Anocht Oidhche Shamhna! (Happy New Year!) Samhain (pronounced Sow-en) or Samhuinn (also pronounced Sow-en I guess) "was (and is) considered a very magical time, when the dead walk among the living and the veils between past, present and future may be lifted in prophecy and divination." It's also a good candidate for the most important historical holiday in the European pagan calendar.

Tips On How You Can Celebrate:

• Sacred colors are black and orange, use these to decorate your home.
• Light candles in memory of loved ones and place them in the windows of your home.
• Find some quite time to do meditation and invocation of the god or goddess.
• Set a place at your Smahain dinner table for deceased loved ones to be there in spirit.
• Exchange cards, emails, or phone calls with other pagan friends.
• Using tarot cards or rune-stones as a meditation or divination device, look forward to the year ahead.
• Create rituals in which you let go of anything old and embrace the new

Sample Samhain Feast Focusing On The Harvest!

• Appetizer: Samhain Sweet Potato Pumpkin Soup
• Side 1: Sauteed Cabbage with Fennel
• Side 2: Rice with Apple And Raisin Dressing
• Main Dish Option 1: Apple Juice Roast Beef
• Main Dish Option 2: Chicken with Port and Raisins
• Dessert: French Apple Pie With Crumbled Topping
• Beverage: Spiced Red Wine with Brandy and Citrus (make up to 6 weeks ahead)

Ah... no thanks, I'll pass.

MSNBC has come up with a list of foods from around the world that I know I wouldn't eat even if my last name were Bourdain and I was paid a lot of money. Starting the fun off? Spiders. Deep-fried, lightly spiced tarantualas that can be washed down with... spider wine (made from fermented rice, spider added later). It's thought the practice was apparently born out of grim necessity in the dark days of the Khmer Rouge.

The list has many shudder inducing items but damn if I can't stand the idea of headcheese. And this was by far the least disgusting thing on the list. Ack.

Scary mullet, super freak

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Monster

A contest at Worth1000.com asked a simple question: If the renaissance took place in more recent times, and the models were famous movie monsters/aliens, what would the artwork have looked like?

Lots of people had lots of weird ideas.

This is one of them.

Madonneration

"I want to direct," she announces.

"We're all in a cult," Madonna says.
"In this cult we're not encouraged to ask questions.
And if we do ask questions,
we aren't going to get a straight answer.
The world's in the cult of celebrity.
That's the irony of it."

"I'm posing the question to everybody: How far are you willing to go?" she says of our collective lust for recognition.



"I'm allowed to be contradictory," she giggles. "

And I'm a paradox,

you know?"

I always thought I should be treated like a star.

"I'm allowed to be contradictory," she giggles. "And I'm a paradox, you know?"

"I don't have many women friends.
It's because I haven't found many who are worldly wise and intelligent.
Then again, I just seem to get on better with boys..."

"I act out of instinct, just like an animal. Suddenly I couldn't stand all that hair of mine and all those baubles any more. That image had to be cleaned thoroughly.
My new look is innocent, straightforward and feminine. I feel perfectly at home in this new skin."
"I'm just like a cockroach. You can't get rid of me."

"It's that old cliché," Madonna explains, "when the world gets you down, you need to be lifted up. Look at the state of the world. People need to be inspired and happy.

"I find it very strange that it's so disturbing to people," she continues.

Toe lickin' good

Once upon a yesterday in far off Luebeck, Germany, Udo Ried, 41, dropped a bread knife.

Down, down, down fell the knife then SHLUNK!

Udo looked down.

OOPS!

Udo had sliced off his second toe.

Udo hopped to the bathroom.

Hop, drip, hop, drip, hop, drip.

Bandage in hand and on foot, Udo hopped back to the kitchen.

Hop, hop, hop.

Udo got to the kitchen when AH!

Udo's cat, Udo's toe in his mouth, ran from the kitchen and out into the garden.

The toe was never seen again.

A Yarn About Where Food Goes

Have some free time and a mind for science? Why not knit a digestive system?

Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers

That title was so damned good as reported in the story, I just couldn't change it. In fact, I have no desire to change any of it - just know that a good smell hit the streets of New York last night and freaked a few people out. The police were harangued with calls and actually went to investigate!

And I actually spelled harangued correctly! Bonus!

That was a very Russel-ish exclamation point but dammit I mean it!

OK - because some people don't want to register to read the article, there it is, complete and funny as hell, below.

Photo by the eminently talented Spencer Tunick

By KAREEM FAHIM

Published: October 28, 2005

An unseen, sweet-smelling cloud drifted through parts of Manhattan last night. Arturo Padilla walked through it and declared that it was awesome.

"It's like maple syrup. With Eggos. Or pancakes," he said. "It's pleasant."

The odor had followed Mr. Padilla and his friend along their walk in Lower Manhattan, from a dormitory on Fulton Street, to Pace University on Spruce Street, and back down again, to where they stood now, near a Dunkin' Donuts. Maybe it was from there, he said. But it wasn't.

Mr. Padilla was not alone. Reports of the syrupy cloud poured in from across Manhattan after 9 p.m. Some feared that it was something sinister.

There were so many calls that the city's Office of Emergency Management coordinated efforts with the Police and Fire Departments, the Coast Guard and the City Department of Environmental Protection to look into it.

By 11 p. m., the search had turned up nothing harmful, according to tests of the air. Reports continued to come in from as far north as 112th Street shortly before midnight. In Lower Manhattan, where the smell had begun to fade, it was back, stronger than before, by 1 a.m.

"We are continuing to sample the air throughout the affected area to make sure there's nothing hazardous," said Jarrod Bernstein, an emergency management spokesman. "What the actual cause of the smell is, we really don't know."

There were conflicting accounts as to its nature. A police officer who had thrown out her French vanilla coffee earlier compared it to that. Two diplomats from the Netherlands disagreed, politely. Rieneke Buisman said it smelled like roasted peanuts. Her friend Joris Geeven said it reminded him of a Dutch cake called peperkoek, though he could not describe that smell.

I Put too much Effort into this Post

In Luther, Oklahoma, a couple has decided to pass on the luck that has been with them for over ten years. This good luck happens to take the form of a fish bone that happens to take the form of Jesus Christ. With an Al Sharpton 'fro.

And now you or another lucky bidder can by it on eBay. Better than the St Mary grilled cheese and the Jesus tortilla. At last check it was up to $71.00 without the reserve being met. I found one here for $2.98 and here for $5.95.

Legend has it that the gafttop sailcat catfish, possesor of the skull bones in question, was chosen by Jesus in His spare time to remind people of His Suffering:

Of all the fishes in the sea

our Lord chose the lowly sailcat

to remind us of his misery.

His body on the cross is outlined.

The hilt of the sword

that was plunged into his side

is clearly defined.

Look at the back of the fish’s bone.

The Roman shield is shown.

When you shake the cross

you will hear the dice being tossed

for our Lord’s blood stained dress.

Those who can hear them will be blessed.

Conrad S. Lantz*







*who is known just
for this little
tidbit

Walk Tall and Carry a lot of Kibble

This is 3-year-old Gibson, a Great Dane from Sacramento, Calif. He has the distinction of being named the world's tallest dog by Guinness Book of World Records on Tuesday after officials who flew in from England measured him. Gibson stands 7 feet tall when upright.

Sandy Hall, Gibson's person, said she never dreamed he would turn out to be the planet's tallest dog but says he is a gift.

It's not easy seeking green

Elmo, after spending a day harrassing innocent tourists for tips on Hollywood Boulevard, was hauled off to hoosegow at gunpoint.

Elmo and his comrades in cuffs, Mr. Incredible and the oft-stolen screamer from Munch's Scream, were booked for aggressive begging. Los Angeles Police Officer Michael Shea said the impersonators were warned. At a meeting last month, the department announced they would start enforcing solicitation and harassment laws. Officers conducted a sting operation by posing as French tourists who didn't understand English or the American tipping culture.

"Make no mistake about it -- I wanted the characters to know what we're doing," Shea said.

In further Muppet News, ABC will continue to debase my happy childhood memories of the Muppets by creating a show called America's Next Muppet. The blame lies firmly with those bastards at Disney who acquired the Muppets for $90 million last year. After witnessing the overwhelming badness that was the Muppet Wizard of Oz, it seems the best we can hope for are flashes of so-so humor.

Disney is milking Kermit's 50th anniversary with a world tour that saw Muppets stop at the Statue of Liberty, run with the Bulls in Pamplona, trade smooches at a kissing booth at the Eiffel Tower, attend a frog-leg festival, climb the Great Wall of China and, naturally, receive a key to Kermit, Texas, where the road show touched down last week.

And now back to our regularly scheduled insanity.

Negative Post Cuteness Buffer XI

We are the terrorists

As CNN wastes their day covering the non-event of possible indictments, the ACLU has released a list of autopsies done on detainees in US custody. Note the use of the word homicide.

The Washington Post compounds this with news I had anticipated. Let me just lift the text from the story as my typing skills diminish when I'm angry:

"The Bush administration has proposed exempting employees of the Central Intelligence Agency from a legislative measure endorsed earlier this month by 90 members of the Senate that would bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoners in U.S. custody.

The proposal, which two sources said Vice President Cheney handed last Thursday to Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) in the company of CIA Director Porter J. Goss, states that the measure barring inhumane treatment shall not apply to counterterrorism operations conducted abroad or to operations conducted by "an element of the United States government" other than the Defense Department."

From a WaPo editorial: "Mr. Cheney's counsel, David S. Addington, was reportedly one of the principal authors of a legal memo justifying the torture of suspects. This summer Mr. Cheney told several Republican senators that President Bush would veto the annual defense spending bill if it contained language prohibiting the use of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment by any U.S. personnel."

This on the heels of repeated denials of the United States of America needing to conform to the Geneva Convention (which saved more than a few American soldiers and hostages in it's time). Apparently, if our government decrees someone a terrorist suspect, our government can torture or kill them at leisure and the rest of the world can say fuck all about it. For any of you who say this is necessary and/or that they've killed innocent Americans, note that we have killed more of them. How can this country be above the law and decree that no one else is?

At complete odds with this, detainees that have gone on hunger strikes are being force fed. There are claims of torture in this issue as well.

Extremes need to be avoided on both sides of this issue. The strongest voice for this is The Dartmouth's Michael Belinsky. "I believe that we should not gravitate towards either extreme -- full permission or full prohibition -- but instead establish a pragmatic policy of evaluating the threats on an individual basis. Such a law would provide the United States with the necessary moral and political authority to protect its citizens from foreign and domestic threats. It will also endow our nation with the greatest responsibility: acting as the world's policeman."

The Making of a Dark Roast Misanthrope

Starbucksalot, java whores and the brand much of America loves to hate, will soon by producing recycled coffee cups "emblazoned with a religious quotation from Rick Warren, the best-selling author and pastor, which includes the line, "You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense."

AND

The Rolling Stones, who I'm not terribly fond of, will 'dig up' a few 'rare tracks' and release them at Starbuckeroos - the place where burnt coffee has become a trademark. The coffee cool kids hope to boost revenue with their little CD kiosks and they've already found a cash cow with Ray Charles' Grammy-winning posthumous album "Genius Loves Company," a nonexclusive release.

I am filled with disgust.

And a few other things not related to this post.

Click this link the the Delocator is you wish to find a coffee house alternative near you.

"...and if you walk to the end of the block, there sits a Starbucks. And directly across the street -- in the exact same building as that Starbucks -- there is... another Starbucks. There is a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks! And ladies and gentlemen, THAT is the end of the universe." - Lewis Black

I Can't Believe it's Butter

1,000lb Butter Sculpture Of Darth Vader And Yoda from the Tulsa State Fair

100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice!!!

A powerful bolt of energy delivered into your body that Steven Seagal precisely blended for lasting maximum performance. So get ready to take on the world with new meaning with Steven Segal’s own Lightning Bolt Energy Drink!

Honk if you see a dead man

A man, as yet unidentified, was riding through the center of Tijauna, just south of San Diego, California and he had a little accident. The driver got up from the ground and fled the scene. Behind him, a dead passenger on the curb. A passenger that had died six hours earlier.

"When the police arrived they took the helmet off the corpse, believing at first that he had died in the crash," said Francisco Castro, a spokesman for the Baja California state police's homicide division. "But he had adhesive tape stuck to his face, a knife wound to his forehead, and showed signs of strangulation."

Castro said the dead man had wraps of methamphetamine in his pocket and an unkempt appearance, which led investigators to believe the killing was drug related.

Wilma, the last hurricane before the Greek alphabet, knocks Al Rocka off his feet.

You can say I'm a schemer...

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

We built this city...

We built this city out of Jello!

Make Mine a Mullet

All he could remember, however, was a poem about "geese and ducks splashing around in a pond".

Missing masterpieces by Stuart Kelly made a lovely read for an archivist at heart, a writer by spirit and an collector of traumatic trivia - namely me.

Dedicated to those potentially world changing pieces, those drafts on napkins, those stolen manuscripts, those misplaced tomes, those destroyed last letters, Kelly has collected stories that amuse, sadden an irk all as the reader makes multiple copies of every scrap of there own writing on four different mediums.

Here is a snippet Missing Masterpeices:

IN 1922, Hadley Hemingway (the first of Hemingway's four wives) was traveling to Switzerland with her husband's effects. At the time Hemingway had written much, but little had been published. He had managed "six perfect sentences", and was already well advanced in a novel about his experiences in World War I. Among the baggage Hadley was transporting was a case with everything Ernest had written to date. Somehow, it was stolen.

In those days, Hemingway's macho, bullish facade was still under construction. The day after Hadley, distraught, arrived without the significant piece of luggage, Hemingway traveled to confirm that "every sheaf, notebook and carbon copy" was gone. It was.

"I remember what I did in the night after I let myself into the flat and found it was true," he wrote. He never revealed whether rage, or booze, or even tears were his response, but he claimed later that he would have opted for surgery if it would remove the memory of the loss. Hemingway had been developing a theory that even if something was edited out of a work of art, its trace would linger. Now he had to face the full ramifications, the reductio ad absurdum, of this idea.

That Ezra Pound and Gertrude Stein had told him to ditch everything he had written and start again must have been of little comfort. Every author produces juvenilia. Most destroy it.

The theft of Hemingway's manuscripts short-circuited the whole process. Had he spent the next 10 years trying to perfect his immature jottings, we may never have seen the novels of which he was capable.

This article consist of tidbits to be found in The Book of Lost Books by Stuart Kelly, which will be available this coming April.

"I promised," she says, "that from now on I would write only for the Lord."

In two weeks, after 25 novels in 25 years, after she coming close to death last year, when she had surgery for an intestinal blockage, and also back in 1998, when she went into a sudden diabetic coma, Anne Rice, the chronicler of vampires, witches and—under the pseudonym A. N. Roquelaure—of soft-core S&M encounters, will publish "Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt," a novel about the 7-year-old Jesus, narrated by Christ himself.

I guess if you were interested in crazy people this is the book for you.

Matthew Baldwin took time out of his busy schedule to pull together an amusing list of...

...actual one-star Amazon.com reviews of books from
Time’s list of the 100 best novels from 1923 to the present.

One of my favorites:


The Confessions of Nat Turner (1967)

Author: William Styron

“My great-great-grandfather is not gay! I don’t know why this William Styron is trying to lie on my great-great-grandfather. Needless to say I am a descendant of Nat Turner and it bothers me that this author is trying to lie to make this book more interesting. I cannot say for certainty that my grandfather was not gay or that he didn’t like white women and neither can this author but I can say that Nat Turner was married and had children and I am a descendant of that union! Other than that idiotic portrayal the book was good.”

Because you want to be cool, like the kids on CSI

Interactive Autopsy.

Have you ever been so bored

you put 'autopsy' into

the Google Image Search?

Art and autopsy
collide.

And now,
a poem about
autopsy*:

In a back room a man is performing an autopsy
on an old raincoat.
His wife appears in the doorway with a candle
and asks, how does it go?
Not now, not now, I'm just getting to the lining,
he murmurs with impatience.
I just wanted to know if you found any blood clots?
Blood clots?!
For my necklace . . .

Russell Edson


*Greek "to see for oneself"

Something Awful Presents....

BAD HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!

Bad News Cuteness Buffer IVX

"Before we got ambushed they had these like kids standing in pairs up along the road."

It's ugly on both sides.

"There's no lie there is a pretty heavy enemy presence up in those mountains. That's where all the enemy hides out because the terrain there is just so difficult to operate in. Because, you know, a marine with his pack and everything will be carrying literally over 100 pounds of gear and you've got these insurgents who are just carrying, you know, like pyjamas and an AK, and they can run like the wind, they know where to hide, they know all the trails and everything."

U.S. soldiers were videotaped desecrating Taliban corpses. The bodies were positioned to face Mecca and burned -- an act of desecration that violates Islamic burial rites and the Geneva Conventions. A U.S. PsyOps specialist broadcast an inflammatory message to the nearby town in order to incite an attack.

"You attack and run away like women. You call yourself Taliban but you are a disgrace to the Muslim religion, and you bring shame upon your family. Come and fight like men instead of the cowardly dogs you are."

The video aired last night in Australia, but has yet to surface in the U.S.

"Wow, look at the blood coming out of the mouth on that one, fucking straight death metal."

UPDATE: The U.S. military said the Army Criminal Investigation Division had opened an investigation into alleged misconduct that included "the burning of dead enemy combatant bodies under inappropriate circumstances."

"This command takes all allegations of misconduct or inappropriate behavior seriously and has directed an investigation into circumstances surrounding this allegation," Maj. Gen. Jason Kamiya said in a statement the U.S. base in Bagram, Afghanistan.

And the runner-up for the bad taste award goes to...

...the makers and advertisers for The Spazz! A hip, happenin' wheelchair that "won't cost an arm and a leg."

I always feel like somebody's watching me pee...

Picture this. You are in a luxurious, five-star hotel in New Zealand. You've had a few drinks and excuse yourself to go to the little boys room. Slamming through the door, you are confronted with something provocative yet horrible. Enticing yet belittling. What do you see?

Chicks.

Cute chicks.

With binoculars, measuring tapes, cameras and the like - all life sized, all looking at you from their perches above the urinals.

The Hotel Sofitel in Queenstown, New Zealand just spent $45 million on a re-do and decided to ask a few local models to look down on visiting men.
"I think they're kind of taking a risk by putting that up," one visitor to the men's room told New Zealand's One News then beat a hasty retreat.

Animated Furniture

Jake Cress crafts furniture unlike any furniture you've ever seen.

From slightly odd to eccentricly clever, these pieces convert a house to a museum of the humorously bizarre. If you've achieved that without Jake, he'll take it over the top.

The pieces are made one at a time, very carefully, by one dusty old guy who works by himself in an ancient log cabin. In a world where furniture makers call themselves artists, Jake pokes fun by building pieces that are designed to make you laugh. He also makes "normal" pieces of almost any style, a few of which are shown here. If you'd like either a funny or traditional piece, contact Jake to discuss particulars. He's most always in the shop, thinking up more designs that will put a little humor into a too serious world.