Nothing is too difficult for the Tiny Tailor!

Perilous Journey #9

The Future Mrs. Dave White

"When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday."

A blistering comedy “tribute” to President Bush by Comedy Central’s faux talk show host Stephen Colbert appeared at the White House Correspondent Dinner Saturday night and left in his wake an grim faced Bush and a tweaked media. No need for me to relate the finer points as Editor & Publisher did a fine job. Many are pleased with the Bush bashing and don't hesitate to say as much.

As I serenly surfed the web this morning, I couldn't help but notice this little tid-bit: FBI Investigated 3,501 People Without Warrants. Warrentless wiretaps; not just for the NSA anymore.

In the muffled laughter department, news that it cost the government 1.4¢ to make every penny.

A fourteen-year-old beat the crap out of a man who tried to attack her.

I'm sure we're all wondering what the hell Keith 'Keef' Richards was doing up in a palm tree.

And, direct quote from the article: "Evolutionary biologists have traced the origins of laughter back 4 million years to pre-humans slipping and stumbling in their first faltering attempts to walk on two legs."

So, basically, we can laugh because our ancestors fell on their asses and farted. Seems about right, doesn't it?

Important Safety Tip #34

Caffeine and vitamins do not replace meals.

A Year Later...

I'd yapped with Colin Bateman about getting a website.

"Dude," I wrote in the ineffable and odd way I do, "all the searches I do allude to out of date interviews and ancient reviews. You've got to get a website!"

Because I'm not the only one who had suggested this, Mr. Bateman went and got himself one. It only took me a year to figure this out.

If you have yet to read DIVORCING JACK(which took Bateman from slushpile to local demi-hero), once again, go forth and purchase. I have a deep and abiding love for CHAPTER & VERSE, which not so subtly pokes fun at the publishing world.

Why Write?

Sarah has opened my eyes to yet another twist on the staid form of crime fiction, Ian Sansom. Here are Mr. Sansom's feelings about what makes us put fingers to keyboard:

Why do I write? Good question. In my experience most books are used by authors and by readers just to waste time, or as a pretty basic means of self-amusement - books used like mental knitting, or television - and there's nothing wrong with that. But you know sometimes when you underline things in books, or when you fold down the corner of a page? I'd like to write the kind of books you underline in, the kind where you fold down the corners of the page, so that when it comes to moving house, or clearing stuff out, you might hesitate for a moment before piling the book in a bag with all your old shirts with the frayed cuffs and collars, and all your other broken consumer durables, ready to take to the dump, or the Oxfam shop, and you might open up at the page where you've folded down a corner, and think 'Huh'.

If this leaves you wondering which book to pick, may I pass on Sarah's suggestion. THE CASE OF THE MISSING BOOKS

The Last Time

The last time I was in New York, this woman took my cab.

Leavetaking

It's blustery!

I am afeared my flight shall be turbulent!

I forgot to get Dramamine!

Oh, no!

And, I'm up an hour too early because someone's alarm clock, the kind with the two bells and the clacker that rings really loud, is continuing to go off every ten minutes!

There it goes again!

Get up!

Get up!

Turn the evil alarm clock off!

Snooze has been smacked once again.

On a day like today (blustery!), one can understand the reasoning.

Tire tracks all across your back, I can see you've had your fun

Tomorrow sees me in New York for the first time in ten years.

At some point today, I will experience the pre-trip "have I packed everything for any bizarre circumstance that could occur" stage which a friend once treated with medicinal amounts of hot saki.

That will go under Important Safetly Tips:

Do NOT drink hot saki before a trip. If you forget something and have to dash through the airport O.J. style, the saki will not like it. The warm cookie Midwest Express offers will seemingly mollify the saki but do NOT be fooled. The turbulence involved with landing will arose the monster with terrible consequence. Have mutliple air sick bags at hand and watch out for small children.

Anyway, I'm not afraid of flying despite a few harrowing flights. I have a fear of forgetting something.

This fear is well founded. I forget things consistently. Mentioned on this blog was an instance of my driving along suddenly wondering if I'd forgotten my keys. As they were in the ignition, this was impossible. Another duh! moment brought to you by a slight case of OCD.

For any who would ask, I am not yet excited about the trip. I'll be excited when I get there, get my stuff stowed and make contact with the city. Until then, I will be a contained freak. A slight manic gleam in my eyes will give me away to the observant. To all others, I will appear calm - perhaps even mildy bored.

I'm bringing my behemoth of a digital camera with me for jaunts around a city I love and miss. No pics of normal tourist stuff. I got over that stage in a night mentioned here a while ago. I take pics of gargbage heaps, people that speak to absent goddesses as they shuffle down the street, graffiti and assorted weirdness. New York provided ample weirdness.

I fit in rather well.

The "Please, Let Me Out" Mullet

Just for you.......

That Ken. What a polyester hottie!

Sunshine On My Shoulder

...gives me sunburn. Big, nasty sunburn. That's what I get for hanging in the garden all day on what was a stunningly beautiful day, yesterday. The birds were singing, the sky was spotted with white, puffy clouds and a blue dragonfly buzzed around looking for tiny, mosquito meals. It was so horribly wonderful, I thought I was in a Disney movie. Until I went inside and saw the color of my skin.

Whoops.

Today and tomorrow I shall be indoors hanging with a three year old pal of mine who, if given his way, will have me listening to massive amounts of U2 as he dances as only a three year old can. He even has a black knit hat that is his official "Edge" hat.

The song in my head for the past few days: Marie, Marie by the Blasters.

?

Do You Have Change for a Gazillion?"

"The Department of Defense has increased its investment in new equipment from $700 billion to $1.4 trillion in the coming years," so sayeth ABC analyst Tony Cordesman, who also holds the Arleigh A. Burke Chair in Strategy for the Center for Strategic and International Studies.

Afternoon Delight

In order from top to bottom: Buffy, Tara, Jester, George.
Finney was running around like a maniac and all photos are furry blurs.

Have farm, will travel

Another bit of verbiage from your humble narrator...

Check out the all girl, all the time edition of Demolition Magazine, edited by the lovable Bryon Quertermous.

Besides my own tale, there are stories by Sarah Weinman, Sandra Ruttan, Patricia Abbott, Aliya Whiteley, J.T. Ellison and Kim Harrington.

Would you like to see a magic trick?

Gut Dozer

Hanging Around

Watched

Bring out yer dead!

It's a case of the plaque that doesn't involve Rickards!

A Los Angeles woman is in stable condition after being confirmed as having bubonic plague.

The unidentified woman was admitted to a hospital on April 13 with a fever, swollen lymph nodes and other symptoms. A blood test confirmed the plaque and she was given antibiotics.

Although bubonic plague is not contagious, if left untreated it can morph into pneumonic plague, which is. Bubonic plague is usually transmitted to humans from the bites of fleas infected by rodents.

Dog Tired

Keep on rockin' in the free world.

My heroes have always been outspoken.

Neil Young is that. The man has never hesitated to state an opinion, never backed down from a fight and he fought his way back from the brink with fire in his eyes.

"Living with War", a ten-track set recorded by a "power trio" -- electric guitar, bass and drums -- plus trumpet and a 100-member choir -- as Young states in a news scroll on his website: "I think it is a metal version of Phil Ochs and Bob Dylan ... metal folk protest?"

The crawl goes on to reveal the lyrics of the album's title track, with such lines as:

"And when the dawn breaks I see my fellow man

And on the flat-screen we kill and we're killed again

And when the night falls, I pray for peace

Try to remember peace."

You've no doubt heard a song has been recorded called, simply, "Let's Impeach the President."

I watched an interview with Young on CNN well after I should have been alseep. So tired my head wobbled, my eyes were twitchy and my voice was ragged. But I sat there, grinning, yelling, "Yeah, Neil! Take it to the people! Whoo!" Then I shut up and listened.

In that calm, nasal twang of his Young explained how he couldn't not write this song and that when he was done, the test audience of a hundred people stood up and cheered.

CNN builds on the story:

"Living with War" appears to bring Young full circle from a more pro-Bush administration stance he took in the months following the September 11 attacks. Not long after recording the song "Let's Roll," a tribute to passengers who apparently fought back against hijackers on doomed United Airlines Flight 93 over Pennsylvania, Young came out publicly in support of the U.S. Patriot Act. The legislation, which gave law enforcement authorities broad new powers aimed at bolstering the administration's war on terror, was harshly criticized by some as threatening civil liberties.

Young has changed his mind. He said, and I paraphrase loosely, that he's proud to be Canadian but his wife is American, his children are American and he's been paying taxes in America for over forty years. He feels he has a right to be heard and respects the opinions of those who disagree - but in America, after we disagree, we should be able to sit down and break bread together.

Editor & Publisher covers the story but the best all out blanketing of the subject is at a blog called Neil Young News. I was amused to see that Fox News crawler stated that Young "attacks America" when he condemns the President.

It's isn't about pure two party-politics; it hasn't been for a long time. It's about freedom.

Perilous Journey, Part IV

Loving Him Tender Could Land Them in the Jailhouse Rock

OK.

That was the worst post title of all time.

But it had to be done.

The organizers of the Parkes Elvis Festival in the central west of NSW are all shook up. It seems the likeness and name of Elvis Presley have been bought out by a billionaire! This could put a festival of look-a-likes in Heartbreak Hotel if all they have is a curled lip and some hip action with which to emulate their King.

For the more than five thousand people who travel to Parkes to see the pod of impersonators, this could leave them lonesome tonight.

If given his druthers, the unnamed rich dude will do it his way by only allowing Elvis impersonations at a show he hopes to open in, of all places, Las Vegas.

The festival's hard headed woman, Monique Kronk, hopes the festival isn't returned to sender.

"Obviously we'll have to speak to Elvis Presley Enterprises and maybe we can negotiate some sort of license that will cover for the whole festival - festival goers coming - we don't know enough yet about the situation."

Until they know for sure, everyone will have suspicious minds.

Got Books?

Active duty soldiers recovering from wounds received in Iraq are bereft of reading material.

You can imagine the books one might find in a hospital in Germany. Many authors, including Robert Ferrigno and T. Jefferson Parker have sent boxes of books over and you can to - hardcover, arc's, paperback, etc. If you've got it, they'll read it.

This program was put together by Mary Ann Phillips, the mother of a wounded soldier.

Send books on to:
21st TSC, Medical Transient Detachment
ATTN: Soldiers' Angels, Mary Ann Phillips
UNIT 23203
APO AE 09263

Anything sent to an APO address gets shipped regular mail; thusly the mailing expense is not cost prohibitive. That's a big word for me in my current state of mind. I've really impressed myself.

A Wildlife Incident

Dozing in bed this morning when I heard a loud pop.

Looked up.

The clock was out.

Another damn squirrel has gone up in flames after chewing on the electric wire.

There are a few of the bushy tailed rodents that have survived being fried. One has singed his coat and tufts are missing all over his wee rodent body. Another has neurological damage and can't stay upright as he eats. We call him Lefty because he always falls on his right side.

What, you think we'd call him Righty?

How about Stupid?

Or Danger Junkie?

Or Volt Monger?

Lay an Ass

"I'm going to be a little late..."

He Hasn't Seen His Feet in Years

A Mullet in the Sun

There's No Egg in There, Kid!

Further Horrifying Kitten Cuteness

Lessons Learned

House guests have headed home and life returns to a semblance of normal at the Jordan casa. I've learned some important things in the past week about having kids in the house:

1. The door will be opened and closed with enthusiasm at least twenty times an hour when the weather is nice.

2. Re-learn the habit of locking the bathroom door. Really. This is an important one.

3. Come to terms with the frequent use of the word why in all questions with "Why?" being the only word in the question consistently.

4. Chalk is better when it's wet.

5. When the sun comes up, so shall ye be up.

6. Life moves on.

Befuddled Mullet

Gone Away

I want him to stay.
I beg him to stay.

His soul is at the window,
Hanging on by fingertips.

Coaxed inside,
He lays in the bed.
It will get better, I say.
He doesn’t believe me.

I’m there after dusk.
He is there,
in the bed,
Awake, and angry and anxious.
What the hell, he asks.
A month gone from home,
Leaves gone green to dead.
What the hell.

I am there
in the morning haze.
He lays in the bed.
I ask him to smile.
He does.
He says her name.
He holds my hand.
OK.

I am there,
Standing in sun.
He lays in the bed.
He holds my hand tight,
Because I ask him to.
I look in his eyes.
I see him in there.
He can’t get out.

I am there,
in hallway light.
He lays in the bed.
His body is filled with fever.
Taking a cloth to his head,
I see his eyes,
Filled with questions, sorrow.
I hold his hand.

I am there,
but not there.
He lays in the bed.
His eyes are open,
But they don’t see me there.
He doesn’t know me,
Anymore.
I hold his hand.

Today when I see him,
Laying in the bed,
I will tell him to leave.
It’s OK,
It’s time for him
To find peace.

He is gone.

I hold his hand to
My wet cheek
And kiss him goodbye.



For my Dad, who is a part of the light that made us all.

Inanity!

Oh, there are sooooo many places to go if you're bored or avoiding a mundane task.

The newest little weirdo site: celebrities eating dot com! A tidbit from that site below.



In other news, a man was detained from his flight by British anti-terrorism authorities because he was singing! Was he really that bad? Did they fear for the sanity of his cabinmates? Were they taking him to a secret location where William Hung is waiting to have a sing-off? And, oddly, this is not the first time the Clash have been involved in a situation like this.

Stubbing your toes on a frequent basis as you head to the bathroom at night? Stub no more!

Learn how to make swell cocktails from Peeps!

Bad song in my head today, thanks to the hold music at my doctors office: ABC's (God, remember them?) Be Near Me. A crap song of infinite proportions. The lyrics are so abyssmal, I expect this song to be covered any second now.

The message is perfectly simple
The meaning is clear
Don't ever stray too far
And don't dissappear
Ever had the feeling, almost broke in two?
Never had that feeling like you do, You do?
All my dreams came true last night
All my hopes and fears
All my dreams came true once more
In tears, in tears
Be near me, be near, be near...
Never had that feeling until I first met you
Never felt like kneeling. Now I do. Yes I do.
Be near me, be near
What's your reputation? Ecstasy!
What's your destination? Next to me!

Let's finish with a nonsensical photo!

WARNING: Content produced by energy drink and granola bars containing almonds. Not repsonsible for furrowed brows, slapped foreheads or slack jaws. Spelling is a privilege, not a right.

Kissing Tile

People who have died in the bathroom:

• Agamemnon, distinguished hero of Greek mythology during the Trojan War, slain by his wife Clytemnestra alone in a bath, a piece of cloth or a net having first been thrown over him to prevent resistance.

• Seneca the Younger (ca. 4 BC – AD 65) committed suicide in his bath, according to Tacitus.
• Elagabalus, Emperor of Rome (203 - 222), murdered by the Praetorian Guard, along with his mother, Julia Soaemias, in the Emperor's latrine, where the pair had gone to hide
• Arius of Alexandria, founder of Arianism (256 - 336), died of a flux of his bowels, possibly as the result of poisoning
• Edmund Ironside, King of England (989 - 1016), allegedly stabbed in the bowels while using the toilet
• James I, King of Scotland (1394 - 1437), murdered while trying to flee through his bathroom into the sewers. A lady-in-waiting, Lady Catherine Douglas, attempted to keep the door closed to protect the King, but the killers smashed down the door and broke her arm.
• Uesugi Kenshin, Japanese warlord (1530 - 1578), allegedly died while sitting on the toilet
• Henry III, King of France (1551 - 1589), murdered by a monk while leaving his toilet
• Arthur Capell, 1st Earl of Essex (1631 - 1683), committed suicide in the Tower of London while sitting on the toilet
• George II, King of Great Britain and Ireland (1683 - 1760), died of an aortic dissection while using his toilet.
• Jean-Paul Marat, French Revolutionary (1743 - 1793), stabbed to death by Charlotte Corday in his bathtub
• Reginald Heber, English bishop and hymn writer (1783 - 1826), died of an apoplectic fit while in his bath
• Sir John Sparrow David Thompson, Prime Minister of Canada (1845 - 1894), died of a heart attack in the bathtub while visiting with Queen Victoria at Windsor Castle
• Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, Founder of Ahmadiyya religious movement (1835 - 1908), allegdely died of cholera in Lahore in toilet
• The victims of George Joseph Smith, the "Brides in the Bath Murderer":
  • Beatrice Constance Annie, died 1912
  • Alice Burnham, died 1912
  • Margaret Elizabeth Lofty, died 1914
• Lupe Vélez, Mexican actress (1908 - 1944), committed suicide with Seconal, found dead on the floor of her bathroom
• Maria Montez, Dominican actress (1912 - 1951), drowned in her bathtub after presumably suffering a heart attack
• Tod Browning, American film director (1880 - 1962), died on the floor of friends' bathroom after having had surgery for throat cancer
• Dorothy Dandridge, American actress (1922 - 1965), of an overdose of Imipramine, in the bathroom of her apartment in New York City
• Lenny Bruce, American comedian (1925 - 1966), died of a morphine overdose in the bathroom of his home in Beverly Hills, California
• Evelyn Waugh, English writer (1903 - 1966), died while sitting on the toilet
• Vivien Leigh, British actress, (1913 - 1967), of tuberculosis, found dead on the floor of her bathroom
• Charles Chaplin Jr., American actor (1925 - 1968), died of a brain embolism on the floor of his grandmother's bathroom
• Albert Dekker, American character actor, (1905 - 1968), of auto-asphyxiation in his bathtub
• Thomas Merton, American Trappist monk and author (1915 – 1968), died by being accidentally electrocuted in his bathtub in a hotel in Bangkok.
• Judy Garland, American actress and singer (1922 - 1969), died of a drug overdose in the bathroom of her London house
• Jim Morrison, American singer (1943 - 1971), died in the bathtub of his hotel in Paris, of a heart attack
• Louis Kahn, Estonian-American architect (1901 - 1974), died of a heart attack in the bathroom of Pennsylvania Station in New York City
• Elvis Presley, American singer (1935 - 1977), died of a heart attack in the bathroom of his home, Graceland, in Memphis, Tennessee
• Claude François, French singer (1939 - 1978), died of electrocution from changing a light bulb while taking a bath.
• Nancy Spungen, girlfriend of Sid Vicious (1958 - 1978), died of stab wounds to the stomach
• Walter Martin, American Evangelical minister, (1928 - 1989), died of a stroke while on the toilet.
• Jack Nance, American actor, (1943 - 1996), died of blunt force trauma to the head, two days after being involved in a brawl, found dead on the floor of his bathroom
• Don Simpson, American film producer (1943 - 1996), died of a heart attack on the toilet
• Edmond Safra, international banker (1932- 1999), died in the bathroom of his penthouse apartment in Monte Carlo, Monaco, during a fire
• Robert Pastorelli, American actor (1954 - 2004), alleged to have been found on the floor of his bathroom, of a heroin overdose
• Domino Harvey, fashion model turned bounty hunter (1969 - 2005), daughter of actor Lawrence Harvey, found dead in her bathtub from an overdose of fentanyl
• Eddie Guerrero, professional wrestler, (1967 - 2005), found dead in his hotel bathroom, while brushing his teeth, due to heart failure caused by previous years of steroid abuse.

The Cozy Writer

The Hard-boiled Writer

"Your life story would be called, 'When Bubble Wrap isn't Enough.'

Kami Andrews, star of such great films as 'Go Fuck Yerself,' 'Throatbangers 3' and who could forget, 'Riveted Rectums' has taken the time and trouble to come up with a list. A list that she describes thusly:

These are just goofy things I have heard from some of you favorite porn stars,
I have also said several of them myself!

Here are a few examples:

"Kiss me, I have morphine in my teeth."

"That actually feels really good, not like the other times when I was moaning. Then I was faking."

"There's no way she's gonna be at the booth in the morning she has a speed problem."
"Are you kidding, at least she'll be up, unlike the alkies."

"Ugly people shouldn't be able to handle food."

Once Upon a Time

"To the bemusement of the tourists and a third grade class shepherded by a portly teacher, the woman crouched naked near the fourteen-foot mammoth and urinated."

- The Program, Gregg Hurwitz

This, in my opinion, is one of the best first lines I've read. And every year, the best first line of that year of crime fiction novels is celebrated by the Ross Thomas First Line Award. Nominations are being accepted now at this link. Submit now, you crazy first line loving maniacs!

Homegrown Cuteness Buffer