Oh. Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.

You've caught me at a vulnerable moment.

I've taken a sleeping pill for the first time in weeks and the full effects of it are apparent in my stumbling gait and my babbly nature. Although my mind is going a million miles a minute, I hope this little pill will begin to slow things down enough for to sleep deeply. For tomorrow, I clean.

After all the buying of gifts you're not sure the receiver wants, the holidays are about eating a lot of food in congregations of people who may not spend time with each other under other circmstances.

Preceeding this is the freakish cleaning of the house. I began mopping today. That was just the first mop. It gets of the hairy, baked on, ground in layer so I can attack the deep down evil dirt that resides in flooring that is anything but full on flat.

The kitchen will bring me to my knees with a scrub brush and hands protected by stinky gloves as they did into the toxic and strangely bright cleaning fluid needed to really clean a thirty-five year old floor.

I've no doubt I will eat at least half the Christmas cookies as I perform this task.

There are cats. You can guess what much of the cleaning will be:

• Puke patrol.
• De-furring everything.
• Scrubbing litter boxes.
• Repairing presents that have been munched on whilst I was off cleaning afore mentioned puke.

Then there is the cooking. We serve cipate on Christmas Eve. This means much chopping and slicing shall take place before the wonder that is this multiple meat dish can be served.

Then the Day of happens. Lots of wrapping paper mess. Lots. It was great when we had a dog. He would dive through that stuff with such unrestrained glee he made the whole cleaning process a joy. The cats... not so much.

You get a few days rest and bam! New Year's Eve. Fuck that. Get drunk and try to have as much fun as you can or your whole year will be shit. Again, fuck that. I hang with a low key group, drink lovely wine, eat wonderful food, watch movies and play poker - badly.

You won't get the debate about what Christmas is about from me (a pagan holiday optioned by the Church to spread the name of Christ and to keep those damned pagans from dancing naked in the garden that has turned into the last ditch effort for many retailers to make quota and have their CEO's earn their massive bonuses as ruffians roam the countryside stealing inflated Santa's and bright lights from the festive).

It's time to be with people you love, watch them open those presents you aren't quite sure they'll like and everyone eats until they go into food comas in front of the television. That's what this is all about, people. Don't forget that.

As per annual habit (let's not even elevate this to tradition) here is the yule tide fruit cake recipe:

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or somethnig.

Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar into the bowel. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whisky again and go to bed.

Which I shall do. It's to the point where I start typing semi-colons instead of l's and that's my brains way of telling me to go supine.

B'bye......