When Bosses Attack

We've all had one at some point. A boss, a superior, that can make five or more days a week anything from irksome to a living hell. An article called, "Is Your Boss a Psychopath?" may hit the proverbial nail on the head for many. Did you cringe when you read the title of this post? Read the article.

My history runs the gambit of experiences.

I've been hit on ("Come, sit on my lap. I have a roll of quarters for you...") by two different bosses. One of them had hired me strictly on an alleged similarity to Kate Jackson.

One had absolutely no sense of personal space. She had a communication style that consisted of putting her heavily made up face right next to mine as if she thought I couldn't understand her unless her two eyeballs had visually merged into one. One day, after swallowing the stress for too long, I actually broke out into hives that dissipated ten minutes after I left work. This workplace phenomena has been studied by people that study things.

Below, I share links and laughs that I hope will ease this Friday for you.

Despair.com provides lovely, pessimistic images for those on the brink.

My late night haunt when in research mode, Wikipedia, has an enlightening entry on

administrative incompetence

BadBossology has an extensive site dedicated to the verbal abusers, the liars, narcissists, martyrs and, one of my personal favorites, the passive-aggresives.

Work Wisdom

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Ever wondered what your boss puts on your performance appraisal?

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings,
they did it by killing all those who opposed them.