Myth Conceptions

Everyday, hapless human beings are inundated with information, media blitzes, off hand comments and bad advice. We’ve been told that certain things are so by friends that mean well. They heard about it somewhere and lovingly passed it on. We all hear ever-changing opinions espoused by the press in their march towards being the most up to date, only to have the information change the next week. We hear Surgeon Generals, Presidents, Celebrities, Salespeople and our Moms tells us things with a look of earnestness that suggests they're, at least, are convinced. I am here to tell you that sometimes they are wrong.

Myth#1: We Are a Paperless Society

That’'s the way it was supposed to be. Once files, folders and other information fodder were transferred to computers, we would become a paperless society.

At work, every day, I get stacks of paper put on my desk. When I process this paperwork, I have to make 3 copies for other people. When people where I work get emails, they print them and save them in an e-folder. When we receive faxes, there is a cover letter we usually toss. When we do the faxing, we get a report that says whether or not the fax went through. This is usually tossed. Once an hour, the fax spits out a report of all of its faxes. It'’s proud, it'’s done a lot of work, and I don’'t blame it for wanting to show off a little. We take the report and toss it. If a customer is feeling particularly antsy about a deal that'’s about to go through, they fax and email us the same thing over and over and over. It all gets tossed. When someone calls and one of us isn'’t in, the message gets written on paper. When the message is read, the person is called and the message is tossed. There are long, head nodding, drool inducing meetings after which reams of information replacing last week’s information are handed out. Last weeks information gets tossed.

I did temp work for a file storage company at one point. There were two utterly gigantic buildings, four floors high, containing row after row of files that had to be legally stored for three years. Once a year, a year’s worth of files for whole companies would be tossed. Everyday, forklifts would bring in the new files that needed to be cross-matched into the computer system and stored.

When I got a computer at home, within a week I had to buy a filing cabinet. It is full of research, emails, on-line shopping receipts, cool stuff, game cheats, recipes and scads of other things that I lived without in calm happiness before I got a computer.

When my mom joined the computer age, she suddenly needed a filing cabinet. And, it seems neither of us have the proclivity for tossing paper at home that the work environment fosters. We keep everything. From filing cabinets we'’ve moved onto binders. These can be pulled out so that all of that terribly useful information is close at hand and in an indexed format. You never know when you'’ll need to reference the average wing speed velocity of the African Swallow that instant! And I'’m ready!

People love paper. Having a ‘hard copy’ in front of them makes them feel what they hold in their hands is more official. Just try converting hard-core book buyers to e-books.

Conclusion: Paperless society my big white booty.

Myth#2: MTV is Music Television

It was. It ain’'t no more. Not exactly a newsflash but darn it, I’'m irked. They should really change the name of the channel. SCDCSTV a.k.a. Scantily Clad Drunk College Students TV. Or perhaps WBBTV a.k.a. Whiny Boy Bands TV. Possibly TSSHTTV a.k.a. Twenty Somethings Stuck in a House Together TV. OCRRTV a.k.a. Osbournes Commercials and Re-Runs TV. Or, simply, TTV a.k.a. Teen TV. That’s all it'’s really about.

Do you remember way back in the eighties when MTV played music, talked about music, and spoke to musicians? Turn on VH1 when they have an '“I Love the Eighties/Seventies/nineties/Anytime But Now'” show on. You'’ll see bits of music related items from time to time. And lots of really big hair. Didn'’t VH1 play music once, too?

We’'ve moved through the game show phase. We are stuck in perpetual reality show hell now. God, I’'m glad I'’m not in my twenties anymore!

When I plugged the phrase ‘MTV’ into a search engine, a singles site came up that categorized applicants by their love or hate relationship with the cable giant. That is a sad statement about the power of a cheesy cable channel on our national consciousness.

Conclusion: Um, weird notion but, if you want music there are always CD’'s. Music didn'’t always have pretty moving pictures and boobs.

Myth#3: George W is a serious guy and he means serious business!

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

Conclusion: This man is a laugh factory! The sheer comic genius is astounding. My favorite thing is the leaning on the podium and being earnest routine. That just cracks me up! Almost as good as Clinton’'s definition of ‘sexual relations’.

Myth#4: Computer Techs Know How to Fix Computers

What happens every time my computer freezes or crashes and I call the help desk?

If you can get a hold of a live human being, this is what you’ll be told:

'“Have you tried re-booting?”'

I try re-booting and re-booting as my frustrations increases to fist shaking proportions until some hapless co-worker comes by, pats me on the shoulder and says, “'It’'s time.”'

I nod sadly and pick up the phone. Re-booting is a way of life for me; a Zen-like experience that helps me to transcend sanity and elevate me to true, blatant crabbiness.

Here's the Jen vs. Tech convo:

“'Have you tried re-booting?”'

“'About a gazillion times,'” I say tearfully. Right.

There is a heavy sigh at the other end of the phone and a whispered, “'Yeah, another one of those!'”

Then, to help them on their quest to help me, “'What were you doing when the computer abandoned you?'” (They know I have technical issues.)

“'Well,'” I say worriedly, “'I was sending an email and it just... stopped.'”

“'Oooohhhh…'” Is the response, with a tone of accusation thrown in to really drive home my ultimate responsibility for this tragedy.' “Sounds like we'’ll have to send someone up.”'

“'Oh, Thank God!'” I weep tears I have been holding back as I load the dart gun and am it at the techie dart board at the far end of my cubicle.

'“Where are you?'” If they are asking from a philosophical standpoint, we’re both in for a long narrative. Fortunately for all of us, that is not the case.

“'I’'m on the second floor of the Customer Fulfillment Department. Pillar E12.'” I realize then that I have become one of the human bingo cards that make up corporate America.

“'We'’ll have someone up today.'”

“'When today?' A reasonable question, no?”

'“Today.”' An asinine answer, no?

“Too dazed and cowered by their obvious technical prowess to complain, I hang up the phone and hit my head on the desk a few times. Seven hours later and twenty minutes later, when I am set to leave work after a day of filing, purging files, re-filing, dusting, re-arranging the stuff on my desk and imbibing three pots of coffee after walking around asking if anyone has any filing they need me to do, Dan the Computer Guy shows up. After booting my computer, it takes all of about five minutes for him to fix the problem. He'’s a chatty guy and spews forth a running dialogue about his dog, his daughter’s first birthday and the NBA draft while I watch over his shoulder trying to figure out how the hell he does what he does so I can do it later. When he'’s done doing what he does, he wishes me a good day, sounds like he means it, and then he'’s swallowed up in the cubicle maze that is Customer Fulfillment.

Conclusion: Computer Techs do know how to fix computers. But, they have really, really mean people answering the phone! Obviously, your narrator needed to vent. Thank you for listening. I feel much better.

Myth#5: Beauty Myths or “But, That’s What My Mom/Best Friend/A Woman at Work Told Me”

They lied to you. They probably didn’'t know they were lying to you. My mom had told me some whoppers with utter sincerity. Of course, my mom loves to mess with my head. My pain and confusion brings her joy. Anyway, for ages women have told each other legends of loveliness thinking they were helping each other. Quite the opposite. Some of myths are amusing while some are just stupid.

Myth: “Cut your hair during a full moon so it grows stronger.” Unless you're really good friends with the Moon Goddess, Diana, and she has a vested interest in your hair, this will not work.

Myth: “Pluck one gray hair and two will grow back.” It may seem that the evil gray hair comes back two-fold, but it is not true. At times the hair can split and give that illusion, but it is just that. An illusion. The Universe is not out to get you. I swear!

Myth: “You can shrink the pores on your face.” Pores will naturally enlarge as you get older due to the downward pull of gravity (especially in the cheek area). Keeping the skin clean will help keep your pores from enlarging. ‘Til Willie Wonka’s Wonkinator becomes fact, they will not shrink.

Myth: “If you shave your legs or bikini line, the hair will grow in blacker/heavier.” I’'ve been hearing this one since I was a wee, innocent pre-teen. And, it is not true. It will not grow back thicker. It will not grow back stronger. It will not grow back faster. It will not grow back better than it was before. It is not bionic hair.

Shaving and cutting a hair does not change its basic genetic make-up. It can seem darker and thicker as it creeps up from underneath your skin, but that, too, is an illusion.

Myth: “Dry skin causes wrinkles.” Dry skin can cause a snowfall of skin. A chaffed feeling from un-exfoliated dry skin. But, the reality is that sun damage and genetics cause wrinkles. Not dryness. And, to complicate dry skin matters further, there is a difference between dry skin and dehydrated skin. True-dry skin = lack of oil. Dehydrated skin = lack of water. You'’ll know dehydrated skin if I call it winter skin. Skin that feels tight and crabby.

Myth: “Your scalp being too dry causes dandruff.” Another nope. Fungus, yeast, rash, shampoo build up, product build up, psoriasis, seborrheic dermatitis and eczema cause flaking and dandruff.

Myth: “You can prevent split ends by using leave-in conditioner and deep treatments.” You can prevent split ends by not driving with the window open while you 80 mph down the freeway. You can prevent split ends by never blow drying your hair, never exposing it to the sun or chemicals and never over brushing it. You can also prevent split ends by constantly shaving your head bald.

Myth: “Your hair will grow faster/thicker if you cut it more often.” Nope. Hair grows at an average rate of half an inch per month. Because each hair shaft is slightly thicker at its base compared to its tip, hair can temporarily appear thicker for about a week after it has been significantly cut. But, cutting hair has absolutely no effect on each strand's thickness or on the number of hairs that will germinate from follicles.

Myth: "No pain, no gain." An exercise fable that extols exercise at a very high intensity or for long hours to get results. Research shows, however, that even low to moderate intensity routines have valuable health benefits. A good general recommendation is to do cardiovascular exercise three to five days a week for 20 to 45 minutes per session at 65 to 80 percent of your maximum heart rate (220 minus your age). This is a level where you are working but aren't gasping for air in fear of imminent collapse.

Myth: “A frequent mistake among women is that lifting weights will turn them into She Hulk. Bodybuilders have spent hours at the gym; some use steroids and most follow stringent diets to realize their bulked up dreams. Compared to men, women have less of the hormone testosterone, which is a major factor in developing large muscles. Strength training approximately two to four times a week, doing a variety of exercises for the major muscle groups, will help lead to a lean and toned appearance. The increase of muscle will help your body to use fat more efficiently and you will lose weight, not blow up like a muscle-bound balloon.

Myth: “If you stop working out, muscle will turn into fat.” Most folks are under the impression that if they stop working out, their muscle will turn into fat. Muscle and fat are two distinct tissues. One can't be converted from one type to the other type. I promise. There is no alchemy taking place inside your body. If you stop exercising, muscle tissue will shrink, so you may feel flabbier. And, when muscles get smaller, they do not need as many calories, so your metabolism slows. With a slower metabolism, if you eat the same amount of calories, you will gain body fat. There is no evil metamorphosis as the gods punish you for laziness.

Myth: “Hair color will give you more white hair.” No, nope, uh-uh. Hair coloration cannot give you more white hair because it does not penetrate your scalp. The whitening of the hair is caused by the inability of the melanocytes to produce melanin. Melanocytes are inside your scalp. They never meet the hair coloring, let alone have a disagreement of such magnitude.

Myth: “Coloring Hair During Pregnancy is Harmful.” Not true, baby blue. Although some doctors disagree amongst themselves, most believe that coloring the hair during pregnancy will not be dangerous to the baby. When in doubt always get your physician’s permission to color your hair during pregnancy. Most experts believe that the key danger with hair coloring is not the application of the product to the scalp but the inhalation of the strong chemical odor.

Myth: “Smoking Causes Gray Hair.” This, my friends, is true. According to J. G. Mosley of the Leigh Infirmary in Lancashire, England in an article in Science News (January 11, 1997) smokers are four times more likely to have gray hair than nonsmokers. Even worse, smoking has been conclusively linked to accelerated hair loss.

Myth: “Wearing Tight Braids, Ponytails or Buns Causes Baldness” This is accurate. Traction alopecia is a very real hair loss condition. It may result from wearing tight ponytails, cornrows or buns over an extended period of time. Avoid this potential problem by opting for looser styles that minimize scalp tension.

Myth: “Vinegar should be used as an after shampoo rinse for shine.” Besides allowing one to smell like poached eggs, the acidity of both of these products was used to help remove soap residue from the hair after washing. They did left the hair shiny and squeaky-clean. However, modern, detergent based, shampoo leaves no soap scum on the hair and, again, with the popularity of hair color and permanent waves, the use of a rinse with this amount of acidity is not recommended.

Myth: “Shaving your legs will cause heavier, darker hair to grow.” Total Myth. Shaving will not make hair grow thicker or darker. We have a certain number of hairs growing on our bodies and this does not change by shaving. Change of color sometimes may occur, but is a natural process whether the hair has been shaved or not.

Myth: “The gene for male pattern baldness comes only from the mother.” The truth is that the gene may be passed to a child from either parent, not just the mother. It isn'’t just our fault, boys!

Myth: “Spit in your bath water three times and you'’ll slow down the aging process.” This is yucky and patently untrue.

Myth#6: Food Facts and Fables or “Don’t Eat Blue Food”

Myth: “Brown eggs are more nutritious than white eggs.” The color of an egg depends on the breed of the chicken that laid the egg and has no association with the nutritional content.

Myth: “Organically grown vegetables are more nutritious than vegetables grown with chemical fertilizers.” Plants absorb the building blocks (nitrogenous compounds, minerals, water etc.) from the soil and synthesize vitamins and other nutrients. If the soil is rich enough to support plants then it is immaterial whether the nutrients are of organic origin or chemical. Therefore, vegetables grown with chemical fertilizers are just as nutritious.

Myth: “Monosodium glutamate, used as a flavor enhance can cause headaches.” My dad is convinced of this no matter what I tell him. Studies have revealed that monosodium glutamate does not cause headaches. Even the World Health Organization has declared monosodium glutamate to be safe. You will never convince my Father of this fact.

Myth: “Food eaten late at night is more fattening.” Most of us believe eating after a certain time in the evening makes the body store more fat because were not burning it off with activity. I was right there with the don'’t eat after a certain time of night crowd. Studies show that a large meal eaten late at night does not make the body store more fat. Instead, it'’s the total amount eaten in a 24-hour period that's significant. Now, it is true that people who skip meals during the day, and then eat massive amounts in the evening are more likely to be overweight than those who eat regularly throughout the day. This is most likely because eating regular meals helps people regulate their appetite and overall food intake. And I think we can all agree that eating massive amounts of anything, at anytime, unless you’re Beldar Conehead, is a bad idea.

Myth: “Brown bread has more fiber than white bread” Once again, color doesn’'t matter. Brown color does not mean a bread is high in fiber. It’'s the bread’s ingredients that make the difference. If your loaf contains whole wheat or other whole grains, then it probably has fiber. The brown color is likely from caramel coloring found in the somewhere in the ingredient list. Bakers are a bunch of carb ridden liars.

Myth: “Frozen and canned vegetables don'’t have the same nutritional value as fresh vegetables” The truth of the matter is that, depending on the handling of the produce, there is little difference. B and C vitamins leech into the water that the canned vegetables are processed in. Usually, people throw that water away. Taking a long slurp of your veggie water is a tonic. I had a friend that did this on a regular basis. I thought he was nuts. Well, I still think he is but he’'s a healthy nut. Physically speaking.

Now, canned or frozen produce may have added sugar or salt, which should be taken into consideration. Sugar and salt should be avoided unless you have a practicing sense of moderation. Raw veggies are best, but any vegetable, in any form, is better than none. Whether iceberg lettuce in salad (nutritionally weaker than darker greens) or cooked carrots from a can, the bottom line is if you’re eating vegetables, you’re making your body happy.

Myth: “Vitamins provide energy.” Calories from fat, carbohydrates, and protein impart energy. Vitamins don't have calories; thusly they don’'t impart you energy. This food fable most likely stems from what B vitamins really do for you. Each of the eight B vitamins plays a critical role in the chemical reactions that release energy from foods. And, of course, it turns ones urine a lovely bright yellow shade. This played a large part in part in some of Andy Warhol’s later paintings cleverly called “Piss Paintings”. This is not a myth-understanding.

Myth: “Fasting flushes out impurities and toxins.” No evidence supports the claim. Sorry all you fasting fanatics. Your body was designed to process food. This includes elimination of naturally occurring toxins such as ammonia that results from the breakdown of protein.

For most people, one-day fasts are neither healthful nor harmful. But longer fasts jeopardize your health. Risks include dehydration, dangerously low blood pressure, muscle and organ tissue breakdown, and irregularity of your heartbeat. Never fast if you have heart disease, insulin-dependent diabetes, or kidney or liver problems. Fasting is not for the faint of heart.

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I realized when I myth took this quest that there were a lot of myths to wade through. As I am now knee deep in legends, mom-lore and funny family fable I bid you adieu until I’m up to the neck.