Put 'em Up!

Digging up stuff in the Onion's archives, I pulled out a plum. The Onion asked 35 'celebrities' who they could take in a fight. Here's a smattering of responses:

The Onion: Who could you take in a fight?

Micky Dolenz: You mean, bring with me to a fight?

O: No, who could you beat up?

MD: [Laughs.] Uh, specifically a name?

O: Yeah, a person in particular. Who do you think you could take?

MD: Well, probably just about anybody, 'cause I'm armed.

Billy Connolly: Who could I take down? Oh, Robin Williams.

O: Robin Williams?

BC: Oh, easy, yeah. I nearly had him last night. They pulled me off him. I nearly socked him on an' away off. Little bastard and his fucking woolly hat. Who does he think he is? As a matter of fact, if he wasn't flying me to L.A. today in his plane, I would have done it. [Connolly and Williams were appearing together at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. —ed.] I would have fucking had him. If it was my plane, I would have belted him. I just don't happen to have a plane.

Matthew Sweet: [Laughs.] Gee, that's a hard one to answer. I don't know exactly what the angle is. Who could I take in a fight? Anyone I was angry enough at to really want to. But I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Seth Green: [Laughs.] Um, Warwick Davis. He's the guy in Willow, and he played Wicket the Ewok. I'll kick his fuckin' ass. I'll throw him down a fuckin' flight of stairs. I'll grab him by the ankles and shake him out on a fuckin' concrete stairs like an Oriental rug. [Laughs.] I used to think I could take Gary Coleman until he beat up that lady.

O: He's like a security guard or something, so he's probably got training.

SG: Right, and I saw that chick. She was big, and he kicked her ass. So now I'm not as sure. I used to think he was the one. [Pauses, laughs.] Warwick Davis is such a good answer, man. [Laughs.] I'll fight the fuck out of Warwick Davis.

Alice Cooper: Um, you'd be surprised. Me, probably not anybody. But Alice is not afraid of anybody. I would take Alice into a biker bar and let him walk in and stare around, and I don't think anyone would hassle him. Myself, I was a track runner. I was a good miler and two-miler. I could outrun just about anybody. [Laughs.] But I think one of the reasons I created Alice was to do my fighting for me. And I'm pretty sure I could take Donny Osmond.

George Carlin: Uh, let's see... Probably Lauren Bacall.