The annual Valentine's Day sex tour took place yesterday at the San Francisco Zoo.
"This is the most tacky, tasteless, smutty, down-in-the-gutter tour ever created," Jane Tollini robustly reported to the pack of people (adults only) who piled onto two trams. They spent a little over three hours hearing tales of animal fetishes and gay penguins.
Tollini began with penises and moved deftly on to vaginas, including ones "so large you could lose your family and your SUV in them," and to cloacas or "multipurpose holes" useful for urination, defecation, egg-laying and sex.
Apparently the tapirs are among the zoo's most well-endowed residents. Jack the Tapir once injured by stepping on his.... self.
"We soaked it in a tub of betadine for a couple of weeks," Tollini said. "It turned purple, then black, then it atrophied. Then it fell off, and he ate it."