Everybody Hurts

And it's my turn.


Not just a little baby headache, as seen on television. The ones where the character is a bit crabby, furrows her brow (it's usually a her - chicks and headaches go together like - fuck, I've just put a song from Grease in my head) and declares to a world that consists of her office mates, "Argh! I have a headache." She sets files down on her desk as a consoling friend arrives with a look of worry and a bottle of pills if female or a look of concern masking smirky amusement and a bottle of pills.

No, this is one of those whoppers that crawls up your back, over your face, down you arms, into your jaw and it just punches you over and over and over and over.

And it stays.

It doesn't go.

You take something, anything (and now I have Todd Rundgren in my head) and it may back off a bit, like a smelly suitor in a bar after a bitchy rebuff. But is stays, coming back at weak moments, in the car, whilst whittling away at deadlines, when you're having a 'discussion' with one of those people who 'never get angry' yet seem really fucking irritated all the time. Get some therapy, you bastards!

Anyway, as this one has taken residence, I've done my usual scouring on the internet in search of meaningless dribble associated with the affliction my body has seen fit to... share with me.

Oh, the strange things people will do to rid themselves of the dastardly headache!

Candles. Yes, headache candles.



Grabbing. Seriously. Let me lift the text and you can read it for yourself.

Have someone pull your hair by starting slowly at the back of the
neck and grabbing as much hair in two fistfuls close to the scalp.

Pull for 3 seconds and release, slowly working your way up to the forehead,
releasing and grabbing the next batch of hair with both hands and so on.

Then work backwords along the sides of the head to the rear.

Repeat covering the whole head.

In most non-sinus headaches this has relieved pain
in 10 minutes and can last for hours.

There is a headache stick(with rollerball applicator).

Use of the proper pressure points may relieve an aching head.

Headache jokes:

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew--start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right," exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"

That was far too long a joke to be that damn funny, wasn't it?

It has been suggested that breaking up with an annoying partner will cure a headache.

Which brings us to Emotional Freedom Techniques.

And the ever popular yet much maligned 'good cup of tea' method. Ingredients:


Put a pinch each of lavendar, chamomile, rosemary, and mint in a coffee filter, and then place it
in your coffee maker. Otherwise, place the mixture in a teaball and leave it in a mug with enough water for one serving. Brew. Within about 15 minutes to a half hour of drinking this mix, you should be feeling quite tired and less sore. Be sure to have a comfortable place to sleep, and your headache will disappear.

Magic mushrooms have made their psilocybin covered selves available for headache relief.

Sex works. Why not try that first?

Oh, that's right. Headaches are the popular domain of people seeking to avoid sex. Which is something I don't understand at all.

Could be the lack of sex giving people the nasty head problems. Problem solved for them!

Cleverly, I have taken aspirin and a prodigous amount of water and the evil headache is once again at bay. He's glowering over his frothy beer, tappy his hair-knuckled hands on the bar top. When he turns his back, I'm going to slip a mickey into his drink then scamper out.

What fresh hell he'll give me later, I don't dare think about. But for a while, I shall be free to trip the light not-quite-fantastic-but-not-really-horrible-either as I defy my destiny.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have an acid tulip headache today. That's when there is a not under your shoulder blade that feels like a tulip bulb made of acid threatening to rip your shoulder off. It sprouts up into your neck and blooms in your head.