strives to figure out who in the coming year will not make it to the next.

35. Ingmar Bergman

43. General Pinochet, who was recently booked, had his fingerprints taken and had his criminal file opened.

UPDATE: 1 Success so far for 2006. Lou Rawls, the lists #1, died today of lung cancer. I loved Lou. I loved trying to sing "You'll Never Find" in as low a voice as possible. I loved that he smiled and enjoyed every moment that he sang on stage.

No Bush Love, No Fly

"Ma'am, I'd like to know how I got on the No Fly Watch List."

"I'm not really authorized to tell you that, sir," she explained after taking down my social security and Texas driver's license numbers.

"What can you tell me?"

"All I can tell you is that there is something in your background that in some way is similar to someone they are looking for."

"Well, let me get this straight then," I said. "Our government is looking for a guy who may have a mundane Anglo name, who pays tens of thousands of dollars every year in taxes, has never been arrested or even late on a credit card payment, is more uninteresting than a Tupperware party, and cries after the first two notes of the national anthem? We need to find this guy. He sounds dangerous to me."

"I'm sorry, sir, I've already told you everything I can."

"Oh, wait," I said. "One last thing: this guy they are looking for? Did he write books critical of the Bush administration, too?"

The Sun? Solid.

I didn't know, either.

Like most other humans, I though it was a giant ball of gas.

Wrong!

Learn about penumbral filaments, the field of heliosiesmology and the hard and rigid ferrite surface that are all involved in our glorious sun.

Wee Cuteness Buffer

Pastor Jail Time

Lonnie Latham, an executive committee member of the Southern Baptist Convention, was arrested on a lewdness charge Tuesday.

He has also spoken out against same-sex marriage and in support of a Southern Baptist Convention directive urging its 42,000 churches to befriend gays and lesbians and try to convince them that they can become heterosexual "if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior and reject their 'sinful, destructive lifestyle."'

Latham asked an officer of the law dressed in plain clothes to join him in his hotel room for oral sex. He was arrested and his 2005 Mercedes automobile was impounded.

The senior pastor at South Tulsa Baptist Church, was booked into Oklahoma County Jail on a misdemeanor charge of offering to engage in an act of lewdness, police Capt. Jeffrey Becker said. Latham was released on $500 bail Wednesday afternoon.

When he left jail, Latham told Oklahoma City television station KFOR:

"I was set up. I was in the area pastoring to police."....

Fixed

Comments, which had been disabled by my lack of HTML knowledge, are repaired.

And I fixed my bad office feng shui!

OOooohhhh, do I feel powerful!

UPDATE: OK. I really fouled something up.

UPDATE OF THE UPDATE: I fixed it. Again. I think.

I have another headache.

For all you rodent lovers

1.) How to put a bunny in a trance

2.) Costumes for guinea pigs

And 40% Sunshine Up your Ass

Dave Letterman greeted Bill with a pleasant "How was your holiday?", Bill responded smugly, "I had a nice winter solstice."

Then Dave, the hero of my day, went on with "I ignore stuff like that, it doesn't really affect me, I go ahead and do what I want." Then, as O'Reilly went point-by-point through each town that has nuttily legislated against even secular Christmas displays, Dave exasperatedly asked him, "Isn't this the kind of thing where every once in 20 years, someone says, 'we have to put diapers on the horses,' and that's all there is to it?"

When he asked Bill if a member of his family ever died in combat, Bill said no, to which Dave replied, "Then you can hardly speak for her, can you?" Dave continued to fight O'Reilly on the topic, saying "I'm very concerned with people like yourself that don't have anything but endless sympathy for someone like Cindy Sheehan." Letterman's kicker came a few moments later, when he said, "I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point on this, but I have the feeling that 60% of what you say is crap."

O'Reilly had recently asked recently if the post-stroke Dick Clark should really be handling something like appearing on the New Year's Eve special as his speech has been affected.

Others who have expressed some degree of dislike for Mr. O'Reilly, O'Reilly Sucks and Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly.

O'Reilly has been reemed before by the one celebrity I'm willing to admit I have a wild schoolgirl crush on, Jon Stewart.

Funky Cold Medina

Do you remember that song?

So do I.

Fuck.

Tone Loc is a bastard.

Besides being the 'love potion' Mr Loc mentions (or maybe this is the 'love potion' Mr Loc mentions), Funky Cold Medina is a drink.

Ingredients:

• 1 oz Vodka (Absolut)
• 1 oz Southern Comfort
• 1 oz Blue Curacao
• Top off with Cranberry juice
• Ice

Mixing instructions:

Serve in a mason jar (!).

Pour over ice and top off with cranberry juice.

A Piece of Me

People in love like to think that their love will last forever.

The diamond industry would like them to think that diamonds are the best, lo, the only way to express this love in a material way. "Diamonds are forever" "Every Kiss Begins with Kaye", "Spend a lot of Money or She Won't Think You Love Her", etc.

But Tobie Kerridge, an attendee of the British Royal College of Art, has another way to say, "I love you forever."

Biojewellry.

Cooing couples submit wisdom teeth and submit to the extraction of a small fragment of jawbone. Cells from the jawbone will be "seeded" on to a ring-shaped scaffold-like structure where, in six weeks, a thungy made of... well, 'them' will have grown.

The piece of 'them' is then crafted into a ring by jewellry designer Nikki Stott at about $11,700 per ring.

Tobie and her team have won approval for the idea and four couples have been selected to undergo the jaw fragment extraction at Guy's Hospital in London.

Matthew Harrison, 25, and Harriet Harriss, 32, who shall exchange bio rings, know that others might find it "disgusting".

But Mr Harrison, a product designer from London, said: "I see it as a set of biological connections instead of something like marriage, a legal connection." Ms Harriss described it as "incredibly poetic".

Lunar Impact

A rare explosion was seen on the moon, most likely caused by the impact of a meteoroid which was most likley caused by a shower of taurids.

The blast was equal in energy to about 70kg of TNT and was seen near the edge of Mare Imbrium (the Sea of Rains).

It probably looked like this except less cheesy.

A paws on the line

"I know it sounds kind of weird," Officer Patrick Daugherty said.

And you know that when a hardened police officer says something is weird, it probably is.

In Columbus, Ohio, Gary Rosheisen man fell out of his wheelchair.

He was unable to get up because of ministrokes that had disrupted his balance and pain from osteoporosis. His medical-alert necklace wasn't on and he couldn't reach a cord above his pillow that alerts paramedics.

Rosheisen was screwed.

But it seems a months long training program that he'd instituted with his cat, Tommy, paid off. Rosheisen had trained his feline friend to call 911. He'd been unsure whether the training stuck.

Police received a 911 call from Rosheisen's apartment Thursday.

There was no one on the line.

They called back, got no answer and decided to check things out.

In the apartment, they found Tommy the cat lying by a telephone on the living room floor.

The phone in the living room is always on the floor, and there are 12 small buttons,— including a speed dial for 911.

"He'’s my hero," Rosheisen said.

The Campaign of Niceness

Every year begins with the Campaign of Niceness foremost in my mind. So far, every year, the Campaign somehow falls to the wayside. If I bring it up, those who know me laugh.

"Campaign of Niceness? This would imply that you are actually attempting to be on your best behavior!"

Those who know me think that is both funny and impossible.

It is not.

Underneath this sarcastic, feisty (I loathe that word but can find no better one to suit), warrior-like exterior of Jen-ness is a person who is -don't laugh, I'm laying this on the line for everyone - essentially shy. A sensitive, thoughtful woman with emotions as deep, vast and turbulent as the ocean.

For various reasons, the least of which was growing up with two snotty older brothers and a harrowing school experience, I developed an armor of words to protect my soft insides. A false bravado to cover up my wounded, gentle self.

I deflected barbs with insults and social gaffes were covered up with PeeWee Herman "I meant to do that" aplomb. As I, let's say, matured, the armor hardened and became impassable to all except those closest. Even then, they were and are treated to a snottiness above the call of duty.

Careful reflection that I apply to myself with a frequency that would surprise many leads me to attempt me to tone down the sarcasm, the stand-offishness, the 'get them before they get you' behavior. To show my soft side -which is most of my being.

So every year I begin a Campaign of Niceness. I make concerted and conscious effort to be nice. To not reflexively protect myself from everyone. To except, to share, to understand.

And every year, either people don't believe and/or they simply laugh their asses off at my efforts.

So here it is.

A manifesto of sorts.

I, Jennifer Jordan, vow to all I care about and even those I have a passing affection for, to be nicer.

There.

Believe me now?

Didn't think so.

Sigh.

It's a nice day for a wet wedding.

"It's not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He's the love of my life," Sharon Tendler said about her marriage to Cindy, a dolphin.

A List! For Drunks!

Modern Drunkard has a list!

A list, I tell you!

Who better in the end than Modern Drunkard to reveal the best list of slang words for inebriation?

They also have Barfly Field Guide and Rum and Marriage.

'Cuz Ima da Popa!

"It becomes ever more important to work together for peace when confronting the situations of injustice and violence that continue to oppress various parts of the world, those that are the new and most insidious threats to peace: terrorism, nihilism and fanatic fundamentalism."

So says the Pope.

Burgundy-haired woman in Wisconsin seen hitting her forehead and grabbing frantically for a V-8.

Everybody Hurts

And it's my turn.

Headache.

Not just a little baby headache, as seen on television. The ones where the character is a bit crabby, furrows her brow (it's usually a her - chicks and headaches go together like - fuck, I've just put a song from Grease in my head) and declares to a world that consists of her office mates, "Argh! I have a headache." She sets files down on her desk as a consoling friend arrives with a look of worry and a bottle of pills if female or a look of concern masking smirky amusement and a bottle of pills.

No, this is one of those whoppers that crawls up your back, over your face, down you arms, into your jaw and it just punches you over and over and over and over.

And it stays.

It doesn't go.

You take something, anything (and now I have Todd Rundgren in my head) and it may back off a bit, like a smelly suitor in a bar after a bitchy rebuff. But is stays, coming back at weak moments, in the car, whilst whittling away at deadlines, when you're having a 'discussion' with one of those people who 'never get angry' yet seem really fucking irritated all the time. Get some therapy, you bastards!

Anyway, as this one has taken residence, I've done my usual scouring on the internet in search of meaningless dribble associated with the affliction my body has seen fit to... share with me.

Oh, the strange things people will do to rid themselves of the dastardly headache!

Candles. Yes, headache candles.

Pepper.

Allopathy.

Grabbing. Seriously. Let me lift the text and you can read it for yourself.

Have someone pull your hair by starting slowly at the back of the
neck and grabbing as much hair in two fistfuls close to the scalp.

Pull for 3 seconds and release, slowly working your way up to the forehead,
releasing and grabbing the next batch of hair with both hands and so on.

Then work backwords along the sides of the head to the rear.

Repeat covering the whole head.

In most non-sinus headaches this has relieved pain
in 10 minutes and can last for hours.

There is a headache stick(with rollerball applicator).


Use of the proper pressure points may relieve an aching head.

Headache jokes:

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew--start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right," exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"

That was far too long a joke to be that damn funny, wasn't it?

It has been suggested that breaking up with an annoying partner will cure a headache.

Which brings us to Emotional Freedom Techniques.

And the ever popular yet much maligned 'good cup of tea' method. Ingredients:

Lavendar
Chamomile
Rosemary
Mint

Put a pinch each of lavendar, chamomile, rosemary, and mint in a coffee filter, and then place it in your coffee maker. Otherwise, place the mixture in a teaball and leave it in a mug with enough water for one serving. Brew. Within about 15 minutes to a half hour of drinking this mix, you should be feeling quite tired and less sore. Be sure to have a comfortable place to sleep, and your headache will disappear.

Magic mushrooms have made their psilocybin covered selves available for headache relief.

Sex works. Why not try that first?

Oh, that's right. Headaches are the popular domain of people seeking to avoid sex. Which is something I don't understand at all.

Could be the lack of sex giving people the nasty head problems. Problem solved for them!

Cleverly, I have taken aspirin and a prodigous amount of water and the evil headache is once again at bay. He's glowering over his frothy beer, tappy his hair-knuckled hands on the bar top. When he turns his back, I'm going to slip a mickey into his drink then scamper out.

What fresh hell he'll give me later, I don't dare think about. But for a while, I shall be free to trip the light not-quite-fantastic-but-not-really-horrible-either as I defy my destiny.

Missing Link Mullet

The first mullet of the New Year had to be a good one. Many candidates stepped up to the plate, men and women alike. But this... this... there was no debate. My left and right lobes for once were of an accord. There it is in all it's glory - the Sasquatch Mullet.