When Re-Decorating Goes to the Dogs... and Kids

And, as an extra added bonus: The Dirt Art Gallery

From the "They Write Themselves" File

Actual headline:

Operation removes lightbulb from anus

Actual quote from operatee:

"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners."

Actual photos:


Laid myself flat on the floor to hang with the kids and the mommies this evening. Reese came over to plunk herself down with the dramatic flair of a Southern Belle with the vapors. When her pajama butt hit the floor a tremendous whffffffffff was emitted - right in my face. It was a fart that stuck to the air and my nostrils and she seemed to revel in placing her butt ever closer to my wincing face as if to articulate this fact all the more. I thanker her for her effort and rolled away.


Ethel! Ethel! Get the Camera!

Them be some weird clouds!

Many people in Iowa, home of the wonderful Otis Twelve, were so awed, so frightened and so freaked by these clouds, they woke sleeping relatives and called neighbors. Here's a link to photos taken by camera crazy amateur meteorologists.

Do They Have a Clue?

You've heard the news; Axl Rose bit a security guard. But have you read all the different versions of the story? This one is my favorite.

Maybe he and Naomi Campbell should have a Hell in a Cell match.

My money is on Campbell, in the Ballroom with the Cell Phone.

UPDATE: He's fuckin' crazy, oh yeah! If asked whether I believe that Axl Rose bite a security or that the Swedish police detained him fraudulently knowin that "millions of dollars were at stake" - I would go for the over-Botoxed, braid-headed freako rockstar in a heartbeat.

Theft Proof

A Journey Too Perilous

Jack Fights Back

Once upon a time, a retired Kennedy Space Center mechanic, Jack Garrison, spent his days watching the squirrels frolic in his yard.

Frolic, squirrels, frolic.

One day, when Jack woke up, the sky was dark and there was an ominous scent of danger coming from his mailbox. Cautiously, Jack opened it. Inside he found an envelope.

The scent of danger was stronger.

Taking the envelope inside, Jack set it on the kitchen table and went into the other room. He came back moments later wearing a gas mask, knee pads and a chest guard.

Slowly, he inserted an opener to the envelope.

Out dropped some kind of papers with words on them.

The scent of danger was overwhelming even with the gas masks filter.

Jack moved the paper with his opener until he could read the words on the dull paper.

They were fines.

Fines totally almost $1400!

There were five of them that added up to this horrible amount.

Four were squirrel-related infractions: squirrel at large, squirrel on the beach, squirrel defecating or urinating on public or private property and squirrel disturbing the peace.

His friends were being punished for visiting his home!

He took a look at the last piece of paper.

It was for a barking dog violation.

"What?" Jack thought, "I don't even own a dog!"

"These charges are just plain nuts, " Jack concluded. He took off his gas mask, peeled of the chest protector but opted to retain the kneepads. He whipped out his mighty sword shaped pen and wrote to whom it was concerned.

"No one has a pet squirrel!" Jack wrote angrily. He knew squirrels belonged to themselves.

The city of Melbourne was forced to admit its mistake.

The evil had emanated from someone calling to complain about Jack feeding his friends, the squirrels, in his
backyard. An evil robot/automated computer program spewed out the response accused Jack of illegal behavior with the squirrels and dog that didn't exist.

Jack checked his mail in a few days.

No odor of danger. But there was an envelope.

Inside, an apology.


The Teeming Thousands

Roger Dier: rat hoarder.

Quothe Nancee Tavares, Petaluma Animal Services manager man, "Not many people like rats," said. "They have a bad rap."

Dier's landlord, Saverio DiTomaso, stumbled upon the vigorous vermin a few weeks ago after the keen and sharp smell of urine and small, furry things scampering about clued him in what about inside: hundreds of rats in cages, around the house, jumping in and about his bed, flurrying about the floors and burrowing below the basement, leaving their residential rat holes in the soil outside. Hmmmm........... what a living blanket of love!

A Conspiracy of Cartographers?

Yuppie Mullet

Small photo but quite effective, I think.
His pick-up line:
"Hey, are you a model?"
His favorite beer:
Coors Light
His hair-dresser:
His mom



...or, Mass Inflation

From I Don't Wanna Witness This News

Below I have an actual news story with actual headline. I couldn't re-write it better.

Malfunctioning penile implant raises embarrassment, lawsuit

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) -- A former handyman wins more than 400-thousand dollars from a medical device maker's insurance company.

Charles Lennon received a penile implant in 1996 that he says has caused him to have an erection for ten years.

The Dura-Two was designed to allow impotent men to have sex, but also be positioned so it wouldn't be noticeable at other times.

But after Lennon had the operation, he couldn't position the implant downward. His lawyer says Lennon is embarrassed to go out in public.

Today's decision by the Rhode Island Supreme Court awards Lennon 400-thousand dollars from the manufacturer's insurer. Company lawyers had argued the implant worked properly.


Saddam ends hunger strike after missing one meal.

What a wuss.

We are very amused.

Weirdness Abounds

William Perry, former secretary of defense under Bill Clinton, and Ashton Carter, Clinton's assistant secretary of defense, are all for a pre-emptive strike to destroy the missile.

"The United States should immediately make clear its intention to strike and destroy the North Korean Taepodong missile before it can be launched," said their peice in the Washington Post.

Now, get this.

Cheney (bit of a war monger, yes?), told CNN that, while "I appreciate Bill's advice," such an action could worsen the situation.

"I think, at this stage, we are addressing the issue in the proper fashion ... obviously, if you are going to launch strikes at another nation, you better be prepared to not fire just one shot. The fact of the matter is, I think, the issue is being addressed appropriately."

Is that weird or what?

Actually, this is weird.

And so is this:

I mean, dude, put on some sunblock before strolling the docks with your girl!


Taking Another Crack at It

The Good Stigma

Chinese scientists have discovered an orchid growing in harsh conditions defies gravity to twist its male sexual organs 360 degrees to fertilize its female organ.

Unlike other self-pollinating plants, the orchid doesn't appear to use sticky fluids or other methods to ensure the pollen reaches the egg. The flower still has signs of features for cross-pollination, but it no longer secretes nectar or odour to use them.

Instead, the pollen-bearing anther uncovers itself and rotates through 360 degrees to insert pollen into its female cavity, the stigma.

The Holcoglossum amesianum orchid is shown in its natural habitat during the flowering season.  (Courtesy of LaiQiang Huang, Tsinghua University Graduate School at Shenzhen) The Holcoglossum amesianum orchid is shown in its natural habitat during the flowering season. (Courtesy of LaiQiang Huang, Tsinghua University Graduate School at Shenzhen)

Scenes from Balconies


My Kind of World Cup News

Knowsley Safari Park in Merseyside is suffering from a plague of thefts.

The 120-strong troop of baboons have been stealing the windscreen wipers for a while. But, of late, they have moved on to stealing World Cup flags.

"Many people are wisely removing them before going on the safari drive," reports Safari Park general manager David Ross. "If they forget the baboons usually take them."

Here are a few football photos for fans following the on-field fracas:

Spanning the Globe

for the latest in penis news!

First up, Hindu pilgrims in the Jammu/Kashmir area have complained against local authorities. It seems the entire purpose of their pilgrimage, an ice stalagmite that forms the shape of a phallus, which they regard as a symbol of Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction (breath) had been artificially formed!

It seems the natural ice formation failed to erect in time for the start of the pilgrimage. Arun Kumar, head of the state-run Shri Amarnathji Shrine Board which administers the shrine, stated, "We received some complaints that some people had brought some snow and put on top of the usual Shivling. We don'’t defend that but this is something which has happened in the past."

Says Ram Mahajan, head of Dharam Prachar Mandal, a Hindu group in northern India, "Those who committed this sin should be punished as they were responsible for hurting our religious sentiments."”

Although the size of the stalagmite has varied in previous years depending on the weather, its non-formation this year was a bad omen, some pilgrims said.

Hindus in Vietnam also worship a phallus, or linga, but theirs is less... perishable.

Next on the penis track, a man in India of all places decided to doctor himself when he developed a uritracttract infection. His solution was to insert an 18 inch copper wire into his penis. This caused considerable discomfort after the wire started making its way into his kidney. The wire has been removed.

In further penisosity, the much debated anti-rape device, Rapex, a unit clamps itself to a rapist's penis thereby forcing him to seek medical treatment and face arrest, was scheduled to for 'release' this month. It will be delayed until the end of the year.

And there's more! A witness has disappeared in the case of the "penis pump judge."

Last, but not least, three officers have been honored for finding a man's missing penis after it has been taken out with the trash.

Bring Me... a Herring!

You're a herring.

You're swimming innocently in the ocean.

Suddenly, a group of orcas come a long and start slapping the water with their tails, a tried and true method of stunning you and your kind into submission. Easier to eat you that way.

What is your best bet to survive this mammalian onslaught?


Cooling His Ass Down


Zeig, Meow!

Hitler Cats

The Rainbow Connection

A circumhorizontal arc - caused by light passing through wispy, high-altitude cirrus clouds. The sight occurs only when the sun is very high in the sky (more than 58° above the horizon). What's more, the hexagonal ice crystals that make up cirrus clouds must be shaped like thick plates with their faces parallel to the ground.

When light enters through a vertical side face of such an ice crystal and leaves from the bottom face, it refracts, or bends, in the same way that light passes through a prism. If a cirrus's crystals are aligned just right, the whole cloud lights up in a spectrum of colors.


Mad Cat Lady Speaks Oout

As the universe evolves it came as no surprise to anyone this morning when our other foster mommy, Indira, went into pre-labor. I hasten to add that the other kitties and their excessively cute mommy have found wonderful homes. And yet I readily admit to being a mad cat lady.

I have cats.

I have a simmering, rolling irritation with the world.

This has been made worse by the song in my head today: Leif Garret's "I Was Made For Dancing (Ah-ah-ah-all Night Long!).

This is all augmented by having a rummage sale. No one likes having a rummage sale. And yet we have one. Selling our weird, no longer needed items to hapless strangers.

One item I pulled from the crap buffet for your amusement:

Look at his feet.

Look at them!


How are they holding him up?

This lead me to the Richard Simmons store which lead me to other items - just go see for yourself.

I gotta head outside into the heat and watch people pillage.